A
male
age
30-35,
*er_zyniker
writes:Okay. This is going to be a long one because the key is in the details. I'm gay and in college studying chemical engineering and there is this guy that I sort of like. Now I just transferred to the college I'm at now at the beginning of this school year and I'm incredibly quirky. It usually takes people a while to get used to me. I've had a little crush on him ever since the beginning of the school year, which is when I met him. We're both in the same major and most the classes only have 1 section, so we have a lot of classes together. We chatted occasionally this last semester, but not all that much. I thought he was kinda cute, but other than that, I really didn't pay much attention to my crush. Towards the beginning of this semester we started to talk to each other a little more, but it was mostly small talk. Within the last month or so, we started talking to each other more and more. In my quantum mechanics class he started out the semester sitting a few rows ahead of me, but a few weeks ago he gradually moved where he was sitting closer to where I sit and about 3 weeks ago he was sitting in the same row as me and there was just one person in between us. This is a lecture hall where all the chair are connected.So after one class I went to one of the engineering computer labs on campus and he sat down at the computer next to me and it seemed like he chose that computer because he wanted to talk to me. In the course of that conversation he I told him that I am gay. I said it more in passing. It wasn't the main point of the comment I made. He stopped for a second and just said "Wait. You're gay?" When I said yeah, he just said "huh. I didn't know." He said that he wasn't gay, but he likes to cook. He then looked up the "gay guys will marry your girlfriends" video on youtube and watched it a couple times and made a couple jokes. He wasn't being mean, he was just teasing. But he also said that he could tell when another guy is hot. He then started to look up pictures of guys he thinks are hot. He also told me a story about how he told his parents he was gay as a joke, just to see how they would react. He is also someone where you sort of gives off the vibe that he might be gay. He also friended me on facebook during that conversation, granted he's someone that has about 900 facebook friends. We just joked around during that conversation. Since then we have started to talk even more, but just during or between classes. He has also switched to sitting right next to me. A few days after that, I was in the computer lab again and I was reading a news article on my computer. Then he walked up behind me, slapped me on the back and said "Hey sexy. What are you looking at?"A lot the time in the class where he sits right next to me I get the feeling that he's looking at me out of the corner of his eyes, but it's not like he's starring at me. I just get the feeling that he steals a lot of quick glances, but I could just be imagining it. I think I see him taking quick glances with my peripheral vision/out of the corner of my eye.He's very outgoing and it wouldn't surprise me if he was someone that touches people a lot if he knew them, but I haven't really noticed him slapping his friends on the back or touching them a lot in conversation. He seems to have a relatively even number of friends that are guys and girls. When we're talking, it's not like he touches me every 5 seconds or something like that, but it seems like he touches me a lot more than I've noticed him touching his friends when he talks to them. Then just the other day, as class was starting our professor said something that I found somewhat humorous, but I guess I was one of the only ones that found it amusing. I gave a quick little chuckle. He just looked at me and asked "What?". I tried to say that it was nothing, but he didn't quite hear me. He leaned his ear in so could hear me a little better, but he leaned in in such a way that his entire back was on my arm. If he had only done couple of these things I would just think that I was imagining things or that it was nothing. However, all these little things put together make me think that I might not be imagining things. It feels like he's sending mixed signals and the fact that I'm not so sure about if I'm just imagining things or if he's giving me hints is confusing me to the point where I'm not so sure how to act around him. As a result it feels like I'm sending him mixed signals because sometimes when we pass in a hall I'll say hi, but sometimes I'll pretend I don't notice it's him (but I get the feeling he knows when I'm faking). I know it's dumb and that it sort of sends mixed signals, but I do this because I don't want him to get the feeling that I'm clingy or a pest in case he's gay. I also don't want him to get the feeling that I'm interested in case he's straight. But sometimes I can tell he isn't sure how to act around me either and I don't know if it's because he might be interested, because I'm sending mixed signals, or both. It feels like this has sort of become a vicious circle of mixed signals. I know that the best way to deal with this is probably to just talk to him about it, but I don't have all that many friends right now and I don't want to scare him off. Normally I would be able to tell if I am just imagining things, but I'm just to close to this to tell. Am I just imagining things? If I'm not imagining things what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): It definitely seems like he may be in the closet. He jokes around about being gay, because he wants to see what people would think about him. This may be important to him, considering his popularity, or his social reputation. From what I read, it doesn't seem like you're imagining things, but you might want to gradually get his feelings for you (if any) out of him. You don't want to do it directly, because he could be confused and extremely self conscious about his sexuality, and he could react angrily. maybe invite him to a party, or something. Get his number, and start to text him. Hint that you're into him, and make sure he can trust you. maybe he'll come out to you. If he doesn't wait for the right time, and ask him about it. However be aware that this could end your friendship if you were wrong (which i highly doubt). You also have to keep in mind that he may want to keep it a secret, and if your friendship escalates to a relationship, you would have to think forward and accept that it may be a very private relationship. I hope I could help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2013): The best thing to do in a situation that is uncertain is keep things in perspective. Don't put a lot of faith in speculation and don't read too much into things. I will now proceed with my lecture. "Straight Friend 101."You are in college. People are away from their hometown environment for the first time. This allows us to explore new territory, and to blend in or mingle with personalities we've never really encountered up-close before. A mixture of races, cultures, religions, and sexual orientation.I will share the benefit of my own experience, as a gay man who has attended an all-male college; and served in the military in the early 80's.I felt very guarded and apprehensive when I first went into the military, because it was before the acceptance of active service of gay men and women. I grew up with older brothers who gave me my rough edges; but my soft-side always seems to surface. No matter how hard I may try to hide it. They didn't want other guys to beat me up because I was a "queer." I had to appear "straight" for all practical purposes. I had to fit in.They loved me regardless.You form very close bonds with other men when you're in the military. You serve a single purpose, you may go into battle. You experience all the same hardships; and share the same good times. These men are the epitome of manhood and masculinity. You can't find them any tougher.Many of the men I met were macho, sexy, and extremely good-looking. THEY WERE NOT GAY. NOT EVEN CURIOUS! Not even in the slightest way.I myself can turn a few heads. I had a large group of straight buddies, who often hung out together. There were a few within the group that figured me out. I preferred to hangout with the better-looking dudes for the obvious reasons. Girls love cute guys in uniform. If you drew a lot of women, no one questioned your sexual orientation. So I did some of my own experimentation with women. I liked it.It didn't change anything.It helped me to blend in, and harder to detect as a gay man. The other guys purposely protected me. I expected it to be different. THESE GUYS WERE STRAIGHT! I though they'd hand me over on a silver platter. Yes, taking a shower got dicey. Sometimes I had to shut my eyes tight. I'm only human. You get used to it; but there are certain guys thatpush your buttons. A gay man can be in a shower with dozens of hot men, and not get sexually aroused. That's how used to it you get. You can control an erection. No one really paid any attention anyway. That made it easier. If anyone made a stink about it, he only drew suspicion on himself.Guys who knew me well, would touch me more than any of our other male friends. They'd compliment how I looked. Wink at me, or slap me on the butt. I was even told by one guy, if he liked guys, I'd be the one. Of course that is usually after a few shots and a six-pack. That's just party talk.They forget they said that by the next-morning's hangover. So don't take straight-male flirtation seriously. They don't really mean it. It's their way of saying:"I love you man!!!" They are also in a sense mocking you. Establishing they're the alpha male in the room. They have all the testosterone. What we call the "top." You're his fuzzy little bro.I behaved by the book, and was even told I could model for a recruitment poster. That was a left-handed compliment.They were calling me a pretty-boy. Again, straight guys like to make fun of us. They know when another guy is attractive; but if you ask them, they will deny it.In essence, they knew my little gay secret, but didn't let on. I still would never admit to it; but I accepted the camaraderie and their trust. There were other gay men who were a little more obvious. They fit in like anyone else.Times are changing. So the societal gap once held between straight male to gay male friendship is closing. Women don't corner the market on that benefit. They used to scare men by telling them any association with gay men meant he was gay. They feared competition for men. That's a lie created out of fear and insecurity. Friendship with straight men is not a new concept, it's just becoming more open to society. It used to be kept only on the DL (down low.)All straight men are not homophobic. They can be affectionate and express their feelings openly. Only to the extent that it is comfortable. It can't compromise their established heterosexuality, and you must never tell anyone what they did that you would consider gay. That's the unspoken rule among dudes. Respect it. Break it, and lose a straight friend. They are true and loyal. They are valuable. Never take advantage of anyone intoxicated. They are not in control of their faculties, and this could have very devastating consequences. Some guys become suicidal.Even in the 80's, Clinton started the "don't ask don't tell;" but my buddies (and even those who didn't like me), never exposed me for being gay. I was just one of the guys. That didn't ring true for all gays, mind you. They kicked people out left and right. Phobic behavior ran rampant. I was very lucky. The old-school military were a bunch of paranoid closet cases. Those old farts had nothing to worry about. Their dried-up old alcoholic carcases were under no threat from gay men. The stories I heard!These men respected me. They weren't gay, but they sensed I was. Let's they knew it. They treated me nicely, almost to the degree I was embarrassed. They were encountering their first gay man; for some of these small-town hicks. I didn't seem too scary. I smelled nice and had shinier shoes.So I got hugged differently. Touched more frequently, and sometimes flirted with. It was playful, because they could be at ease without being scrutinized for their masculinity.I pretended to be offended. I enjoyed every minute of it.But never did I ever return the favor. I was never asked.They already knew.When I attended military college, the same was true. I met a lot of men who sensed I was not straight. They respected the fact I didn't approach them; but in a sense many wanted me to. This is where some straight men get strange.In a weird sense; they wanted to be validated as attractive to another man?! They did everything they could to get my attention; or subtly tried to see if they could get a "rise" out of me. No reaction. Their egos were crushed.It's cute in a way. I was careful knowing there were actually people planted who try to expose gay men in the military, or the military academies (during those times) to have gays discharged. I knew better than to go for the bait. It was an awful feeling not to be myself; even when my friends didn't care.They told me in subtle and respectful ways, that they knew but it was okay. So we bonded without prejudice.I did meet some other gay men; but I want to educate you about male behavior that we gay men often misinterpret.Straight men are more comfortable with fashion, color their hair, and love the gym. Just like gay men. So they are less and less threatened by our presence. They still don't like the stereotypical types. They feel very uncomfortable around them, and they hate being hit on by gay men in public. It's humiliating and an insult to their manhood. You might be found beaten to a pulp in some alley. If not dead!Some gay men think they can go to straight bars to pick up straight men, and learn the hard way. That is stupid! When straight men are comfortable in their skin and their masculinity isn't threatened; they have no problem with being around gay men. As is proven on surveys taken before the recent laws were past for gays to join active service. Most straight men just don't care. They are comfortable being nude in front of gay men, bunking in the same room, and hanging out with us. We are just guys who like sex with chicks! I've been teased, frisked, and groped by my "straight" buddies. Just because they can get away with it.I don't take it seriously, because it's for my benefit.Not theirs. They're not on our team, but I like how they play.It seemed at times more straight guys wanted to grab my crotch than gay men. They did it just to get away with it, and it was no big deal. I encountered a few nasty phobes, only later to be hit on when they were drunk. Telling me they heard rumors, just to intimidate me. You'll learn a lot about this stuff as your college experience progresses.You are in the infancy of your gay experience. You'll learn to read mixed signals; mostly made affectionately, and all in fun. You have to let them know when they're going too far. Straight boys play rough; because they still see you as another guy. So too much touchy-feely has to be regulated. They get carried away when high or intoxicated.Your buddy is curious. You are safe to be around, and probably his first gay friend. Or at least the first one who openly admitted he was. He wants you to feel at ease in his company. By letting you know he has no qualms with who you are, and he has no hangups about your orientation.Europeans and many other cultures allow men to embrace, kiss, hold hands, and there are no sexual undertones. The behavior is openly accepted as daily human interaction.It's taboo in American culture for men to be too openly affectionate with each other. So we have to use being drunk as an excuse to kiss a buddy on the mouth, or dry hump him when he gives us a full-body hug. This is all disguised behavior for straight men. It's what men want to do secretly. But our society has determined it to be inappropriate and depraved behavior among hetero-males. Our culture is changing, and men aren't as threatened about their masculinity. If they are attracted to women, they like women exclusively. Bisexual men enjoy whatever. You're cool as long as you "respect their boundaries." Even if they twist your nipples or borrow your hair gel. You'll get away with things any other guy would be picking up his teeth off the floor for. That is, if they like you.If they want to take a buddy on a man-date, they do it and could care less what anybody thinks. They'll even stand up a girlfriend if his buddy is bummed out, and needs a friend.This being said, you have to look for the signals that are not confusing. Ask him straight up if he is gay or just curious. Respect his boundaries. If you're actually being hit on; but he backs off. Stop. It must be his decision to go any further.It means he is undecided, still in the closet, and isn't emotionally ready to cross that line. You should adhere to this rule. Both parties should be consenting. You have admitted to being gay. He has not.Straight guys get up close and examine you like a lab animal. So when you feel them staring. They are checking you out to see if there is any stereotypical behavior that they may have missed, for future reference. They're just honing their gaydar. Don't take it personal. They do the same thing to women. They are protecting their egos. It shocks them when you tell them you are gay and they didn't figure it out first. They expect stereotypical behavior. If they have gay relatives or friends,they think they can always tell. They're still learning about us.They think we talk with lisps, wear colorful skinny jeans, and roll our eyes a lot. Well, we're not always that flamboyant. That can also be the description of a straight nerd.They think they should be able to pick you out of a crowd.They watch too much TV. So college is a good place to learn about gay people. On an intellectual plain. You discover who you are, and meet others. Don't label people. Let them define themselves.So if he is gay-curious. He must make all the moves. He must initiate any action of a sexual nature; or he will withdraw and completely end the friendship. He may accuse you of forcing your life-style on him. Anything he does must be strictly voluntary. You can accept if it is within your comfort zone. If you feel he's sexually toying with you, then you set the boundaries. He doesn't know any better.Don't attach your feelings; because that is the first response too many gay people give when they crush on someone who is actually straight; but gay-friendly. These our your experimental years. Guys and girls will do things just for the experience, and have no emotional attachment at all. So don't misread his intentions or signals. If you want to know, don't guess. Ask!End of lecture.
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