A
female
age
51-59,
*eanw
writes:When do the games stop?Do we have to grin and bear it? I have a situation where my husband and I have been married for twenty years. My whole marriage the ex has been in the picture with his family. I came along 2 years after they were divorced. They have one daughter together (now 28). When we first got married the ex made it known to me that she was still in the family with little games she played and the family could never see this. It caused much friction between my husband and me. My mother inlaw would go out of town and leave the ex her car, the ex would drive in front of my house in my mother inlaws car to make sure I saw she was left to drive it. These are games. Recently we have moved out of town and have been in a different city for 3 years now. The husbands family reunion was a week ago here in my city. Do you know the ex came? I was dumb founded. I addressed his mother to find out if she knew this was going to happen, I was told yes. Needless to say I did not attend the family reunion. Really did not want to, even if she had not come. My husband refused to handle this or see a problem of disrespect. I was floored. I feel if I'm the only one with a problem then I need to keep my problem at home and not join in the games. My husband was really upset I didn't attend. Figure that out, I'm really unsure why he wanted to subject me to this if he could not find nerve to tell her not to travel miles to a ex family reunion. This told me a lot how the family after twenty years felt about me. Clearly. we have 2 children together and after twenty years the ex has been in the picture at family functions and the last straw was this family reunion. I just let them play games. I really felt happy not to be there because actually I was the elephant in the room and her being there, and me not, look really stupid in my opinon, and probably to others. She has never really allowed me to be the daughter in law I can and wanted to be. I refused to play games with the family. Its really their lost. You could say don't let her have control over you, I look at it this way, she has not moved on emotionally and needs this so go for it. If you set love free and it comes back to you, you know its love. I set my husband free to visit his family he comes back and I feel his love so there. I guess my question is do we really have to play the games people play?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (27 July 2016):
 I think that you are being a bit petty if I am honest. She has a child to your husband and she still sees his family as her own, if she is playing silly games then let her, but she is causing no harm going to family events. You should be the bigger person and be by your husbands side. Look you are avoiding her when there really is no need, be polite and say hello, she does share a child with your husband, adult or not she will always be their daughter. You don't have anything to be jealous about it is clear your husband loves and wants you, so I really don't see the problem.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (25 July 2016):
 I dunno, if these are games, they're pretty weak! Driving by your house in Mommy's car, really? Who cares?
I don't know if this lady went to the reunion to disrespect you, she does HAVE family with your husband's family, and she is obviously close to the mom. You should have gone to the family reunion, it looks petty and vindictive not going. More importantly, you hurt your husband. Seems like your mentality is basically, he'll get over it, but will you? How many events are you going to avoid because you want to avoid playing a game? How is that not a game in itself?
While I think you shouldn't let her bug you, and you're letting her affect you too much, I can understand that being put in the situation where you have to be the bigger person all the time must be exhausting. I wonder if it would be worth it to have a sit-down with JUST her, or JUST you, your husband, and her. Your husband is probably tired of the drama, and if you reach out to him and ask him how he thinks you could forge a healthy relationship with her, he might have some ideas. Try a "if you can't beat em, join em" approach.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (25 July 2016):
I have a different perspective. I was with the father of my children for many years, and was a part of his family and any events that occurred. I got on very well with his mother whom I saw more than he did. When we split, she disappeared from my life. That's how its been for the years we've been separated which has been six years.
Now my perspective is this - my hurt of her doing this had nothing to do with her son, my ex. We get on fine since the spilt and its all very amicable including me and his new wife. My hurt is to do with a woman who for years saw me regularly and more than her own son, should find it so easy to just exit my life just because I had split from her son, with the added bonus of it not even being a horrid split.
I would have seen nothing wrong with continuing that friendship. It would have had nothing to do with my ex or his new partner. I wouldn't have felt I disrespectful to the new partner at all as it would have been a friendship which was a long one.
I am close to his sister and we see each other, and again this to me is a friendship level, nothing to do with my ex.
If you want my honest opinion, not going to reunions wont make his family think gosh, she hasn't come because so and so is here, maybe we shouldn't invite her again. They will think 'oh, she's not feeling this is important and again shows she doesn't want to be part of the family like so and so does'. Your point isn't made with your actions. If you feel as you do and really do think you don't care then fine don't go, for your own reasons. But I suspect from what you have written you level of being bothered is immense.
Maybe your husband genuinely doesn't care if she's there or not. Maybe he sees the friendship between his mother and anyone else as none of his business. I'll bet there were other long term friends at the reunion?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 July 2016):
 This one's a bit complicated. I know that his ex HAS been playing games, but I don't think that it's ALL games. She has a daughter by your husband, which makes her a part of the family whether you want it to be so or not. Not only that, but divorce is so messy. It's easy to expect that if the husband and wife go on the outs, that the husband's family should just shun her as well, which is not so easy.
If she was a beloved in-law, you can't expect the family to just automatically hate her as their duty. She's not actively trying to steal your husband away, is she? It sounds like she wants to remain a part of your husband's family, even though you are his wife now. This is an occasion to be the better person and be there for your husband.
What vexes me about this is that the ex has an "in". Obviously, it's your mother-in-law, your husband's mom. There's not much you can do to compete with the ex. The best you can do is forge your OWN relationship with her. You can't get rid of her, nor can you expect your husband to get rid of her, as she is the mother of his daughter. As long as she's not crossing a line and breaking boundaries with your husband himself, she has a grandchild that your MIL obviously loves. I know that she's 28 now, but she was just 8 when you married your current husband.
Don't make it into a competition. You're the current wife. Stop acting like she is a threat, or she will have power over you. You're re-arranging your own life and driving a wedge between you and your husband because of your discomfort with her. The reason why she can play games is precisely because you believe deep down that you're inferior. If you didn't, you'd feel nothing but pity for the woman who can't move on with her life.
You need to step up and attend the reunions. She has a right to be there as her child's mom and as your MIL's friend, but when you don't show, you are saying that she is better than you. No. You need to be the one to make her squirm, not the other way around. She owes you no respect that you don't command.
What is your relationship with your MIL?? I've seen this dynamic happen when the new wife used to be the "other woman", meaning that the husband cheated with you when he was still with her. If she was close to his MIL, then if he cheated with you, your MIL got to know you through that lens.
If you weren't the "other woman" cheat-ee, then again, if the ex was close to the MIL, you may have had to overcome their established relationship. You're not going to overcome it by protesting family events.
It's crappy baggage for you to deal with, and I'm not saying that you're in the wrong. But deal with it as if she is NOT competition.
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