A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone After 3.5 years of a LTR, my ex dumped me over the phone because he said it would be easier and that his mind was made up. He said he didn't want to see me upset or risk going back on his decision. The only thing he kept saying was that he didn't see how we would work long term. Yes that's all I got out of him. I thought the last 2 years were so great. We rarely fought, laughed a lot and started spending lots of time with our families. We even discussed wedding plans and how we would go about it all. I'm very, very hurt because he ghosted me after that call. I thought we were at least friends. He would tell me and his family I was his best friend. I was there for him after he got sick and needed surgery. Not one of his friends visited him! Not one but he apparently vented to these so callled friends about me instead of telling me. He didn't like my sleep schedule, pressure from my job, or that I wouldn't exercise regularly even though I'm leaner than him. I don't miss the self esteem jabs or guilt. I know this is for the best but I'm still really sad and I think depressed he pretends I'm dead. Even our mutual friends are shocked he's being this way. Has anyone been through this and how did you get over it? I feel like I won't trust anyone. I can't emphasize how shocked I am that he dropped me like a bad habit. People are telling me to go date bc he's dating but I'm not ok yet to try it. Thanks everyone.
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best friend, depressed, my ex, self esteem, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): Of course endings are hard but this is cruel and cowardly in my opinion. Dont be surprised if you get a crummy messsage from him at some point. I believe in manners. No he doesnt have to be your friend but this is way too harsh. Personally I think therr are better ways of dealing with things. A guy did this to me and I have never forgotten the way he did it. No one needs to be severed and binned like this.Funny thing is he contacted me the next year telling me he had been ghosted and apologised for what he did to me. I ignored him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): So here's the thing. This isn't "out of the blue" exactly. You yourself stated some things you didn't like (self esteem jabs etc) in any relationship if one. Person isnt happy it usually means both people aren't exactly happy if you're honest with yourself.
Sounds like it's time for you to look at yourself for a while. Explore new things and reinvent yourself
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 August 2017):
 I have to agree with Auntie Cindy.
He knows being "friends" wouldn't work as there are still a lot of mutual feelings. For both of you to be able to move on "faster" or "easier" he chose to end it over the phone and then CUT all contact. It's what HE thinks will work best. You may not like it but that was his choice.
I know it hurts to get dumped, it's NEVER nice. At least this way you don't have to keep talking to him and pretend he didn't hurt you.
He could also have dragged this relationship out WAY longer knowing that it wasn't what he wanted. He ended it because he realized that is wasn't going to work out as he had hoped.
IT IS way more honest to BE up front and end it.
Yes, it's not very classy to end a 3-year relationship over the phone but that might have been because he isn't good at handling hurting your feelings "face to face". He might have felt it was a "cleaner" break.
TAKE your time getting over this relationship. It's OK to NOT feel ready to date yet.
The best thing you can do is accept it happened (doesn't mean you have to like how it ended) and consider it was BETTER that it ended now rather than AFTER that wedding.
Look for the bright side ( I know it's hard) but it's WAY better for you to look at the positive than being bitter over something you can not control.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2017):
 Ok, I am going to take some flak here, but to be honest , I think what he is doing is normal , reasonable and smart.
He could have been less brutal in breaking up, but, brutal or diplomatic, merciless or sensitive, being dumped hurts anyway, and your feelings would have been more or less the same whichever way he had chosen for leaving you. But- he left you. You are an EX. He does not pretend that you are dead, he is moving on with his life, which is the sensible thing to do when you terminate a relationship. Staying friends is totally optional, and in most case, pointless ,and hurtful to the dumpee.
Friendship is a bond between equals ( in feelings ), you are not equals if one stopped being in love and the other stil has romantic feelings. Some times you can rebuild a friendship, later on, if both cared about each other and liked each other as persons, not just as romantic interests... but surely not right away. I think that , understandably, now you are hurt not only in your feelings, but in your pride; nobody likes to be ignored, or considered disposable. But, it is what it is, and if he reached the conclusion that he will be as happy or more without you,... what would you want his attention for ? What do you want to talk him about : the new people he is dating ? His plans for activities not including you ? How much he hated all your little flaws ? None of this conversations would be helpful or healing for you ( nor for him ) and if you want to talk about fashion, sports, politics and the news of the day... I am pretty sure that you do not need HIM for that, you can do it with your platonic friends. It would be like picking at a scab : you just delay the healing process.
You will move on, sooner or later. It can be fast , it can be slow, but you will. T am totally sure about it. You need to be patient and to give yourself time, but it all starts from giving yourself closure, by accepting that, for whatever reasons of his, he did not want this relationship anymore, and that it's for the best. In the sense, that he made the right choice. The best would have been that you were going to be crazily in love with each other forever, which unluckily did not happen. But the second best thing is that he cut ties as soon as he realized his heart was in it no more, avoiding you to string you along just out of compassion, or habit, or guilt, withdrawing his energy from the relationship little by little, day after day, and condemming it to a long, painful, dragged on agony. If you think what you are going through now is painful ( it is, I do not deny it ) , try instead clinging on to someone who is present in body but absent in spirit, someone who can't honestly poinpont any major dealbreaker in you, or accuse you of anything terruble, .. and YET can't help feeling that you are not " it ", not the one, that he needs someone more X or less Y- then come back and tell me how much did you like THAT.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (26 August 2017):
 I go along totally with what A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): this guy is an eegit ( as we say) and a real asshole,
you're going through the rejection and will take time to get over it, and I hope you can use the experience from this relationship in a positive way and not feel that all men are pigs like this guy was.
wish you find your happiness
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2017): Omg what an arse! This is a truly horrid way for him to treat you after being together and thinking all is well for so long. The pain you are experiencing is likened to physical pain and it's intense and feels like it will never lift.
It's the pain of utter rejection, as well as reeling from the shock of where this even came from.
Thing is, now he's done it, and very sadly, you have to accept that he owes you no more now. He doesn't owe you care or consideration. Sounds awful I know, but it is true. He's concentrating on himself and his healing. He will need to heal too- whatever his reasons were for ending your relationship so abruptly, you likely will never know. But he would have thought about it for some time, that you can be sure of I'm afraid... it won't be impulsive, so there won't be any going back for him or at least it is hugely unlikely.
I really feel for you and what you are going through. Not only has he dumped you out of nowhere, but now he's ignoring you. From his perspective he likely is doing that part for the reasons he says. He's made his mind up and knows and feels strong enough I guess, to hold steady and bite the bullet of withdrawal with true no contact.
Something could have happened which means he doesn't see a way forward.aube he's been unfaithful or what have you and the guilt is to offer much- who knows. None of those things matter really, as all those what ifs and what could it be's going round and round your head right now aren't helping you heal or start to feel better. And that needs to be your top priority now- you healing and feeling better.
Time will be such a major part of that. Right now it is so painful and raw. You likely don't feel you will ever be over it or start to feel ok.
You will though, that's all I can say really... it will feel less intense as time goes on. In the mean time there are some things that might help.
If you are prone to checking or stalking, do all you can to break this behavior now, start today.
If you are a checker of whatsapp to see if he's on line etc, set yourself targets to reduce this. Only have one time every six hours and so on, reduce the constant and impulsive times- it becomes a habit. Reduce further when you can.
Stay away from fb completely if you can. Take the app off your phone so you aren't tempted to use it to stalk. You need to go cold turkey.
Delete his messages- especially if iou find yourself looking at them over and over... analyzing them ... what does this mean, what does that mean... it doesn't matter now. Your healing is all that matters.
If you aren't ready to date then don't. But flirt- be it on line or whatever, whatever helps you get a buzz or be distracted.
Be kind to yourself. Tell yourself aloud in the mirror 'I will feel better soon. I'll be ok' that kind of thing.
Rely on tire friends. Try and get out even if it's for coffee with them. Plan a trip away and try every day to concentrate on yourself for a while- new hair do, nails done, relaxing bath- whatever. Something everyday.
Please know this awful feeling will lesson... it truly will. And these things will help it along that pathway.
I wish you the best of luck
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A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (26 August 2017):
Hello OP!
Here are my opinions of what may be going on:
- He started dating someone else and decided to end things with you
- LDR relationships are SO VERY HARD to maintain. Traveling from one place to another can sometimes be prohibitively expensive, and skype and calls isn't the same as being in person.
- He got probably fed up with that LDR
- He needed sex, and he wasn't getting it as frequently as he needed.
- Hi had other needs on the relationship that were not being met.
How can I tell you this? I've been with my current GF for 10 years, with very long LDR patches in between, and those have been the toughest parts. I did not dated other women or cheated my GF , but I have known a lot of guys in similar situations that can't stand a lot of time in a LDR.
What can you do to get over this?
GET A (emotionally healthy) REVENGE!
- Workout, join a gym, or sport, and get fit, thinking "YOU ARE MISSING THIS DUDE"
- Join an art club, or any kind of club or activity that you like or would like to know more about.
- Volunteer in your community.
- Improve yourself: keep studying, go to night classes, invest in yourself.
- Fix your bad habits.
- Read (good) self help books
- Go to therapy to help you cope with this loss.
- Start dating as soon as you get over your loss.
If you follow my advice, I can guarantee you that you will not only feel better and get over your loss, but you will also be able to find a MUCH BETTER MAN than the one you were dating, and you don't need to be in a LDR anymore.
Best luck!
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