A
female
age
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*ssgee39
writes:i have been in my house for 25 years. i moved here to be near my mum and dad, their house was a few doors away. now my two sons ahve left home my mum has died and my dad as gone to shelted housing. i am still grieving for my mum she only died in july 2008. i cannot get used to my boys not being here. my husband suggest we move but i dont know what to do my husband works nights i feel safe here i get upset looking at my dads house and mum and dad are not there. i feel scared to move and sad to stay and sad to leave! could you please help? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (11 February 2009):
We tend to cling to that which is familiar, b/c that is what we are most comfortable with, even if what is familiar is not the best thing for us.
Change can be good, esp. in your situation. I think seeing your parent's house across the way everyday will be a constant reminder of what once was and is no longer.
I think staying in your current home has become lonely for you since your children have moved out, now that they are adults. That too will serve as a constant reminder of what once was and is no longer. Of course your children will still be in your life, but they have moved on to have their own lives and independence, as they should. It is only natural to miss them so, b/c they were constantly in your life everyday up to that point.
When I was younger, my older son had always lived with me from the time he was born, during the separation from his father, and after the divorce. When he was 12, he informed me that he wanted to go live with his father. Legally I could have stopped this, but I felt he was old enough to make that decision, and felt it would be detrimental to prohibit him from doing this. So I let him go live with his father, as painful as that was. It devastated me, it hurt me, and it sent me into a severe depression. I nearly completely fell apart over it.
Coming home every night after work was most painful of all, for that's where many of our memories were made. I knew my home had now become a negative emotional trigger for me. I knew that it was time to get out, find a new place of my own, and move on. It was one of the best changes I ever made.
The move itself, packing up the old house, and getting set up at my new place kept me so busy, and left me little time to stay depressed. I did have my difficult moments whenever I would come across an old memento of my son's that had to be packed up - an old baseball cap, a crayon drawing of the two of us from 1st grade. I would fall apart in tears and hold the object close to my heart. Then I would gather myself and keep going with what I had to do. I put myself in a position where I had to keep moving along and had to stick to a schedule with the move. Once I moved in, I took that as an opportunity to replace some things that had previously become worn (linens and such), to sort through and discard some unwanted and unnecessary items (better if you can do this before the move though, if time permits!), and to get out and take walks through the neighborhood, which allowed me to meet and get to know some of my new neighbors, as well as become familiar with my new community and where I needed to go to do the shopping and whatnot.
Moving will be bittersweet. Of course you have many memories in your current home. But you can take those memories with you. You will always have them in the form of reminiscing with your kids and your husband, photographs, sentimental mementos you can keep tucked away in a box in the attic, the memories formed in your own mind, etc. Remember those memories, and let them put a smile on your face. Try not to long for the past, b/c we can never get the past back. We can only live in the here and now, and look forward with promise to the future, and hopefully remember the past with fondness instead of longing (which will only torture us in the end).
I think moving will be an exciting change. As far as the safety concern, you can always find a comparably safe neighborhood elsewhere. In any community, you always have the option beforehand of talking to the local police dept., asking around, and knocking on neighbors' doors, literally, to ask them questions about the neighborhood and what goes on there (prefacing by saying you are thinking of moving there yourself! so they are not suspicious, thinking who is this stranger asking me these questions). You may even be able to find crime statistics on the Internet for different communities. Drive through the neighborhood you're considering during different times of the day and night, during the week and then again over the weekend, to get a feel for who lives there and what they are doing. Are they outside taking care of their property or washing their cars? Are there hoardes of kids hanging out on the street corners? Are there cars blocking the street b/c they're making a drug deal? Is there a town watch group? What kind of reputation does that neighborhood have? You will know by getting a glimpse of the type of people who live there, their appearance, the types of cars they drive, how they keep their property, etc. Ask around, do your homework, check it out yourself, open your eyes, and take it all in. You will get a feel for what is going on there, to bring you peace of mind and a level of comfort before you go signing any contracts or leases.
Are you a stay-at-home wife, or do you work outside your home? If you are not working, maybe you could get at least a part-time job, even if you don't need the money. It would give you a sense of accomplishment, it would get you out of the house and around other people, and it could help fill a void which has been left by both your parents and your children. Of course no one and nothing can or will replace them, but you know what I mean. Volunteer work is also something you can do for as many hours or as few hours as you want. If does make one feel good when you are able to give something back to others and to the community. Volunteers are the ones who make all the difference in so many groups and organizations, for if it weren't for them, those groups and organizations would not even exist.
Do you have any hobbies? Any you have always wanted to start? I know if we are feeling sad over everything, that will cause us to feel less motivated about these things, and can cause us to lose interest in the very things we used to like. We end up isolating and having too much time on our hands to think about the things that make us sad. This further digs the hole we have already begun to dig for ourselves. So, we must look within ourselves, pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, and force ourselves to climb out of that hole. It is for our own good, and before we know it, we do start to feel better again about ourselves and life in general. The busier we keep ourselves, the more we will be occupied, and the less time we have to feel down.
Good luck to you and your husband, and let us know how you make out!
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