A
female
age
36-40,
*aisychainsaw
writes:I've been in a long term relationship for 5 and a half years and I think it's over. We're more friends than a proper couple. We don't do anything together, we don't go anywhere, he doesn't speak to me when we get home from work - he's too busy on the laptop to notice me. I've tried telling him how I feel and he takes no notice. I get no say in anything, I feel like life is passing me by. He's in debt and every month once I get paid he takes half my pay to cover his debts and the other half goes on rent, so I'm left with nothing. I'm sick of living like this, I'm nearly 25 and still wearing clothes I got when I was 16 because I never have money to get new ones, I don't feel like a woman. I have no friends at all and I have no family. I'm so lonely and I just don't know what to do, no money to leave and get my own place, no-one to talk to.
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male
reader, eddy_nicolas +, writes (18 November 2009):
 hi,daisy
its seems that its pretty serious.im in the exact same situation as you are except of the fact that im living alone.my parents died 2years ago so i have left my country.i know how it feels.but lets come back to the topic...5years?????????its pretty obvious that he is taking advantage of you.this is not love!!!!!you should leave him alone!!!and you are still young,for the god sake.you have to enjoy your life.if i were in your shoes,when i would reçeive my wages i would take the decision to move.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (18 November 2009):
 It’s awful to feel that way. But don’t worry! There is hope!
There IS someone you have in your corner that you’ve forgotten about. You have YOU! And YOU are a powerful woman who can get you out of this mess!
“YOU” only needs one thing.... control and you HAVE that already. Every month you surrender it to him, but you can stop doing that anytime! You simply have to choose to.
Start by getting your own bank account if you don’t already have one. Then, tell him well before next pay something like, "Well, babe, I won't be handing over $X to you every month. That stops now (or if you like you can give him two months or something – but STICK to your time limit!!) I can't afford it and I won’t dress like a homeless person to finance your financial recovery anymore (remember – you’re happy, not angry – he doesn’t have to like it because you like it and that’s all that matters).
“From now on you can have $X which is more than fair to pay for my share of groceries, rent, utilities and my share of any debt. What you choose to do with that is up to you. I think it will make it easier for you if we reduce cost with a smaller apartment, etc. but if you can make it on your own with what I give you, that's entirely up to you."
There is a technique I like to call the "Happy-Steam-Roller". You just “Happy Steam-Roller” right over him. Let him object, let him argue; you are happy because you have control and are taking care of your needs. Meet his objections to your new-found philosophy with a smile and feel free to ignore whatever you like. Do not be roped into arguments; do not let his objections, moods, guilt, anger or fear chip away at your resolve. He incurred the debt; you do not have to pay for it. He is having trouble, has roped you into dealing with it without any say and wouldn’t work with you to make you both happy, so now you will do it on your own without worrying about him.
Develop a mantra that works for you, if necessary. Something you can repeat in your head that will help you keep your resolve. What I find helpful is envisioning what I want and how I will feel when I have it (say, my own place or some new clothes) and I focus on that while I take steps to get there.
If he wants to negotiate, that means he opens up every bill he has and gives you complete access at anytime and takes your advice. You can offer more financial aid if it means you have a share in the control and are satisfied that he has a plan that will help him out of debt, but will not do so unless this is the case.
As you sort out this aspect of your finances, do some soul-searching. What do YOU want? What hobbies do you enjoy? Start investing in the things that make you happy. Round yourself out by adding joy back into your life.
With each step you take you will find yourself closer to having friends, being happy and maybe being on your own.
Good luck and do not doubt that you can do this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): Don't let him take your money. Put it in a savings account. That way it will earn interest. Pay rent first and then hide it, so that it's safe and away from Mr. grabby. If you're really feeling alone with no one to talk to, start blogging online. Hopefully someone will stop by and read it. Save some of that hard earned money and Go out to a movie or local night club. Go somewhere where you can be social. This guy, whom I'm sure you still must have feelings for if you're still with him, is a leech, a vampire. He is draining you of everything that would make you happy. Your social life, your money, your free time, your attention and your good emotions. Kick him out of your apartment. Evict him from your life. If he's not listening to you or your problems, and is in fact causing you to be stressed, he's not your friend or lover. He is using you for as long as he can. If he's not trying to get a job or 'too busy on his laptop' to try, He's a loafer. Don't let him control your life.
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A
female
reader, Tine +, writes (18 November 2009):
 well its time to stand up to him and say 'your debts are your problem'. If you can't stand being in this relationship any longer then i suggest you tellhim to move out. It sounds as though he is just livigin with you to sponge off you, and to be honest you don't work as hard as you do for him just to sit on a laptop all day and night. Tell him that either he plucks up his ideas and starts paying off his own debt or show him the door.
Do you have no family what so ever?? how about old friends that you used to hang around with?? Even try to get out to a we night class to meet people or join your local gym in order to make friends. Get yourself back out there and start spending the money you earn on yourself for a change!
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