A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI am really tempted to have an affair, I don't want to do it I feel so lonely does this make sense to anyone out there. I have tried everything to put the spark back into my marriage and nothing has worked. I have tried talking to my husband but it really falls on deaf ears. I have been a good wife and a good mother to my children I love my family so much and know this would hurt everyone, I just want to feel loved again, I cry myself to sleep most nights my husband really does not understand and will not listen he works really hard and I know he gets tired but our relationship means more to me than money..PLEASE HELP ME PLEASEX
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007): You sound so much like me! You are so not alone. I too am going through the same feelings of loneliness in my marriage. Your husband sounds alot like mine, on another planet altogether. As men are. Wd really need to consider heavily all the good things about our husbands. Realize no man will be perfect. Starting again with someone else will bring another new set of issues eventually, if not right away. It really is best to see if you can wait through this 'valley' in your relationship. I would never say just stay married for the kids, but i would say, consider them, because divorce has a very negative effect on children. I wouldnt sit him down and discuss this because it sounds like you already have done so. And you know how men are, they hate to have 'those kind of talks'. I have found this to be more destructive than helpful. If he already knows your stance, believe me he hasn't forgotten. The last thing he wants is to have to go over and over what you find wrong with your marriage. Because the truth of it is he just doesnt know how to fix things, just like you dont. Most men seem to show frustration by denial and silence. I would just try to make my own efforts as his wife to show him i love HIM. I bet you will get a better reaction, than a confronting 'talk'.Ultimately you need to ask yourself two questions... Is there still love, is there attraction? If these two are present, then the loneliness you feel for companionship can be improved. Try absolutely everything before considering ending it all. Maybe you can even get some girlfriend activities going. Perhaps you can fill your communicative void that way. At least until you and your husband can get to a better place in that regards.I was told by a few elderly persons that had successful marriages of 50 plus years that the secret is, if you love them, 'surviving the valleys' is the key. Sometimes the valleys can last years. Because long term relationships go up and down on many levels. If you love the person enough to struggle on, in the end time will reap it's own rewards for your relationship. Give that some thought. I know it helps me to think about that advice everytime i feel lonely and about to give up. You are not the only one with this problem. it by no means is THE END OF YOUR MARRIAGE. Keep your chin up. Do what feels right to YOU. But I hope this helps you see things in a different way.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2007): Hey Sweetheart, Im so sorry to hear you sound so unhappy. My advice is this, if you can't work it out with your husband, end the marriage asap.
You are still really young and you would then be free to meet sombody else and have the fulfilling relationship that you deserve.
There's nothing wrong at all in accepting and facing up to a marriage being over, people grow apart all the time.
I would not advise you to have an affair. It will land you in a great big mess all round, and you sound quite unhappy at the moment, and the fall-out from an affair is a lot for anyone to cope with, let alone someone who's already feeling a bit vulnerable.
If you already have someone in mind for this affair then I would try to cool things down until you have sorted out where your marriage is going first. If there is a man you like, he may well be someone youcould end up with but you will never know if you have an affair, as an affair will immediately cloud any future you may have together.
Keep it all above board and end things first before starting another.
You never know, if you can get through to your husband somehow how unhappy you are, you may even be able to save your marriage. He sounds terribly unco-operative but give it a try first. Write him a letter, take him for dinner, really try to get through to him that he needs to work at your marriage or risk losing you,
Loads and loads of luck and please keep us posted on how you are getting on. You're not alone Sweetie xxx
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A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (19 March 2007):
 Think about this..having an affair will not solve anything but a few minutes or maybe a few hours of "possible" enjoyment. I know this will be hard to understand at first, but I would suggest yes talking with your husband, but no matter what...continue loving him everyday and SHOW IT! Lonely can be several things...we don't have sex that often, we hardly talk, we hardly see each other...I'm not sure excatly what lonely is to you, but, if it's all of the above...sometimes men have a hard way of showing and expressing themselves. Sometimes you might have to make the "date" night and both of you get out of the house for dinner, movie..whatever! Make time to just talk...and not the I am really mad talk, but with kind words so he really knows and can "hear" you. Sounds like he just needs a help in the right direction. I have been cheated on before, and believe me, it hurt more then anything...and I could never trust him again. It was like a knife in my heart. Whatever you do, just don't do that. Good Luck to the both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2007): Hi there! I'm so sorry to hear what you are feeling right now and its not uncommon. My advice is DONT cheat! You will feel guilty and will only punish yourself later on and It will destroy him.
I speak from experience as I have cheated before in a previous relationship and it consumes you so badly.
Today, I found out that my Fiancé has been cheating on me and has now left me for the other guy. I too felt that I was the giver in the relationship and I am the one who had my heart crushed.
Please discuss it with him. Tell him that you dont know what to do to make things better and make him listen. Arrange a time to chat properly and put all your cards on the table. If it cant work after you have trully discussed your feelings then you should seperate. Please dont hurt him no matter how you feel at the moment. It will eventually consume you both. Believe me.
i hope you can make him listen and there is nothing wrong with telling him that the thought of looking elsewhere is on your mind. Obviously dont say that there is anyone in particular but be honest about your feelings. It pays off!
Best of luck
J
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