A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and i are now arguing because of this problem. He lives with his uncle who is an idiot. He is aways taking money from my boyfriend and saying he will give it him back but never does. Its not just that the guy is a bad drinker and very rude, in trouble with the police, blah blah etc.. Its like my boyfriend is scared of him and does all the cleaning up etc when he is there. Before i used to stay there with my boyfriend a few nights a week and then i told my boyfriend no way, so now we sleep at my house every night. And now i have got to the point where i dont want to go to the uncles house at all. This weekend the uncle had been out fighting and causing trouble with people and ended up getting knifed which is totally his own fault. I have told my boyfriend i dont want to go there but he says i must have respect and go there for ten or fifteen mins or sometimes one or two hours just for my boyfriends sake and also his uncle would ask why i dont come in. Its making me very angry all this as i do have respect for my boyfriend and i do so much for him i really dont believe he would like to lose me. I dont think my boyfriend likes this man but because they are muslim thats why he seems to do what he says. My boyfriend says just wait as his uncle will return soon back to his country but im sick of this situation. my boyfriend also wants to get married and have a baby but tells me not to say anything to his uncle. im really really unhappy now, i do love my boyfriend but because of all this my love seems to be going now.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 hi,The Uncle sounds like a man making some very unwise choices in life. And you cannot categorise the Uncle as a practising Muslim as drinking Alcohol is unacceptable in that religion. Besides it is now Ramadan, so both your boyfriend and your Uncle should be observing that very important Religious time. Does not sound like the religion has relevance to that family, in view of thedescriptions offered, therefore I think that has no bearing on this issue.It is totally unacceptable to expect you to sit outside while your boyfriend visits his Uncle.It is just as unacceptable for anyone to expect you to visit the home of a man you do not respect (due to his lifestle decisions)While your boyfriend is unable to stand up to his Uncle and is happy to regularly lend money that is never repaid then your boy friend is not husband material.Nor is he suitable 'father of your unborn children' material.And while you are expected to keep secrets about a possible marriage, in the future, rather than a public acknowlegement of the bonds developing between you and your boyfriend, then once again he is not husband material yet.Do you want the father of your children to be a man or a mouse?Yes you have a perfect right to be upset.If your boyfriend is to be 'the one' then he needs to have a regular job and put aside a minimum of ten percent of his income and not spend any of this collected saved money, not for at least another 12 months after he accumulates those saved funds.Does your boy friend pay rent to live with his Uncle? And if yes then his cleaning of the premises AND paying rent negates the need for him to ever lend his Uncle another cent. Especially in view of the unaccounted for money he has permanently 'lent???' his Uncle.Your Boyfriend needs more back-bone before he is husband material, let alone potential 'father of your unborn children' material.You are quite correct to be concerned. The Red Flags are Fluttering in the breeze for me already.This is not about religion. That is a red herring in all this.This is about unacceptable behavior and my answer would be the same, no matter which religion you had cited.Why should you be expected to sneak around in secret? Just exactly where does the Uncle think his nephew is, on all the evenings when you and your b/f enjoy each other's company?Tell your B/f to get his act together, encourage your B/f to get his Uncle to do the same.Do not tell your B/f that you are taking time out unless your B/f has already gone home, as most men tend to get very dispirited at a break-up.But the problem is that this relationship does not sound healthy for you at the moment.Let your B/f know that there is NO one else . But that it is not safe for you to visit while his Uncle is potentially a criminal and not while the Uncle is volatile and potentially dangerous to your health. Ask your boy friend to also address the other issues raised.And don't even think of bringing a child into such an environment? Where would you two live if you did have a child together? Not at the Uncle's home, surely? Not while you cannot enjoy life, considering the lifestyle of the Uncle your B/f lives with (some of the time)Good luck
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