A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:MOD NOTE: OP's own title.Sorry, i could not use the one you requested, as its already been used.Hello, I'm 31 yrs old and currently deployed in Iraq. About 1 month ago my wife told me that she had gotten drunk after work one night and ended sleeping with a co worker. She confessed to me about it over the phone and ended up quitting the job upon my request. She also says that the guy had moved out of state since. My problem is that how is it possible to face someone you love after almost 2 years of marriage. This is the worst feeling i have ever felt in my life. There has been a lot of small lies to go with that incident. She seems genuinly sorry, but i'm finding so hard to figure out what i want to do as far as work it out etc. What would you do? How can I cope with this a little easier? How do you get intimate again after being deployed for a year? How do I trust again? Any and all advice welcome. Thank you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This cheating accident seems caused by heavy drinking, and her repentance seems genuine (she quit her job, after all).
Sadly, the past cannot be changed; but you might forgive her this time, it is up to you. Tell her to stay away from alcohol ENTIRELY as she seems unable to refrain from drinking too much. If she stays away from drinking, I believe that she will not cheat again.
You may consider this episode as the first time your ability to forgive is really put to the test. Marriage is not always linear or easy, and many times trouble appears out of nowhere. We may never be prepared enough, but we can react as best as we can and usually come out victorious.
No matter what you choose, I hope it turns out well for you.
I hope that your service period ends soon and that you can go back home to her and find a safer, better-paid job. As for intimacy, try visiting the old places that you both visited when you were dating. Perhaps that will help to rekindle the fire.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 September 2010):
 I'm an Army wife, have been for 13 years. I have never cheated nor do I ever think I will, but that is another matter.
I'm sorry this happened to you. I don't really think there ever is a good excuse for cheating, but still it happens and it happens a lot more with Army couple then I thought it did.
I strongly suggest that you go talk to your chaplain ( if he is worth a darn) of where to go from there. When you get home I hope you and your wife will consider contacting MilitaryOneSource and find a counselor to help you both through this. Most units hosts marriage retreats, SIGN up for one as soon as you can after getting home.
Rebuilding trust will be the hardest part of this and your wife needs to commit 100% to wanting to do the work she needs to do for you to trust her again.
I've been on the same end of the stick as you, being cheated on and it's NOT easy to move past, work through and ultimately forgive, but it can be done.
Honestly being intimate is WAY easier then trusting.
Good luck and Stay Safe.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 September 2010):
 One thing I forgot to add was I understand the stress of the military and when my husband brings home that stress. My job as a wife is to detox him when he gets home. I'm his support..Your wife lost sight of that. Now, you will have not only the stress from the military but the stress of your marriage as well.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 September 2010):
I think tennistar offers some really good advice there. You have the option for counselling, but since you'll be deployed again at some point, this is something that could seriously affect your work.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (1 September 2010):
Military stories always tug on my heartstrings since my bf is in the military too. First of all, I'm very sorry she cheated on you, and alcohol should not be an excuse, although it helps the process along. But the one bright side of this is that she is the one that came clean to you, with no prodding. The way I see it is that cheating destroys trust, but if you can trust your partner to tell you the truth (no matter how bad), that alleviates things somewhat. Now, she seems very sorry and is trying hard to atone for it, so if it were me, I would give it time and try to rebuild. But that might have to wait until you're back beside her, since it's hard to feel intimate and close and recover from such a blow when you can't spend time together. But the time apart might do some good, as it can give you time to cope with it. Don't think about it obsessively, but just think about the possible reasons this happened (loneliness, being drunk, etc) and that it doesn't mean anything. Over time, the feelings of betrayal should fade.As for getting intimacy back, try to keep intimacy going even when you're away. My bf's never been deployed, but has been away from me for several months. And he sent me postcards and we sent each other packages. Just let the other person know you care about them, are thinking about them, and can't wait to get home. Plan what you will do when you get back. Tell them about your days. And most of the closeness should still be there, although it might be a little weird at first.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 September 2010):
I thought they sent everyone back from Iraq. Well, I'm an army wife and there's nothing I hate more than women like that giving the typical stereotype that all army wives cheat. You know we know what were getting into when we marry someone from the military if not, we learn real fast. And if you can't handle it then it's best to walk away now before you do something stupid in which no one will have sympathy for you. There's things they can do to occupy their time better school, kids, babysitting, hobbies, the gym, exercise classes, and work..Plus, alcohol is no excuse. Sorry, I got to ranting
Anyway, most guys my husband knows don't take any crap and go straight for the divorce papers if their wife cheated. Then again, I can see the side for wanting to work it out because you do love her and you married her for a reason. However, she broke the wedding vows. Getting intimate after deployment with someone who cheated, I would be hesitant on that...There's options, I would take advantage of the marriage counselors offered on base and see if you salvage the marriage maybe you can forgive her. If I were in your shoes, all it takes is one time I would hit her with the divorce papers.
Because what happens the next time you deploy, it will be on your mind that she could quite possibly cheat again..
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