A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, i'm 25 years old muslim girl. i'm currently in a 5-year relationship with the man of my dreams, he is african and a christian. he treats me with respect, i have never met a man who is as driven, understanding, supportive and kind as he is. and he is very loyal, compared to my previous ex-s of the same race and religion as me. i have dated 3 of them before and all 3 have cheated on me. my man taught me everything i need to know about life, about learning, studies. we are both learning the same trade so he really taught me a lot. he is one of the best students in the uni too and i'm very proud to be with him. he respects my religion and my culture and can even speak my native language. all my muslim friends like him too. he does a lot of things for me, he even does my laundry sometimes. even after 5 years together, our love grows even stronger. i love him with all my heart.i have depression and mood disorders from a previous relationships with guys of the same race and religion. my parents are never really involved emotionally with me. i grew up as an awkward and quiet child so i have self-esteem issues. i didn't have any friends to talk to, and i was always bullied and made fun of by my brothers and sisters (but they're nice now that they're grown up). i was always the kid that people play pranks on. i felt extremely lonely and suicidal. but since i met him, i feel like a new person, i feel loved, i finally know how it feels like to be appreciated, how to love someone unconditionally, i felt how it's like to matter to someone. he saved me. the thing is, my family (extended) esp my grandparents, are very staunch muslims. they are sometimes racists on africans but not to their faces. i love my family very much and we are very close. my grandmother is always talking about marrying own cousins and honestly, i think it is disturbing. in short, they are very conservative. since we are graduating in a few months, we will go back to our respective countries and the impending separation is slowly killing me from the inside. i find myself losing motivation, crying at night, and just dreading the future. we plan to get married, but i know my family won't accept him if he doesn't convert to islam. we haven't properly talked about this yet, because we want to spend the small amount of time that we have left to be close to each other, but the separation is inevitable and the time will come when we sit down and finally talk, and plan. btw, he does not want to convert. we don't mind marrying each other while having separate religion, but i just don't want my family to disown me. i don't want to come across as an ungrateful child. though, when i try to sit him down and talk to him about it, he rather not talk about it because the thought of it hurts him. i vowed not to marry any other man, if i can't marry him, i won't marry at all. but i still worry about my future. of dying alone. i would probably migrate to his country or anywhere he is just to be with each other even if we won't have any children or family. i can't see any glimmer of hope.
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bullied, cheated on me, christian, cousin, grandmother, muslim Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u all of u for taking the time to reply to my post, i feel so much better that now my problems are heard. and i'm sorry that i annoyed some ppl. right now there's been a major religious animosity going on in my country between the muslims & the christians so i'm sure it won't be easy for the both of us. it's not the religion that's holding me back, bcoz honestly, i knw all religions are the same and i don't mind marrying him with separate religions. but i just don't want to hurt my family in the process of making myself happy. at least that heavy burden in my heart feels much lighter now. thank you again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): I am going through the same situation myself. I am Muslim and my boyfriend is (was raised catholic, but does not practice it anymore, he says all religions are the same). As I was reading your story, I saw myself in your shoes. It is very hard in situations like these. I am very close to my family, but I was told that my parents would disown me if I married my boyfriend..
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 If you are Indonesian and you are studying overseas it indicates to me your family might hold a high-ish status in Indonesia?
I think you are just going to have to take the bull by the horns and go for it, what country is your boyfriend from, do you think your parents or siblings will cave in and not cut you completely once you are married?
Its going to be a tough time for you both, I dont agree your boyfriend should fake converting, its not that simply, and if his heart isnt in it, he will not be able to fool anybody.
I cant give any advise, but send my best wishes and prayers that you can sort this out
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A
female
reader, Jen,  +, writes (15 December 2009):
 This is one of the topic's that really annoy me. It's not your family who is going to marry the man. It's you. It's about how you feel about marrying him. Families including others not just yours need to accept the fact that you should marry who makes you happy, who doesn't cheat on you, who will be there when no one else is there for you. I don't think they understand that.
You have been with this man for 5 years you say. That is a long time, the description you've put in makes him sound like a great guy. He loves you, you loves him. The only thing that is stopping you is your religion? Christians & Muslims all believe in God. They may have different ways of worshipping God and different names they refer to God, but this shouldn't stop you from marrying him. If he makes you happy then why not? After all like I said its you not your family marrying him
I wish you the best of luck.
Jen, x
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (15 December 2009):
If he loves you then he will have to convert in name only. It happens all the time. At the end of the day it I'd the same God of Abraham/Ibrahim, Isaac/Isak and Jacob/Yakub. It is just that one group believes that Issa/Jesus was a prophet and the other believes he was the son of God. This is how my friends who married Muslims rationalized it. Calling God by his Arabic name of Allah does not change who he is. Your boyfriend needs to understand this. After you are married he does not need to live with
your family so he does not need to practice Muslim traditions. It is only for when he is with them. Encourage him to talk about it and come up with some middle ground. If he refuses to talk then write him a letter and give him time to think. Good luck, this is a hard one.
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