A
female
age
30-35,
*nonem
writes:I am not sure if I ever want to get married or not. I hear a lot of people say single people are lonely and also that marriage is not for everyone. I can be very erratic in my decision making and change my mind many times before I get to where am going. Today I dream to have a family and kids(I love children but I am not good with them), tomorrow the thought of marriage scares me and family(what if I want out coz I always think I would stop loving my husband and that would tell a lot in the marriage). I have loved a guy once in my life(and have since moved on) but since then it has been hard for me to ever like anyone else. We never dated but I had strong feelings for him but he never reciprocated for 5 years and I had to let go(took me 3 years to get over him). Since then I can tell you I have never loved another person. I personally do not think this is related to the first guy I loved but I just have never had any feeling for the 3 guys I have dated after. I have dated for pity, for partying and all sorts but not for love. I am currently dating now and would have my one year anniversary in February but I am not ecstatic about it because I don't think I love or even like him. But I care about him because I have sympathy for all the nasty text messages I sent out about him to a friend of mine(which he later saw but forgive me and still won't get over it). He says I am his first love and would never love another woman if we separate. I do not like him really because he is not my type but I find it hard to leave him. I have a feeling that if I am with him I might get married to him which I don't want. I really do not go out cos I have a lot going on for me right now so the possibility of meeting a guy is out and I don't date online(its a rule and never works out for me). I have told my bf several times that all the guys i dated in the past knew i did not like them and he still insists why i do not like him and we are still dating but i evade the question all the time. I feel i am dating him for security which is wrong but I cant leave him because he knows everything about me and is like my comfort pillow. I can be single now but right now i need support and a partner. i share my stories with him. I cannot even kiss him. I feel bad and this would be my first ever one year relationship. its hard to leave him now for my own selfish reasons but I feel bad leading him on and he really loves me. Hes a great guy if i leave him would i ever meet a guy that takes my shit like him. The clock is ticking and if i leave him now, i dont know when i would meet another guy i am interested in and i plan to(if i decide t get married) date for at least 2 years before marriage. I might be too old by then. I dont want to be a wife at thirty. What do i do?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 This sucks. You don't like him, you don't love him, you can't even kiss him, and your text your friend nasty things about him. Obviously this man has no backbone, no dignity, no pride in himself, or he's just too much in love to realize he's dating a b****. Not to offend you, but you yourself would even admit to that.
You're just using him, and he's letting you. So I think you should stay with him, he's aware of what's going on and if being treated like garbage is his cup of tea then you know what... let him have it.
But if you some day decide you want to be a decent human being with some conscience, you will never treat another person this way again. And you will let him go. He is not for you, and you most certainly do NOT "need" him as your comfort pillow. Buy a pillow, or a cat, if that's what you need.
PS. I did just the same thing you do, actually I was worse, about 6 years ago. I regret it every day, and I apologized to him for it several years after we broke up. It still haunts me that I could sink so low, and I try every day to improve my ways and be a better person. I strongly advice you to look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is who you want to be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): [EDIT]:
"You'll learn the some things hard way."
[CORRECTION:
"You'll learn some things the hard way."
This is an important point; so it must be properly stated.
Sorry for the error.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): I read the other two answers and agree; but I'm considering another factor they didn't mention. Your age. You're only between 18 and 21, and your attitude and feelings are what you're supposed to feel at your age. Contrary to your comments, the last thing you'll ever do is marry someone you didn't love; or be rushed into it without bailing-out at the last minute. I do see you going as far as the alter; but running out of the chapel before vows are exchanged. You would be the classic "runaway-bride!" You probably won't even show-up!
You have not yet experienced what can be considered true-love; and sometimes you don't recognize it until you've had it awhile. The reasons you expressed why you're with your boyfriend are often the reason some women marry men. Security. Thinking you can't go wrong knowing HE loves YOU. The formula only works when it goes both ways. Marrying for money or security usually is unhappy in every other aspect. You'll miss the feeling of a fair and equitable exchange of feelings for each other. People NEED love. Nothing substitutes. We all learn in the end.
Here is one example. Arranged-marriages often work; because people get used to each other, learn more about each other, and end up unexpectedly loving each other in the end. Unfortunately, that is the hopeful outcome of a strange recipe. Arguably, it is common in such forced situations, people-end up hating each other, resentful, and unhappy every minute of it. Two totally incompatible people, put together based on the will and desires of anyone but their own. The love-factor should be there at the very beginning. Not something you pickup along the way; like when you find a huge bargain on a purse while out shopping for shoes. Nice coincidence, but shoes were your focus. Love should be your focus. No disrespect to the tradition, just making a point here.
You are still young, and inexperienced. You should still be dating a variety of types of men to learn who/how men are, and something about how we think. You are learning about life and with each man you bring into your life; you're learning more about choices, and what you want and can reasonably (and realistically) expect from men. I think maturity and experience will add more certainty to your feelings and how you interpret them. Just because you've lost your virginity doesn't mean you've lost your innocence. That is a fact people often misconstrue. We tie purity to innocence. The lack of life-experience and the benefit of knowledge through maturity, is still philosophically innocent.
You are dishonest to lead people on. That is a form of emotional-cruelty; no matter how you explain it or "rationalize" it. Just because you tell him you don't feel anything; you've stayed to allow him to continue growing and attaching his feelings to you. Then when you can't stand it anymore; you're going to hurt his feelings and break his heart, yet again. I couldn't think of anything more selfish and heartless.
It's not just about you, it is also about the people you bring into your life. Using and exploiting people will bring you bad karma. Life goes full-circle. What goes around, comes around. You have no past to compare your relationship to, because what you went through as a teenager is nothing compared to what adulthood is going to bring. You are almost silly to compare.
Women sometimes use a convoluted-logic that men have mistreated them in the past; so it doesn't matter how they treat men from that point on. Well, that line of thinking will bring you more misery and pain. You gain nothing positive through using and/or abusing people. You'll have one failure after another; because you have a twisted and illogical approach to love. You were once hurt by somebody; so no one matters but you? I will attribute that to youthful inexperience; and the typical self-entitled attitude people have nowadays. They bring on most of their own pain, but are the first to blame somebody else. Always the victim, never admitting to sometimes being the perpetrator of pain.
If you bring nothing to the table, you have no right to expect a huge helping over anyone else!
I think you have the right string, but the wrong yo-yo. You are very young and haven't been on the planet very long. You have given the young man a chance; and you are being considerate of his feelings. Only to a point. You realize how he has in some ways enriched your life. So you do see the benefit of being with someone who loves you; but you have yet to reciprocate what you receive. That is where you drop the ball.
This will end badly. Because you have based your relationship on the wrong foundation. Deception and convenience over love.
He knows you don't love him; but he loves you so much, he falsely believes he can survive on that alone. You stay home held-captive. Your resentment and restless spirit will overrule your self-sacrifice, self-imposed imprisonment, and martyrdom. You're going to unintentionally run into someone better suited for you. Your karma will come, when it becomes a burden to undo what you've created with the man you have. Then the other man would be better off to leave you alone; because you need more time to mature, learn more about yourself, and stop using how someone once hurt you as an excuse for hurting someone else. It should make you more sympathetic and empathetic knowing how it feels to be hurt. You'll learn the some things hard way. And once you do, you will reset your destiny. That is when real-love, true-love, will come your way. It's all part of the journey of life, and part of the growing process.
I hope my words have taught you something.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (25 January 2015):
I think this relationship is very one sided and is therefore not healthy. You can not get to point C without starting from A and going through B. Life does not end when you are married with kids, it keeps on going. Having a compatible partner with similar life goals is hence the most important aspect in reaching those goals and continuing a happy relationship.
If your behavior is dependent on someone else, then I also do not believe this is healthy. You are an adult and you should be able to handle your own issues.
The choice is really simple, either you stay with him and work it out or end this "relationship" and find someone that you like. No one deserves to be stringed around - not him and his attachment to you - not you to your pity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): Sounds like you have a problem. My ex husband and I remained married 1yr after our love left because of the comfort pillow you speak of. I laugh because that pillow is comforting and it handicaps. If you leave him will you be able to support yourself?
Briefly, considering your past relationships: Would you say it is a habit that you date guys for what they can offer you?
I can not answer whether marriage is for you. But it maybe for him. I think it is somewhat in consider to stay committed to someone that you and him don't share the same future plans. Consider making a detail compatibility list, give one to him, keep one for your self, and once you both complete it; ask yourself the question again:are you only with him for security
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