A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, not really a romantic relationship problems but a family relationship problem. I'm a 19 year old woman who has just moved out to the big city and got her own flat for the first time. I'm a first year university student.Before that I was living with my mum who lives with my step dad down in South East england. My parents are seperated and my Dad lives up in Scotland. They seperated when I was 13 and then I used to visit alternative weekends, spending one with my dad, and the next with my mum. My dad and I have always been close, and perhaps unfairly I always saw him as the victim in the divorce. But as I've got older, particuarly since moving out and starting my own life, I've begun to see it that it was infact my Mum who was the victim from my dads years of being an alcoholic as well as the way he spoke to her. I dont have very good memories of growing up when they were together and tbh when they seperated it was better for me becuase I got to grow up more peacefully. When I was 16, my mum and I moved down to England to move in with my step dad. That was fine and I still visited my dad in Scotland when I could. But due to other factors such as me growing up and having my own life, being tight for money - I'm also a full time student, the vists became less and less frequent. They also always had to be on his terms, only on certain weekends, blah blah blah and soon I was only really visiting 3/4 times a year. We kept in touch via phone but we grew apart and I grew closer to my mum. My mum and I are really close now. My dad used to always phone and slag off my mum down the phone and that pushed me away from him as well as I started to feel like she had moved on with her life, got a new husband, and he had just stayed bitter and blamed everything on her. He literally cant go a phonecall without blaming something on her.Now that I'm out living on my own, and at uni, money and time is even tighter. I can't just afford to go up to Scotland to see my dad all the time. I've always phoned him on his birthday and on fathers day, as well as every other day!, just to say hi. Sometimes I've been too skint to afford the postage and packaging of sending heavy presents so have had to take them up at my next visit. But that's not my fault, right? This week it was my Dads birthday and I've been really tight on money. I've also just lost my Gran and my Grandad one after the other within the space of a month which has really effected me. I ended up suffering from insomnia and was having trouble grieving and spent a whole week not going to classes, I just sat in my flat and cried. I'm feeling a lot better now but my Dad knew I was having a hard time recently. Whether it was the money or whether it was because I just haven't felt like going out, I didnt manage to get him a gift or a card. I phone him every day and then I phoned him on his birthday to say happy birthday and he just got really angry at me. He said I never bother with him and that he always remembered my birthdays. Im so upset and angry. I always do bother about him, I phone him every day to see how he is, and although I cant afford to send him presents sometimes, I always get the presents to him eventually. And this is the first time I haven't sent a card. I am so shocked he has reaccted this way - he knows I'm tight for cash and he knows I've got a lot on my plate right now. Lately he's also been commenting on my weight. Admitedly, I've gained a bit of weight lately and he's been going on about it saying I need ot slim down again to a size 8. I've only gone up to a size 10! I dont have a problem with my weight, neither do my friends, the guy Im seeing or my mum or stepdad. Im a healthy weight and I'm happy. But my dad does. What worries me is my Mum always said to me that one day I would see she was the victim in the marriage, not my dad and that I would start to see what it was like. Well, she's right. I am starting to see it and Im starting to really wonder if I want my Dad in my life anymore. The ironic thing in all of this is, I really do make an effort with my dad. But he never does with me. He has NEVER once come to visit me in London - I'd really like him to see my new flat but he just won't. I know its not much, but Id like him to be proud of how well Im doing and that I'm at university. When I have exams at university, he never phones to see how I did. He forgets. And when we do talk on the phone, and I mention a friends name, he will never remember who it is, other than my best friend Ally who he refers to as "the moose", which is hurtful because she is like a sister to me - he literally takes no interest in my life. I don't know what to do. I'm really upset and angry at my dad and would like some other people's opinions. I feel like all these years my Mum has been right and I'm finally starting to see the side to my Dad she always warned me about. I love him, but he is a really negative person and I don't need people like that in my life. I can't go to my mum about this because shes still grieving for the death of her mum and dad (my gran and grandad) and I don't want to stress her out more. She doesnt need it right now. I'm close to my stepdad, and he always says I can go to him with problems, so maybe him but I'm not sure. :( Help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2008): because he never care about me he never loved me and my mum he always fight with my mum .den we got separate from my dad .he was liveing in scotland and i and my mum lived in england.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): Sounds like your dad is still hurting. Did mum leave him for your step dad? Your mother moved as far away as she could with out leaving the country and took you with her. It sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other to me. I wouldn't ditch your dad, it could be the final nail in the coffin for him.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2008): I can't add very much to what's already been eloquently said. My daughter and I live 300 miles apart. If I get a birthday card from my her I consider it a bonus. I can't remember the last time I had a present from her. I speak to her on the phone on average about once a month. Anyone would think we don't get on together, but nothing could be further from the truth. I know her finances are tight. I don't expect anything from her but I certainly don't hold it against her, or worse still have a go at her about it. I love to hear her voice, I know she thinks about me as much as I think about her. I think your dad has a lot to learn about being a loving father - but by the sound of it, it's too late.
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A
female
reader, Teacake  +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Your description sounds like it fits the Scottish fellow I've been involved with! Everything is everyone elses problems, criticizes and complains all the time, alcoholic, everything is about him, negative outlook, etc...
What you need to understand is it is a parents obligation to cater to their children's needs, emotional and material, and not the other way around! He is obviously afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder. You did sounds just like my guy! And narcissists have a way of killing your spirit, your soul and leave you dead inside.
Just understand that he has serious serious problems and there is nothing anyone can do that pleases then and they never think to please anyone but themselves because no one else matters except themself. Nothing is ever good enough for them and not only will you never know exactly what you have done to piss them off so much, even though its been nothing, they will hold a grudge for ever. Very bitter view of life.
Read up on narcissism and you will see your father in this. All a person can do to protect themselves from the abuse they dish out is to avoid them as much as possible and realize they have a serious personality disorder.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (29 November 2008):
 Hi Hunny
I'm adopted and I see my biological father once or twice every two months as we don't live in the same place either..When I first met him I was working and earning a very good wage and often if not all the time spent lots of money on him and my family I always went to see them...Over the years he to has been so unkind to the point of lying and just been down right cruel.
This may be your da hunny but he is one very selfish man, I no how difficult it is to realise your own father is a selfish prat!!!!But I'm sorry don't mean to hurt you, you have been through so much over the years and not once in you post did you mention him coming to see you.
I think you have to now realise that he is self centred and you need to get on with your life and not worry about him so much let him phone or let him come visit don't go getting yourself all upset because you can probably see from the things he has said to you what your mum went through with him now. Plus a parent who runs down the other parent to a child is very bitter and acting like a child not a grown up sweetheart.. I've had lots of nasty stuff with my dad and when he comes here its only for cheap tobacco and booze and he sees me for about an hr. in fact he try's to make me feel guilty if I'm working and he is over and I cant get to him before my job is finished. I get the "Oh don't worry about me, just though Id let you know I was here you carry on doing what you have to, Obviously this is more important to you" I get all upset when he comes and in a right state but I don't want to upset the rest of my family..My brother feels the same...Don't feel bad hunny, Plus there is nothing wrong with your weight or size, This man needs help love and I can see why your mum split up with him..TAKE CARE OF YOU LOVE LOOK AFTER YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDYXXXXXXXXXXXX
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