A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone help generally with a predicament that I seem to continually get into about finding a partner as my own life seems to still be 'out of synch' with everyone else's pattern?I'm in my mid forties and would like a partner around the same age or slightly older, stable, preferably someone who has kids, someone able to be protective and to treat me as equal but also 'lead' things slightly more. I am highly intelligent and I know this sounds harsh but I know, now, that I need someone the same - this matters to me more than money. I don't mind helping someone to sort out emotional baggage and in a way this is my strong point, but has also in the past meant that I've become a doormat to people. So for that reason I don't want someone whose 'baggage' is overbearing. At the same time, I'm terrified that men will think that my baggage is too much and fear becoming seen as the angry, bitter and ageing woman.I have zero confidence about attracting this kind of man because I have been hurt by my ex partner who did not fit the description above but who was abusive. But also, in a different way, hurt by two men - one years ago when my partner and I separated for six months and who very strategically cut me out completely after I'd done nothing 'wrong' and one very recently - who completely fit the description I've just given above and who came close to falling in love with me but gently withdrew, giving no reason. On both of these occasions I've not got as far as sleeping with the man, but I've come very, very close to falling head over heels in love with them, and I know for sure that they've felt the same, only to find that they just back off and leave me bewildered and feeling like I am not and never was good enough for them. In both cases I've fallen into a major depression as a result because I the only reason I can think that they rejected me is that my life has not been like theirs, or that I'm just not good enough and underneath everything they are suspicious, especially of why I have a daughter in her mid twenties. In both cases I've realised afterwards that the men I've fallen for are from very comfortable, middle class backgrounds and have done everything 'at the right time'. Ironically, this is the kind of man I'd like to be with but it seems impossible. Whilst I've been able to match them intellectually and in every other sense - and in my field I am very highly respected for this - I've not had the kind of life experiences that they have - I'm from a poor, abusive background and have done things 'out of synch'. This means that their backgrounds seem to give them confidence to choose exactly what they want from life and from a partner, so that I am just one of many possible choices for them, whereas on my part I feel like I've found someone unique and amazing, and am so lucky to have met them and would happily stay around with them. I don't and do not have any 'strategy' in regard to men and I think this has not helped. I guess there is an underlying feeling that, only due to their background and confidence, they are out of my league.I am consistently told that I look at least ten years younger and people are genuinely shocked to find that I have a daughter in her mid twenties. I'm so used to this reaction in one way but in another way I feel like I've never properly dealt with it. People assume, because I have a daughter this age but because I'm also I seem like a high achiever, that I must have had lots of support - financial and emotional - from family or my ex husband, when in fact the opposite is the case. When I bought my own flat people assumed that I'd inherited money because my parents had recently died, when in fact they left only debts. I've had nothing but horrible behaviour and no support at all from them in their life time. When I was in my twenties I honestly looked like a teenager and people would react very badly when they discovered I was a single parent, as if this spoiled their idea of me as a pretty, intelligent woman with a great future ahead of her. I didn't have any confidence to overcome this kind of response and it really got to me. It was like I did not 'compute' in people's minds. Today there is less stigma around single parenting but back then it was horrible. Even today people have said to me that I'm very pretty or beautiful, although I honestly don't feel this at all - I'm only mentioning it here because rather than helping it seems to be causing problems for me - in a way, I can feel people thinking that, with so much going for me, something must be 'wrong' because I had a kid so young and I am not further up the career ladder. But in fact a pattern seems to have fallen into place from when I was younger - because the conservative government were so scathing of single parents, calling them 'scum', I was extremely reluctant to be seen as a scrounger and never asked people for help but instead gave help whenever I could. This, combined with my looks, really developed into a big problem that I did not anticipate- it meant I accepted bad behaviour from people, even from friends and from my partner and I gave and gave and tried to become stronger ie. not needy in order to try to be accepted.The 'problem' this causes is that, far from attracting the kind of man I would like, I seem to always attract guys who are significantly younger and ambitious but also very weak. For many, attracting younger men would not be a problem (!) but for me it is. I don't want a younger man! I have zero confidence about the possibility of attracting the kind of parter that I really want and so this behaviour from men that I don't want upsets me more. The younger guys that I attract always seem initially nice and then emerge as very weak as people and expect me to sort them out because I am generally very kind to people and by now am very capable - honestly I know this sounds horrible to say but I consistently get not very good looking guys, often suffering from chronic depression or who are full of self pity and can't seem to sort their lives out, and they latch onto me as a sort of fantasy - I never make this judgement in advance because I am just kind to people, and it's only after this happening to me again and again that I have started to become cynical about it. At the time I just think that we are friends and treat them as such - and sooner or later their feelings come out. It's taken me a while to see this pattern and it's made me extremely wary of becoming friends with younger men. At the same time I'm aware that I totally lack confidence - or even the strategic 'know how' to get the kind of man I'd like.It's also made me see that this 'mothering' is what I did with my ex partner, except that I was far too naive to understand it and in his case I stayed and was effectively mothering him without realising. He turned into an alcoholic and became very abusive and sometimes violent and this wrecked my confidence completely. Although he was younger I was definitely the more naive of the two of us, despite having a child. He flourished due to my support , despite his drink problem, and I almost completely floundered, but kept 'swimming against the tide' so that my life is not exactly a disaster now but no-where near as successful as his in terms of career or as I feel my career should be. I really feel like it is only a this stage where I have a degree of stability and calm and the chance to 'get properly started' on forging my career or any kind of life for myself. I feel like I have a very flimsy hold on the career ladder and that it is very late in the day for me to be 'starting out' - people fifteen years younger than me could easily be at this stage.I was from a poor, abusive background, but I worked incredibly hard. Really I try so hard, but ultimately find it very hard to totally accept people who complain about how difficult things are for them when they only have themselves to look after and have very supportive family. I do as much as I can to accept this in friends that I have and to 'work with it' and support them without becoming their counsellor. I don't have any problem at all in relating to or helping with their problems, but I ultimately find it hard to accept that they can't just sort themselves out and underneath I suppose I get annoyed with them but I don't show it. I don't expect any understanding from them about my own life - I've never had it and have given up. It's like I was just expected to become a drug addict with five kids and living in squalor and because I've refused that life I just don't 'compute' in people's minds. I'm used to this, but in the men that I'm referring to I increasingly find this complaining attitude even more intolerable. In the field that I'm in I come across a lot of very wealthy younger people whose parents are basically funding them until they become self sufficient and there are very,very few working class people who can survive because you need a huge amount of support to get started out and to secure your own position. This is NOT me being cynical, this really is the reality and it's one that is beginning to be questioned within the field itself because it is becoming obvious that something strange is going on - I'm in a 'middle class' game that people often effectively buy their way into. I had to always look after not just myself but my daughter, so I feel out of synch with others in terms of background. I don't know anyone in an even remotely similar situation to my own. I've given up totally on expecting people to relate to my life, it is just impossible, and instead have given enormous emotional and practical support to these other people who are already being supported in other ways, probably because I desperately want to be included. I come across as a strong, independent woman because I've had no choice but to do so - abusive childhood and me becoming a single parent at a young age etc etc. Inside I am and always was extremely shy, extremely gentle and crave protection from a man stronger than me. But I've had to learn to show that I'm capable and strong because I had a problem fitting in socially - I couldn't make any friends at all due to my home life when I was younger and although people always seemed to respect my intelligence, socially people overlooked me all the time, I was invisible, not included and could not try to be included because of my home life. After I divorced I tried very hard to seem more confident and it worked up to a point. I also did what it says "in the book' and put other people before me, with the result that I was included but used. For some reason the way that I am now seems to send out a message to younger men that I am 'sorted' and will look after them, that I won't need much looking after - honestly this is getting to the point where it is starting to make me feel physically sick and also angry. I worry now that I am at the point of becoming 'bitter', which I really fear becoming. Even when it is staring them in the face that, as a friend, I need help - for example, when I moved home and needed to completely renovate my whole flat because it was horrible - they just don't help, and will seem to even enjoy saying, or be proud of saying, that they are no good at all at that kind of thing, but also tell me that they find me attractive and want more. And these are very intelligent, ambitious men who well educated and often from 'good' homes with the problem for them being that, when the parents' money runs out, they can't cope and want a stable or even wealthy girlfriend to take over. I feel that in saying this people will assume I'm taking a negative view or being cynical, but this honestly is the reality.I know this sounds bitter and horrible and even prejudiced, and I'm trying hard not to become that kind of person. I've worked so hard for the little that I have and I feel that these men cannot possibly understand that and just want to benefit and take from me what little I've worked so hard for. I don't think about this all the time, but I am focusing on this now to try to be as honest as I can with myself about why this situation with men is upsetting me so much. Any help at all, from men especially, would be really appreciated. What should I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2014): What should you do?
You should look in the mirror and really try to see yourself with a new pair of eyes. You have incredibly low self esteem and I think you are subconsciously reaching out to the men that you think you deserve rather than the ones you want.
To attract that guy, you need to be that girl.
You cannot rewrite history, you have to learn to accept it and look at the benefits.
Instead of focusing on how the age of your daughter shows you did things out of order, focus on how the age of your daughter means you are now free in your 40s to mingle and spoil yourself now that she's left the nest.
Instead of focusing on how people 15 years younger can have your job, focu on how much you've overcome and achieved to be where you are.
Instead of waiting to become the idealised version of yourself before you love yourself, love yourself now. Be kind, compassionate, forgiving, and motivating to yourself. Be your own best friend and learn to look in the mirror and realise that your smile, your experiences, your and battle scars all belong to you alone which is something special you can offer to the right person. If he leaves, It's not because there's something wrong with you. It's because he does not appreciate what it is that is special about you.
I urge you to go to soirees and gatherings where you will meet the type of guy you want. Before you go, remind yourself about all your great qualities and believe it! Nothing is more attractive than confidence.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2014): Here's a dose of reality. On the average, older single successful men look for much younger attractive women/men.
I'm gay and I'll cover all grounds here.
In most cases they've been married, or in a long-term relationship before. They tend to be more selective when committing to subsequent relationships. Some tend to be more superficial in many cases. Looks count, and age is a factor. Many plan to start a new family with kids.
More mature ladies are usually pretty set in their ways, have attended the school of hard knocks, and don't put up with the nonsense they once tolerated as a younger woman.
Their looks are maturing; and they are leaving their child-bearing years. They are at the peak of their sexuality.
It's bullsh*t; but successful men and women tend to have more options when it comes to choosing partners. They don't have to be the right one; just the one they want.
They use their personal assets and financial resources as a part of the package. Like bait. So it often isn't balanced on both sides of the scale. Youth tends to win out, over a mature and level-headed mate with much more to offer.
It's a matter of chance that you might find someone who'll meet all your criteria, and fit right into the mold. The fact is, you have to meet their criteria as well. It goes both ways.
I think throughout your post you portray yourself as giving; but you also come off too much as a victim. If you're over forty and looking for a man to protect you,
good luck.
Sorry, but men don't owe you protection.
They don't owe you financial comfort, and they may never meet your grocery list of qualifications. The ideal man is what every woman wants. There just isn't anyone that perfect.
There are some really great fellows out there; but they don't come as perfect as you want. Unrealistic notions of what you consider the ideal man; will make you overlook the man perfect for you. You eliminate them too quickly; because you prejudge them based on your bad experiences in the past. Not by their actual behavior.
By no means do you have to accept anyone's baggage; but they don't have to accept yours either. You listed quite a long list of your own issues in your post.
People set their relationships up to fail; by going in dragging all sorts or crap behind them. Thinking there's someone out their with a magic wand to wave over their troubles, and make them go away. That's your job. You are responsible for making your own troubles and insecurities go away. Other people are there to support you and "share" your burdens. Not to carry them for you, or make life easier for you.
In fact, your personal issues should be dealt with before you commit yourself to a relationship. The reason you have not found anyone yet; is because you have a lot of work to do, to make you fit and ready for the person meant for you.
You have to be able to recognize him when he's standing right in front of you. Not some fantasy man you configured in your brain that doesn't exist.
This lull between potential prospects should not be idle time.
It should be used for enlightenment and self-awareness. You could use an attitude adjustment. You've encountered all the usual types every adult female in the dating world has. Your situation is not that unique from the average single woman. You simply haven't met your match. That takes time.
Stomping your foot, and folding your arms isn't going to make him appear any faster.
You can waste all the energy you like developing bitterness and cynicism. Sorry that life wasn't designed to your satisfaction; but we all have our crosses to bear.
Not a single soul on this planet will have a perfect life and always get exactly what they want. That is where we must compromise. If you can find someone who meets most of your criteria, work with it. No one says you have to settle for bums or losers. That's extreme.
He just might happen to be a few years younger; but don't expect anyone to be your savior and protector. That's an outdated concept. People support and protect each other in a relationship. No one is designed to be a crutch for another. That's placing an undue burden onto another person; when it's hard enough dealing with life.
What exactly do you need protection from?
I think you want someone to pamper you and let you play the dainty damsel. Only the strong survive, my dear.
The world is far too complicated and ruthless; for anyone not to be prepared, and not have their own tools for survival.
You've been unsuccessful so far; because you've come to discover the reality, no one is going to take care of you. They will be more than willing to share a good life with you. You do have a right to expect that.
Nowadays, even if you land yourself a very wealthy man; he may require you to sign a prenuptial upon engagement. He might still require you to fend for yourself, and have your own financial resources. As your boyfriend or spouse, it follows he can and will make your life comfortable. Yet he has to protect himself; because he knows there are many women only out for a good life and nothing else from him.
That's how it goes sometimes.
Continue meeting and dating men. The frequency of dating broadens your selection and exposes you to more likely candidates. No one owes you anything. Think positively.
You had a hard life and some misfortunes. Then make the best of what you've done for yourself and count your blessings. The past is the past.
You've lived long enough to put some of the old pain behind you. If you wish to carry it on your back and integrate it into all your relationships; expect it only to be toxic.
The past lives in our brains as long as we wish to keep it there. When we learn to dump it behind us, we move forward and have a better outlook. We have a more optimistic view for things to come.
I think you've clearly expressed your frustration; but there is no one to blame. When your past has dealt you poorly; you take control, and prepare for a better future.
You begin that better future for yourself; then you search for someone with whom you can share it. You don't have to be in sync with anyone else. You're off balance with yourself. Looking for someone else to fix it.
No one is responsible for bringing you happiness. It's your job to find it. So many people come to this site disillusioned; because they thought they'd find their happiness through or with other people. They didn't realize you should already be happy when you invite another person into your life. If you want the best from and out of men; you have to be able to give them your best in return.
Doubt, worry, frustration, and pessimism is all I see in your post. If that reflects in your general attitude, it is the reason you are out of sync with others. It is repelling really good men; because they deserve something better than that.
You will
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 January 2014):
 A very quick response as I am off out. First stop looking and enhance your life. I have booked 2 long weekends away in Europe already this year, something to look forward to and a chance to meet new people out of my normal circle.
Don't be a people pleaser, please yourself or you will end up wrung out and shattered - the people who you help should learn to cope with life as you have.
There are lots of lovely men out there, just getting on with their day to day life, chill out and enjoy yourself. Stop analysing and blaming yourself, attract men, the right ones by being yourself
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