A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mum and her best friend from school had a child in the same year (me and my best friend) so we was always together and obviously over the years became best friends we went to same schools did everything together blah blah.. Im getting married this year and we always said when we was younger we would always be each others ‘maid of honour’ so when i became engaged i obviously didn’t have to ask her she said ‘ahhh I’m your maid of honour’ not congratulations or nothing (its the way she is)Growing up she always had to have what i had and she’s the type where she has done an got better but i just grew up accepting that’s just the way she is and got over it as this is what her parents are like. Over the last year we kind of haven’t hung out as much i don’t know why but it just kind of stopped but this was on her end, id message her arrange for catch ups, cinema, etc even just for her to pop over mine or me to hers for cuppa (which costs nothing) but her excuse was always ‘I’m skint i can’t sorry’ or ‘I’ll let you know’ which then actually don’t let me know. One time i invited her over for Sunday lunch with her boyfriend and a few days later i realised it was father’s day so i messaged her saying i totally understand if you’re busy seeing your dad we can do another time and she said she was seeing her dad which is fair enough but that Sunday came and in the evening of that Sunday she put all over facebook her ‘outing’ with one of her friends i was fuming, not because she was out with her other friend but because she basically lied to me. If she didn’t want to come over why didn’t she just say i don’t want to we’re supposed to be best friends? (of 26 years) i let this slide... Another time i asked if she wanted to meet up go cinema or lunch she said she couldn’t because .. Wait for it ... ‘she’s skint’ so i said okay. Then that weekend she went away for the weekend umm i thought she was skint? So now i was fuming so me being me messaged her telling her straight telling her I’m always the one messaging her and not getting any effort back and I’m fed up of trying with her all the time she should want to hang out with her best friend. I’m organizing my hen because she haven’t bothered to offer to do it even though she has been told its the maid of honours job to do so but she obviously doesn’t care. I’m coming up with options to di and her reply is always ‘well how much is that going to cost’ I’m fed up of trying to please her it’s my hen! When we meet up it just isn’t the same anymore it’s like the conversation is forced and it’s uncomfortable! I looked on my messages i was the last one to message her i always have to message her and i thought I’m not going to bother no more see how long it takes for her to message me. It’s been 3 weeks 4 days and still no message from her. I live in Wales and my other best friend lives in England i see her like 3 times a year and when we meet back up the conversation is great it’s like i was with her yesterday my mum says this is what you call a real friendship (she is my bridesmaid) i just wish she was my maid of honour instead an i can’t go to my other friend i don’t want you to be my maid of honour anymore can i?? I just feel she hasn’t really been a ‘friend’ the last year... Or am i just being selfish!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2016):
 Well, while I don't think it should have been done over message/text - I think you handled it well. She on the other hand didn't.
And you know what? Your problem is solved!~ You can now pick someone who actually WANTS to do the HONOR of being a MOH.
The whole, *whine* I have never been a MOH before ya-da-ya-da is a piss poor excuse. Most women are usually MoH once or twice. What person does... IS call the BRIDE's mother and ask what needs done. (if the bride's mother is part of the planning, OR she SIMPLY google "what are my duties as a MoH and sit down with the bride and talk through what the BRIDE thinks and wants) IT's not rocket science. It's a wedding!
I wouldn't write her any more messages. Let her stew on it. If she IS a decent person she will apologize for acting like a spoiled brat, if she is not.. well - good riddance.
Don't worry about it any more, find someone you REALLY want as a MoH and LET her know what you EXPECT of her, she if she has the time and energy etc.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): Un fortunately , it seems like best friend is not there for you . You can not have someone like this as a maid of honor.
Tell her that it seems like she has money problem, and lack of time,mans can't do a job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay so i feel like i should give you an update – we work different shifts so phoning was no point i messaged her! I messaged her saying..Hi (name) i noticed you saw my group message about my hen and by you not replying confirmed it all so i need to ask you something as it’s something i have been thinking about for a while now. Do you even want to be my MOH? Being a MOH is something you should feel privileged and honoured about and i get the feeling that you don’t. I have my wedding to organise and my own hen it is stressful and you being my MOH should have at least offered to organise it or even offered to help me but you haven’t you haven’t offered to do anything. You don’t bother with me anymore we haven’t even spoken in ages. When we meet up it isn’t the same anymore its awkward and the conversation feels forced, this is how i feel anyway. If you don’t want to be my MOH/bridesmaid i totally understand and your more than welcome to come as a normal guest if that suits you better. Don’t take this the wrong way it is something i needed to get off my chest and be honest with you. (and then i put a sad face) The next morning i woke up to 2 messages from her Message 1 - Look i have never been a MOH before so i don’t know what to do. Yeah ill just come as a normal guest. 1 hour later...Messaged 2 – actually to be honest i don’t think i even want to be a normal guest either, i feel the same and it just isn’t the same anymore when we meet upSo i replied – okay if that is how you feel that’s fine it’s your decision but i will need to know as i have allot to organise Her reply was – look i made the decision and i don’t want to come What the.... i thought I’m not even going to her level if she wants to act like a spoilt brat then she can i don’t need someone like that in my life so I’m glad i messaged her and got it over and done with. What a selfish women. I feel like my message wasn’t nasty in any way and it was quite reasonable and for her my so called ‘best friend’ of 25 years to act like that was disgusting. I don’t want a friend like that i have put up with her crap for far too long!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 January 2016):
 I normally agree with Honeypie and do this time as well, but I found the perfect "out" right in your post itself, so I found an alternate and really good solution for you!!
I had to look up the word "skint" as it's not a word we "Yankees" normally use here in the US. And as you know, being a Maid of Honor takes money for the dress, the "hen" (which is the bachelorette party here)
Your first MOH has been complaining about money the whole time to the point of ditching you constantly (while miraculously finding money to hang out with other people), complaining about money when it comes time to organize your hen, and abandoning her responsibilities outright.
So call her (Like HOneypie, I agree DO NOT TEXT HER) and tell her that you're letting her off the hook when it comes to being MOH, because you feel for her money situation, and you need someone who doesn't have that concern to be arm-in-arm with you on all aspects of planning and time-spending. Tell her that you're "releasing her" from her maid-of-honor obligation and having someone else take over who isn't so cash-constrained. You don't want your friendship to strain because you're bleeding your friend dry financially, right? ;)
If your longtime "best friend" gets upset, then very patiently spell out the times she ditched you in saying she was "skint", but then posting that she was hanging with other people. Bring up her complaining about money when it came time to organize your hen. Bring up you doing everything yourself when you need a maid of honor who helps you and doesn't flake on you.
She'll either apologize profusely, or she wasn't your friend to begin with. Based on the outcome of this conversation with her, you'll either have a best friend and a renewed friendship OR you'll then be free to ask the other bridesmaid to take over. Either way, problem solved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2016): I had a best friend of 14yrs since school, college, uni, first jobs all of that growing up- suddenly he started being a douche to me, messing me around, becoming tight with money but not with others (new croud), and conversation was forced and we weren't having fun anymore.I knew it sucked but I felt obligated to keep trying. I thought as we'd been friends so long we always would be. But really I had a think and thought when's the last time we were like the good old days? and it was over a year ago! turns out things change and you do grow apart from people. I had a go at him about his douchey behaviour and he 'friend dumped' me- we never spoke again. People do come and go out of your life and now if I wasn't enjoying someones company or they weren't being a good friend I would tell them and if I was you I would not have this 'friend' as my maid of honor and if she didn't like it so be it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 January 2016):
YOU (as the bride) gets to decide who your MOH is. You don't OWE her that "jib" if you have another friend whom you like better, is closer with and KNOW you can rely on for the MOH work (and there is a lot of work involved being a MOH) then PICK someone else. She might think she is entitled but that doesn't mean she REALLY is.
What you can do is call up the girl who IS your MOH (because you didn't tell her she wasn't) and ask her if she really want to do the job as a MoH. And that you feel like she doesn't really want to do the job (arranging hen night would be one job) that way you can give her an out. If she protest, then tell her you feel you need more from a person doing the MOH.
Unfortunately, because you didn't make this choice from the GET GO you might BE stuck with her as your MoH - it's kinda hard to "fire" a MoH without cause a LOT of drama.
So think it over. Talk to her. And do it in person or over the phone - NOT over FB or text.
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