A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, this might be sort of long, I'm sorry. I am 18 years old and I’m going to be a freshman in college (in the United States ) in about 5 months. Two years ago while I was on vacation in the UK , I met a guy. We liked each other a lot, so we decided to keep in touch. It wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a friendly pen-pal sort of thing.Over the past 2 years we developed some kind of close e-mail relationship. I grew to like him a lot, and I figured he felt the same way – everything was always flirty, he sent me gifts every so often, etc. But nothing ever really happened, because I realized that even though we’d been talking for 2 years, I didn’t know him very well since our only contact was through e-mail and letters.This year, I went to visit him in the UK for a week, and then 2 months later, he came to visit me in the US for about four days. And everything was wonderful. He was just as funny, sweet, and amazing as I imagined. We had a great time together, and he also told me that he had feelings for me. I won’t say I’m in love with him because I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but I feel something very close to it. He’s just indescribable.So obviously the distance (UK-US) is a huge problem. My mom voiced a lot of concerns (quite rudely, I might add) about it too. I’ve not had much dating experience thus far except for a few flings here or there, and she’s worried that my first real serious relationship is going to be long distance and difficult. She wants me to go off to college with a clean slate, date around a lot, and experience tons of college boys. This isn’t exactly what I want, but it seems to make sense.I was trying to think of a solution to this problem that would make me and my mom happy, and I came up with one (sort of)…in my 2nd year of college I’m going to be studying abroad. I’ll be studying at a British university for one whole year. It’s basically a requirement for my major, so it’s definitely going to happen. So what I’m thinking is, for my first year of college, he and I should stay in contact. But, we won’t have an exclusive relationship (even though I really want it)…I’ll date around, experience some different guys, gain some wisdom, etc. But, I won’t commit to anything serious with any of these college guys. Then in my 2nd year when I go to the UK , if we still feel the same way about one another, then we can date. And when I go back to the US , I’ll be more than willing to do a long distance relationship.If I could, I would just date him exclusively right now. But I know that’s not practical because, as my mom made me see, I’m so young and inexperienced and he’s so far away. My idea seems like a good one to me, but I’m absolutely TERRIFIED that if I let him go now, by the time I get to the UK , he won’t feel the same way about me anymore. I’d be devastated if that happened. I’m just so nervous that by NOT dating him now, then over the course of the year, he’s going to move on and forget about me. And I also don’t think it’s fair to him to make him wait a year until I decide I can date him. If he wants to move on and have a committed relationship right now, he’s more than deserving of it. I don’t want to hold him back, but I also don’t want to lose him.I’m really lost and torn up and confused about this. I need advice badly! And I'm so sorry that was so long, I had a lot to say :p
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female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (21 March 2007):
 I see you have found yourself a possible solution for your dilemma. What makes me concerned is how you write "I was trying to think of a solution to this problem that would make me and my mom happy". Dear, your mom may have concerns and suggestions, but I don't think you should shape your love life just to please her. There's no rule that says you have to date around while you're in college, and you won't waste your youth if you decide to put off dating for two years. If you want to date people, do it for yourself and NOT to please your mother.
I can only imagine how your long distance guy would feel if you would go off and date other people. If he has strong feelings for you he will wonder for a year if the college guy you're going out with on Friday evening is more interesting than he is. That's a horrible thing to put somebody through and I think it might be hard to have a relationship with him after that.
I think you should talk with your long distance guy and ask him what he thinks about all this.
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