A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Anyone have any advice for someone in late 20’s. I have studied to high level, but don’t have job anymore. It’s been half a year, and I simply cannot afford anything. Friends kindly ask why I don’t have work yet,l. I guess that’s their way of helping by asking. Some friends have taken step back, one close one is being so blunt with me, probably annoyed I haven’t made much effort but it’s embarrassing because I don’t have money to even get out the house. We met up for Xmas two days ago, and everyone was asked to put some money in, and I used my last bit of change. Of course no one else fault, but I jus realised I don’t have anything else left. I moved back in with parents, and I can eat at home for free. I used to be full of fire, now I jus feel like I’ve grown up and I jus want to be normal. Have a job, my own place and a Mrs. My can see disappointment in my parents face but they don’t say it. It all started when I lost my job due to luck. It wasn’t my fault. I find myself in my room most of time, and I have to motivate myself with exciting new stuff. It keeps me happy for few hours and I’m back to miserable thoughts. My mother offered money to buy some Xmas stuff, I bought socks and those socks made me cry so much when I got home. My life is got so bad my mum has to buy socks for me. That made me cry for an hour. It’s a new feature I picked up: crying. I never done it in my 27 years of life until now.I am in tears now, whilst writing. Yes I know pathetic from a man. When a friend or family tells me something they are unsure about I : 1) encourage 2) motivate 3) tell them they can do it. These days I have to back myself up with everything telling me how wrong I am. I wish someone would tell me that who knows me that it will be okay. I guess what hurts the most is when your own mother who used to think I was doing well , but now sees the disappointment although she hides it. I wish I had the money to live alone again, I wouldn’t bother picking up and phone or open the door for criticism. Because I 100% know no one will come to me with help or solution or even positivity. That’s what I mean by given up hope. For first time in my life I am actively looking for poor people, perhaps someone I can help to make me feel better. Some stranger who I can make smile because the friends I know it doesn’t seem to be working.
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female
reader, Lostandfound2018 +, writes (28 December 2018):
I understand where you are coming from, but you need to take action. After graduating college, I felt super unproductive, I couldn't find a job in my field. Instead of giving up, I applied for a min wage job. That changed everything, even though I wasn't making all that much. During that time I earned some other qualifications and after almost 2 years, I got a higher paying job in my field. Start small, this will raise your self esteem. This will also give you a little spending money.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): N91: thanks for responding again. I have been applying for jobs, I have had a few rejections, but it’s the negative words from who I thought were friends which upset me.
Money and life is not without friends. So whilst I have no job and money my friendships suffer! It’s a reality check that hurt.
Now I am mentally stable again, I don’t know how but I feel over it. Since I have been working on multiple projects at home, working for takeaway in evening and applying for full time positions.
I had a weird encounter that woke me up to reality:
I have a friend I studied with, very close, was more intelligent and always told me his degree in finance is more important than what others study. It didn’t bother me. I found a job in banking, he worked in retail. He would walk past me ignoring me, where I would be so surprised that he acts like he does not know me. It’s been a few years I gave up.
The same guy saw me at the takeaway, and guess who stopped by to talk with a big smile! Came in and told me his a banker now, and was very interested in my life, which he could see was not going well.
It just made me think that people are quite spiteful, and jealous. I’m not that kind of person so I don’t see it coming.
It made me smile, yes he is doing well, but it doesn’t make me jealous, because I would hate to have a black heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): I know how you feel, as Ive been there too. So have many of us, actually. Losing the job and Income means losing your life as you know it. Also, many friends are only shallow friends, and you lose them too when you lose your money and wealth. You experienced this with your critical friends who dont actually offer support, and who only want to hang out with you if you spend money to do so. A simple phone call should have been enough for a true friend, or a home visit.
I dont think your parents are dissapointed. Actually, I think that look on their face is concern, because they see you're not doing well and that you are sad.
When I find myself without hope, and in a terrible situation like you are in, I do this: I think of what would help me. Really help, not what others expcect of me, or what society wants from me. But what I want for me, and what I believe is best for me. Then I try to think of how I can achieve this, and what obstacles I will meet. Some times there are sacrifices. If so, I ask myself if it is worth the sacrifice. Usually it is. In cases where it is not worth it (such as crime not being worth the sacrifice of jail time and a record), I dismiss that idea and try to think of another one.
If it's buying a house, or renting a place of my own, I would then move to the next step: how to achieve that. Yes, a job. But only a job that pays enough. So I will look into how much money I need, and if it's too costly in the area Im in, I will look in another area. Maybe you will have to move, and the sacrifice is that you will be alone in a New city.
Then once I have calculated the sacrifices and the amount of money needed, I will know more precicely what job to look for. Maybe a part time job will be enough. At least now that you live with your parents, a part time job will be enough to get some pocket money and be able to leave the house.
Im extremely independent and I absolutely hate asking for help or needed others to help me out. But there is strenght in asking for help. So ask! Ask your parents if they know someone who is hiring. Print a CV and ask former coworkers if they would pass it on to someone they know how might be hiring. You might not get any results, but then again you might.
And do concider moving somewhere else. Nothing is permanent. If you hate it, you can always og back. Your parents seems wonderful, offering you a place to stay and food to eat. So you have them as a safety net, which means you can take higher risks in job exploration. You also have no kids, which again means you're FREE to move.
Look at all the advantages you have. Write them up.
And my last piece of advice is more like a statement of the truth: nothing lasts forever. No matter how stagnated you feel, there is the element of time. Time passes. And that's a good thing, because it means that although you see no hope here and now, it doesn't mean something wont come your way in the future. Whether you actively seek it out or not, your life is always changing. So just stay for the ride and see where you end up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): Try and take each day as it comes, you will have ups and downs in life if you didn't you would never learn from experiences.
My boyfriend had been unemployed a year when we met, he was down and couldn't see the wood from the trees applying and not getting anywhere with jobs. He got happier, more confident and i encouraged him with job hunting and building up his confidence and he got a job six months later.
You just don't know what is around the corner, so take care of yourself, eat healthy, exercise, meet up with friends and take the new year as a new opportunity to resolve to make things better for yourself, you do sound a little bit depressed hence the lack of lustre.
And why not look at other jobs and not just in the area you are qualified in, possibly do something a little less qualified because once you are in a job it is always easier to get another. You are not alone, many people struggle to get a job and many more lose them due to many reasons that are not their own fault.
All the best, i wish you well
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (26 December 2018):
 You never answered my question about why you haven’t been applying for jobs. The main point you took away from my answer was that I misread how long you had been without work? Who cares what jealous people thought about you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2018): Thank you for all the replies. Itdoes give me hope. I have already studied post grad. I have lived half the dream with jobs and money , it jus came to an end too quickly. Thanks for the words I will keep going.
I don’t know why I feel I have less push than I had say few weeks or months ago. I have never felt this defeated. I want my old fire and ambition back, where has it gone? I used to never give up!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2018): I’m 25 and studied engineering in a city that with a struggling economy. Because of that, many of my fellow graduates are out of work and feeling the same struggle as you are.
I looked for work after graduating and when I couldn’t find anything, I decided to go for a master’s degree. Now I get a stipend. It’s not much but I live alone and I scrape by. I’m hoping my job prospects will be better after I graduate. I’m not sure if something like that would help your situation but maybe it’s an option..
Also (I’m not sure if this is relevant in your case), getting a job with a competitive employer without experience can be pretty tough. An easier road could be finding a less competitive job and then looking for something better in a few years with a stronger CV.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2018): You are definitely depressed. I was you very, very recently. I let a man, of all problems, to destroy me and im living with my mom and my family has to pay for me.Ive been so embarrassed! Everything you now do must be with intent and purpose. There will never be the right time so dont wait for that day to come. You will get through this ONLY if you choose to act. You will drag yourself through but please leave the house. It will only get harder as time progresses. Im 35 too. A lot harder to excuse living at home. Theres shame n guilt involved but we all mess up. Get an entry level job in your field! I used to earn 2K dollars a week. Im making 800 now but at least i can treat myself. I also was humbled. Now next time i face problems, i wont crash n burn into a depression like this. Its a hard, nasty pill to swallow but i promise you, the hardest part is NOW!!! Act with intent and purpose!! Depression makes us not care about self care but also imagine how your mum feels to see her baby in this pain. If not for you, do it for her. Please care for yourself. Now is the time to pick up your sword and do battle
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2018): Christmas sad and lonely time for many, but a new year! this NEW year!!!this is the time! you are young ,Life can and will be an adventure when you loose those negative mind sets and keeps you stuck at the moment with low self esteem. The dream, YOUR DREAM is out there somewhere, have you even dreamt it yet? do you chase it? map maker of your FUTURE, go into the dream space, and find your TRUE SELF the man you do not know yet. Not always found in 9 to 5 jobs, it's the unknown, build a new dream and belief in your true self.
Merry Christmas, please don't be sad )
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2018): I see the UK flag with your post. I was always under the impression that UK is a welfare state and out of work people can claim some sort of unemployment benefits and help to find work vacancies. Have you tried those venues? TBH I think your problem is you have lost confidance in your self and your abilities and given up, which is common when you are unable to find employment. My advice same as the aunts and uncles here is you have to intensify your efforts to find work even if it is a low paid or under your qualifications. Here in my country the daily newspapers are full of ads.for employments, if it is the same in the UK then I suggest daily newspapers search because usually those ads are serious and fresh and can really give results if you presevere. Good luck. Keep your chin up and challange yourself that you must and you can sooner or later find work.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 December 2018):
 I'm sorry you have come to this point in life, but most of us have been there done that. The ONLY one who can dig out out of this hole, IS YOU.
That means ACTIVELY seek jobs EVERY day. Even settle for one that isn't what you studied for. Sometimes we have to get a job that we are overqualified for, FOR a short term. For you to get back on your OWN two feet. Because WHILE you get a job (any job more or less) you can look for a job that is suited for your education, while STILL having an income.
I don't think your mom is disappointed with you per say, she just knows you CAN do better, and she feels helpless in getting you back on track.
Wishing you have money again is NOT going to fix anything. Getting a JOB so you HAVE money again will.
Don't give up, write applications and send them out EVERY day. Find a "hold over" job and get cracking in saving up. And perhaps help out your parents with some of the cost of YOUR living once you DO have a job.
YOU can do this. Chin up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2018): Make response N91: story of my life, people giving me advice without reading properly. I said half a year. It’s purely luck. I had the high profile jobs, I had the money the success and awards. When I had all that people around me hated the success. Now I finally lost it, I am happy to agree with them. Nothing special here. Now I see why adults always seem average later on in life. Because they all give up.
Yeah let’s go for a walk, get fresh air, look at happy people, shopping, rushing laughing happy. I don’t see them being criticised when they are happy.
I prefer walking in the dark, I found this place no one can find me for hours, it makes me feel better. At the moment that is my comfort.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 December 2018):
The question is though, WHY do you not have a job yet? Surely in a year and a half you could of found suitable employment? I really don’t believe there isn’t a job that you could be working in right now, you say you want one but do you really? I’ve never had longer than 2 months in between jobs because I was out searching for one until I landed one so what are you doing in your spare time?
Drop the pity party, your life is what YOU make it! Your life won’t improve until YOU do something about it. Get off your backside and start looking for a job, when you have money you can get back to an active social life. Until then you’ll be sat stewing with your negative thoughts.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (24 December 2018):
The great thing about life is that you have a ..Choice...Remembering that every day can be a Fresh start for you.Right now the good things that you have going for you.[1]You are lucky to have a high level of education.[2] You are living at home.[3] You have a mother that loves you.So that is a Positive start for anyone.Would you consider going to a counsellor and having and indept chat,about your life as it is now....it is good to chat and hopefully get some help.Not having money is difficult,but is does not take money to go for a walk...get some fresh air.Keep looking for jobs.But the main thing is that you Never give up...keep going..and you will get there.In other words..Be Positive...One must always help themselves first..and if you get help from other contacts that is a Bonus.Best regards NORA B.
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