A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been battling trust issues since i was about 12 years old. So... 30 years now. The thought of actually just trusting someone in a relationship fills me with dread and anxiety. I am married and my husband knows of these issues thiugh he doesnt really understand as he gives trust easily.I wish i could trust him fully but my irrational brain makes me think that if i give him 100% (ie not check on him etc) then the first thing hes going to do is betray me. Its gotten to the stage where i dont wamt to feel this anxiety and dread everyday and also he refuses to reassure me anymore. Fair enough. But it makes my paranoia worse!Ive tried therapy a few times but i dont know if i should bother again. It doesnt seem to work and so expensive. Whats wrong with me? What can i do? Im so tired of feeling this way. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 November 2016):
 Don't blame your husband for giving up reassuring you. Try and imagine what it is like for him as well. Am sure it is just as hard for him to be married to someone who checks up on him and has trust issues. Off course he is going to get fed up with reassuring you, because it has not worked for him up until now.
My guess is one day you will go to far and he will crack and leave, and then you will realize what you have lost through your paranoia. You seem to blame him for not reassuring you, you think it makes you worse. But he should not have to. He has done nothing wrong we can assume.
Therefore you need to deal with your issues before it is to late and you have learned the hard way. STOP checking up on him, that is just going to make you more anxious. Ask him to put locks on his phone ect to stop you. Get some professional help and try some new hobbies to keep your mind active.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the very same boat.I have major anxiety and trust issues with my boyfriend. I find I am happy and whole when I am not suffering from paranoia and mistrust. It does eat away at you and your whole sense of self worth and it gnaws away at your self esteem. It basically makes you a shell of the vivacious, happy, confident former self that you once were. At least in my case.I am tired of it. To the point where I feel defeated. Tired of worrying what he is doing every waking moment. Worrying he is cheating with another woman or women. I worry day and night. It never goes away. And I do not know how to put it to rest. Despite his constant reassurances, I cannot trust him. I cannot believe him. I cannot give my heart to him. I have tried so hard for over 3 years and here I am, miserable because I feel I am worth more than to be wallowing in constant misery because of trust issues every single day. And yet I do not know how to get out. I feel like I would collapse if I did. It is like I need him. And I love him. But often I also really hate him.I have taken anti anxiety meds. He has suggested it. But I don't want to rely on them. So I have stopped. He does not know that though. And talking to someone does help. It gets it all out. But it never does completely silence the voices in your head which live there night and day. The only time I get relief from the panic attacks is when I am asleep. And yet I do not sleep very well either. I think professionals try to teach you how to redirect your thoughts. And it may work for a bit. But I am a big believer in reverting back to the same old patterns. And thought process. It is hard to kill those kinds of demons in oneself. You may think they have gone away but they come back to live another day.Nothing is wrong with you. Never think that. Sometimes they are issues we have because of past experiences. Somebody may have failed us. Destroyed our trust and we are afraid of being hurt that way again. Sometimes we are with a man who really is untrustworthy but we have convinced ourselves he is a good guy and stay with him while our gut screams out we are making a mistake. But we stay anyway, believing him as he keeps lulling us back in. Because we love him and are blinded by that love. Has your husband ever done anything to cause you to feel this way? Sometimes they are small things that nag away at us. Something might not feel right. And your intuition is telling you that. We know our partners better than anyone and changes in their behaviour, even if subtle, are picked up by us fairly quickly. And then dismissed. If you can honestly say there is nothing your husband is doing to cause you worry and feelings of paranoia and mistrust, then maybe you do need to see a professional to determine if you are depressed or have high anxiety or another condition. I do think our psychological and mental health is very important and often goes overlooked because of the shame factor. There is no shame in needing help. Nobody is perfect. We are all broken in some way. You are right. You cannot keep living this way. After all is that living at all? It must be affecting many other areas of your life. And we have one life. We should live it joyfully and with some peace of mind. I am glad you reached out here. It is never easy to do. But I can see you love yourself enough to want to help yourself. Please do that. It only gets worse and worse. You do not want to reach a breaking point or melt down. Take care of yourself. Please talk to someone. Maybe your former therapists did not connect to you. Sometimes it is a matter of finding the right person. But I agree, it is hard because at the end of the day, no matter who you talk to, you are the one in control of your thoughts (or without control of your thoughts) and you are the one who must live with it. There is no easy cure or solution. No band aid to put on. Wish it were that easy. You cannot always talk to your husband. He will get tired of hearing about it and no longer want to shoulder the burden. He will feel like he cannot help you and this will hurt him too. He may even distance himself. You could drive him away. That is a possibility. I suggest a support network. Is there a group in your area you can meet up with? How about distracting yourself in activities you love? Keeping yourself fit? I dance. That is my greatest therapy. How about relaxation techniques? Yoga? Not wallowing in it sure does help. Easier said than done I know.
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