A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys...So, to start off directly, I fell in love with my close friend ... and I'm quite sure that he has feelings for me, too. We've always been hugging a lot and stuff, but it became kind of different lately; for example, the two of us spent New Year's Eve together at a friend's party, and we were cuddling all the time. We had a sofa by ourselves, and he put an arm around me and kept caressing my hair, or stroking my leg... We even fell asleep like that, with me in his arms, before it grew too uncomfortable and I put my head in his lap instead. When we all got up in the morning, he immediately put his arms around me again. And it has been like this for a couple of weeks now.Actually, it could be so nice; the guy whom I love probably feels the same way, and spending time with him is absolutely beautiful, to feel his skin against mine, his scent, listening to his breathing while he sleeps... and he is a very kind, sensitive and witty person, I really feel comfortable around him.But... I could never imagine myself in a relationship with him. It seems so .. ridiculous, because we are just so very different. As friends, this works out fine, but in a relationship? I don't seem to be able to see this happening...- A very big problem would be sexuality, as we handle things completely different concerning this, or at least I'm convinced we do so. While I'm not only a virgin, but haven't even been kissed, he has already had several "serious" relationships including intercourse. He's a lot more casual with this whole topic, he even talks about the experiences or problems he had with his former partners quite openly with his friends, so I've already heard some of this stuff, too... I'm simply really frigthened that he would expect more from a relationship than I could give him, as I'm not ready for these things (yet). I don't know how he would react, how important sex really is for him, if and how long he would be willing to wait for me ... His last relationship only lasted for two weeks because both he and his boyfriend (he's bisexual) thought that their sex wasn't too great. ... Umm. Yeah. Not only that I wouldn't feel like sleeping with him within the first two weeks (probably not even months..), such an emphasis on this topic would bother me... At the same time, though, he isn't very fond of that guy in general, after all, so this probably wasn't the only reason, and I experienced him to actually be a tender person, especially in the last weeks, towards me.. So I really don't know what to think now, I'm just so confused...- Another problem would be my parents. I can already tell that they would not be too glad with me having a boyfriend, they're rather protective, but keeping it a secret would be really childish, too. But additionally, I don't know what they would think about him in particular, as they know that he smokes, for example, and stuff like that... it makes things even more difficult. I don't see how we could be together in the longer term if they disapprove of our relationship, they would find out sooner or later, anyway, I'm sure of that... it would get too conspicious. - Then, a rather weird issue is that he couldn't come to my place, because nobody does... This has something to do with my parents, too, but please, don't judge them now, I love them dearly and get along really, really well with them, and they do so, too .. it's just that we live in a rather dubious neighbourhood and my parents are really ashamed because of this. They don't want my friends to think anything wrong about us ... I know, it might sound strange, but they just mean really well, I simply know. My family has gone through hard times already, but this shouldn't be the topic here anyways... - That guy and me also have pretty the same circle of friends, which could be a good thing to have, but my concern rather is what is going to happen if we break up ... It would be odd, that's for sure, because our friends know us both and we spend time with the same people pretty often. But what's probably even worse, there is the risk that I would lose HIM as a friend, as well... and we have quite some classes together, where we would see each other every day... If things didn't work out, everything would be rather strange.- Also, I'm a bit afraid that we would not know what to talk about together if complelety alone. We've never been alone before, only with some of our friends, but to be honest ... I don't think this really is a problem, but I'm simply a bit nervous about this stuff... I mean, we wouldn't be friends if we were COMPLETELY different, would we. So... this is really minor stuff... My problem, if you can't already tell ... I simply don't know what to do.I love him, I'm pretty sure he has feelings for me, too, and I also think that he's got a clue about the way I feel. It gets "worse" every day, because he sends me more and more text or instant messages, and they get more and more affectionate... and he keeps asking me out. At the moment, I'm ill, so I don't leave the house, neither with him nor with anybody else ... but what am I supposed to do as soon as I'm healthy again? I'll see him in a few days, anyways, when we return to school. I'm afraid that he will keep on moving further, eventually trying to kiss me ... I really wouldn't know what to do! If I let it happen, what then? Can I handle a relationship with him, after all those things I mentioned? Shall I push him away, leaving both of us hurt? ... But maybe, this is the only possible solution to it all to cause the least pain, all in all? Shall I keep on replying to his messages? Shall I keep on tolerating him to hug me? I don't even know if I could resist...I'm torn.Every time my mobile rings, I start smiling because it's very likely to be him ... and at the same time, I get anxious... what if he blurted everything out at once? What if he asked me out again, forcing me to turn him down once more since I'm ill, hurting me, maybe him as well?Shall I try if the relationship works? Shall I talk to him about my concerns and look what he thinks? What if he does not understand, leaving him hurt? Or angry with me? Shall I try to avoid the relationship, but still tell him about my worries ... to explain?Shall I just try and distance from him, if it isn't too late already? At this very moment, I crave to send him a SMS wishing him a good night, because he has done that the last evenings, and now I thought I should do so ... but at the same time, I feel like not "encouraging" him...There is just so much going on in my head ... I don't know what I'm thinking at the moment. It literally makes me sick. I have difficulties to sleep and eat... he's all I can think of.I'm so sorry that the whole thing got so lenghty ... I'm incredibly confused. I've never experienced this before, usually my mind is kind of ... clearer. Every time he gets closer by any means, one part of me is overwhelmed, but the other part just wonders why he can't stay away and avoid my losing my mind, by the feeling of it at least...It feels like I keep on repeating myself and still forget to mention something so very important.I would appreciate it so much if somebody had any advice for me ... But thanks for even reading through this, honestly. I needed to "talk" about this... Writing things down has always comforted me ... at least a bit.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 How close were you as friends? Close enough that he would have already determined your worries? Does he know you are a virgin and that you have never been kissed before? If he does, these worries are uncalled for, he should know what he is getting into as he pursues a relationship with you.
You know these are all pretty much common fears for those who have never been in a relationship before. Differences are what make people interesting, those differences you are afraid of are what made you two develop these deeper feelings in the first place so embrace them. Stop worrying about conversation topics, it is impossible to plan out every single conversation you two will ever have. Just give in to the moment and then talk about whatever comes to mind, you do not need to worry about it now.
Go on and talk to him. Tell him about how you feel if you cannot decide, be honest with him, assuming of course that he truly is a close friend of yours. He should already be aware of some of these things anyway should he not? Many relationships struggle through these sort of things anyway and in the end, everything works out. Stop worrying and go with what your heart is screaming for.
I hope that helps.
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