A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am feeling jealous, resentful and bitter that my boyfriend has so much money and I don't know how I can get past this issue. I'm not working and am on disability for lupus and kidney disease and I'm staying with him rent free.I get around $800/month from government disability and all my money goes towards organic food, supplements, and medication for my cat, and I still don't have enough to get all the food and supplements that I need. Just a couple thousand dollars or less could heal me or substantially improve my health - I could see a holistic doctor, get acupuncture and herbs, get my mercury fillings removed, be able to afford organic vegetable juicing which would help me tremendously. The western medication that I take now only covers symptoms; it is not helping me get better.He's got more than $200,000 US dollars saved up. He's very stingy and has done a good job saving money that he's worked hard for. It's his money and even though we plan on being together long term neither one of us considers it our money because he alone worked for it. We've been together for a year and a half now and can't legally get married because I'm better off with my medicaid to pay for doctor bills and medication in case he gets laid off. I've already accepted that he's not the type to buy flowers or a small gift here and there (which I do for him often and now have to stop because of how resentful I feel) or buy an anniversary present. Only when I cried when I thought my disability and medication was going to be cut and finally asked him if he would ever help me a little if I needed it did he say yes. It would have been nice if he had stepped in first and said he would help me. And when my cat was diagnosed with kidney disease and I was very upset and asked him if I could borrow money and pay him back monthly for treatment he said okay, don't worry about it. But the last time we talked about it he said how could I possibly pay him back when I have no money and why don't I just not pay utilities anymore (I'm pretty sure that I'll need more than that for my cat but am afraid to ask). In his defense, he is very nervous about money, always has been, and even more now with the economy being so bad. If he got fired or laid off from his job, he doesn't feel confident that he could find another job since he's in computers and it's so specialized. So he's been saving money for years and he doesn't have a retirement fund (he's 42) because he doesn't trust the stock market. He is not the type of person that you ask money from. Period.Still, I don't know how to not feel resentful when he's asking me where he should put his extra $20,000 because he can't insure that low of an amount; he's got $220,00 US dollars and is asking me this when I've got $20 left in my bank account and am waiting for my next check. He knows about holistic treatment, the effects that mercury fillings have on people with lupus, etc. but has never sat down and said "Look, I care about you and want you to get better, is there anything you need?" We love each other and say it all the time but I don't feel loved. Am I being a whiner having a pity party for myself because I feel "my man" should want to help me? Should I just ask him not to mention money anymore? Is he a horribly selfish person or do I just have unrealistic expectations and I should stop being upset about it?
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female
reader, karenelam  +, writes (26 February 2010):
 dump him, honestly why would you want to be with a guy like that?!, how are you going to raise children? I hate cheapos
A
female
reader, MissWendlemoot  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 I think he is being horribly selfish. If you are living together, I'm sure he is getting benefits from you living there. I don't get the he is letting you stay there for free attitude. You and he are supposed to be partners not roomies.
I can think of several friends and even my boss would loan me $2000 if I really needed it and I wouldn't even have to sleep with them. ;)
He's sitting on 6 figures and won't help you with something that could really improve your quality of life.
Where did you live before you lived with him?
Are you able to work at all like a desk job?
Best wishes honey and I hope you start feeling better soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Rethink your boyfriend. I got rid of a husband because of issues over my dogs. Anybody who would let a cat suffer from lack of money when he has it in abundance is not worth bothering with. I now have the perfect husband who values nonhuman animals as much as I do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Thanks, everyone. I've gotten some better perspective about his side of the situation. It is true that to me it seems like he's loaded but to him it doesn't feel like he has much. (To the poster who asked - I meant give or take $2000, one time - not each month!) It still bothers me, though - the lack of generosity he has towards me or anyone else whether it's money, time or energy. That's a major character flaw to me and if I want to be with him I'm going to have to accept and forgive as one poster said. Heck, I'm not perfect either. Thank you again everyone for your advice, it really helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): give him a break he's giving you free housing ! and he's worked hard for that money and would be understandably protective if you've only been together 18mnths then i really don't think he's being harsh not sharing all his life times savings with you. Do you need a juicer ?! really and i'm sorry but i believe in western medicine so i doubt all those suplements help. i think you are being harsh on him expecting him to do more. sorry but thats just how i see it
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Hi,
i do understand your position and I have always been one to believe that whatever I have is shared with the person I love. But unfortunately in this day and age people simply do not act like this. They protect their assets, a sign of the times I'm afraid. I really don't understand it myself as if you arent prepared to share everything with the love of your life what is the point of living? but that is just me.
If you are saying that 2,000 would change your life, then I dont think that is too much to ask really. Or do you mean 2,000 a month?
In his defence he is providing a roof over your head so that is something that you would have to do yourself if he wasnt with you.
And money does weird things to people, my sister who is now a millionaire is as tight as they come , but when she was broke she was the most generous person in the world. Money changes people, the more you get the meaner you get - well that's my theory.
I dare say if he is a worrier there is little you can do to get him to change his ways, who knows though.
good luck anyway
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2008): Your in a better position than most. I know it's hard when your sick and need money to get well. I've been in that position myself. But if he dosen't charge you rent then he is trying to help you out. Imagine if you had to pay the rent yourself. I need yoga classes to help with my illness. My mother and father have money, but they believe that you should learn to stand on your own two feet and so do I. I lost a lot of friends, because I couldn't afford to go out. I need medication but sometimes I go without it because I can't afford it and then I get very sick. That's life for me I'm afraid, that's how things go.
The money he's saved up dosen't sound like spending money. It sounds like he's saving it for illness, old age and emergencies instead. What happens if he looses his job, what happens if he gets sick. He needs to keep this money just in case things go wrong. He's doing this for you, one of you needs to have money to keep a roof over your heads. I also could do with organic food, some vitimans and stuff that really would make me better, but I can't afford it so I do without. Sometimes even food becomes optional if I have important bills to pay. I'm glad if anyone remembers to help me with anything. Last week my cousin and my best friend gave me some money. I was so shocked because I know that they have more money problems than me. It wasn't the money, it was the kindness I liked the most. Probably that's what your feeling.
I just looked up your condition, I understand now that this thing is very bad. He tells you he loves you. He told you not to worry about the bills if you need to look after the cat. Talk to him, make a list and ask him for what you need. It definately is not right for you to feel resentfull and scared to tell him what you feel. Work out how much you realistically need to help your condition and ask him to give you this money out of his fund. You don't need no vegetable juicer, you'll have to use a sieve or your hands. Think of what is a necessity and ask him if he will help.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Hi, You do have a bad situation, but not terribly bad regarding your boyfriend. It depends on your perspective. First he is giving you shelter for free, that would be cost to you, if you were not with him, so whatever the cost of a one bedroom apartment, would be, is your income from him a year. Also am I wrong, does he not share some of your food expense by buying groceries? That's more money in kind, so to speak. That's quite a bit. He is not sharing his cash with you per se, but in essence he is, as he is paying the rent? He is concerned, that the money he has, might not be enough, if he loses his job. A lot of people are like that, he may a bit more parinoid about it, but it's understandable. Maybe, to improve your finances, you could do something from home on the telephone, we have something called Purple Heart, where you solicit donations for veterans, and you get paid per donation, evey two weeks. Not a lot but it gives you extra money. Search the internet or your phone book, as you are in the states. You need to have a telephone plan that gives you free calling from wherever, Verizon has a plan called Freedom. You have to stop looking at his money as something that you should share. He is, I think sharing what his character allows him to. This is who he is. If you love him, you have to try to forgive him, what you think is a fault. Quite a few men cannot deal wirh a woman being sick, many men have left women who developed breast cancer, for instance. Count your blessings, if you can, and be thankful for what he is doing, and not be scornful of what he is not. You should try to understand, if you can that he does not owe you anything. But he is sharing with you. I hope that helps a bit. On another subject I have a friend who has Parkinson's Disease, and I introduced him to something called Juice Plus, it is dehydrated fruits and vegetables only, no medicine, in capsule form. He has been taking it and he is improving, his symthoms are going away. You know when they say eat 5 fruit servings a day, it works. Go to this web site if you would and read about the product, I think it can help you, in fact I know it can, it builds your immune system. Women with rheumotoid arthritis are taking it and their fingers have the flexibility returning. The site is: www.juiceplus.com/+lm02449. If you are interested in obtaining the product. Let me know through a return message on this site, I hope that is alright with the site managers. This is, after all your health. Please check out the site. Take care. Stop worrrying about your boyfriends money, he is doing sort of well by you. But he is looking out for himself and he is scared of the future. I have a sister who is the same way, she is well worth some $300,000 and is paranoid about losing her money. It's sort of every man and woman for themselves. :o). Take it easy. Stay in touch. To read something that may help you, go to
www.healthmad.com/Less-Stress-More-Strength.48540 You can also leave me a message there, if you wish.
If you stress yourself out, worrying about stuff, you will make yourself sicker. Be good to yourself.
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