A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am writing about my 34 year old brother who I am deeply concerned about. He has never had a girlfriend, the most he has ever done is kissed one girl in a spin the bottle game. He is a hopeless romantic, has a good job as a pharmacist for over 10 years, yet gets very stressed about this and consequently cannot sleep at night. He has had 2 panic attacks recently and is turning into a continuous downward spiral every year. Now in his desperation he has turned to the internet to try to meet people and find someone special, yet even this has failed to work in the last 7 years since he started with the dating agencies.He is good-looking, unfortunately this is hidden away in multi-coloured mismatching clothes constant with a baseball cap. He is about 5ft 11, chinese, of normal weight, and extremely kind-hearted. I believe what lets him down is his failure to make normal conversation, nervousness, extreme low self-esteem, lack of confidence, his dress sense. He is very shy. He's not the person to go out to nightclubs, he rarely drinks, and his only real hobby is badminton. Therefore, there isn't really anywhere he can get out in the evenings, he's always too tired anyway yet suffers from insomnia due from excessive worrying and depression.Unfortunately, he no longer listens to me or our parents, who have tried to match him with girls for many years with no success. If we arrange for a female guest to meet him, he gets nervous and makes inappropriate jokes. He also claims that they do not match his compatible star sign.I just don't know what to do any more. I'm watching him spiral into despair but there's nothing I can do to help him. I just wish there was someone who could help that he would listen to. We've tried our best, and I know my brother deserves better, but I just don't know what else I can do. If there's any help you can give me, I'd really appreciate it.Best regards,Sue
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male
reader, The Gentle Man +, writes (28 December 2008):
 Im going to draw on experience here and let you in on whats going on.
First things first.
Setting him up with women is like giving a 5yr old the keys to a car and saying drive, they wouldnt know what to do.
Every year is like being punched down a notch. As you get older it gets harder to pickup the skills you should have picked up as a youngster. Eventually you just give up and accept that its a part of your life that will always be empty.
To help him you need to be tougher. It will be hard but im afraid that it will take persistance and determination.
First things first. Get him out the house and go out to public places. This will desensitise him to being around lots of people.
You will want to sit down and get his fashion sense tuned. Explain what should go with what show examples on TV or a magazine then play a game. The game can be empty all of his clothes onto his bed and tell him to get changed for an occasion (you specify, avoid dating). Then tell him if its good or if he should change something.
Now you should roleplay to build up rapport. Ask him things that a women would ask and listen to his replies. Then basically you are just advising on things to say, not to say and how to say things (e.g. include humor in some things).This would also be a good time to start thinking about mannerisms. Does he fidget or seem uneasy ? you should help him address these things.
Next is to put his new dress sense and conversational skills into practice. Meet up with a couple of your friends and bring him along. Include him in conversations and dont get lost in your own conversation. After doing this a few times hopefully he will be able to engage in conversation without seeming nervous etc
Next you want to go out with a couple of really good looking women and let your brother meet them. And basically just get im to hold conversation and no pressure to make a move. This will make him comfortable around good looking women and perhaps begin to increase his confidence.
Another thing you might want to try is get a couple of your girlfriends to help you. Go to your brothers and take them with you then get them to grill him. It wont be the most pleasant experience but the more information they draw the more they can advise him.
The biggest challenge will be explaining flirting and all that goes with it. Im afraid that I cant advise anything because im pretty useless that this area myself.
Obviously this is a very rough guide. The real trick is not to push him all the way. Take small steps working on all areas from the start to finish. Start would be dress sense, to conversation to talking with women and the finish is him being confident and actively trying.
Hopefully you can make some use of my scribbles above.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2008): If he won't listen to you or your parents, there's not much you can do. The internet isn't such a bad place to find a person, as long as he knows what he is looking for. As far as his fashion sense (or lack of) You can give him clothes as presents (birthdays, Christmas, etc) Give him some advice in that area, if he will listen. He's gotta lose the baseball cap, though. That's okay for hanging out on a lazy weekend, but I shudder to think of a guy his age showing up for a date wearing it! I admire your concern for your brother...but as I said, there is little you can do, it he won't listen.
As for the panic attacks, there are medications to control them...I know, I take them. And I'm sure he knows since he is a pharmacist. Encourage him to see his doctor. Medication may help in other areas as well.
Good Luck!
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