A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:For about a week now I've been dating a woman 2 years older than me. I've had a few girlfriends in the past, but I keep getting this really amazing feeling around her that I can honestly say I haven't felt before, and I'm really excited about being with her because I think that she's special. We like all the same things, we have a fantastic time when around each other, etc.The problem is that I have really low self-esteem, and I'm extremely insecure for a guy. I've always had this problem, and it's completely ruined relationships for me in the past. When I'm around her I'm happy, but I can't shake the feeling that when I put my arm around her it bothers her, and I don't know whether I should give her space or she WANTS me to be close to her and show affection. Also, we have amazing conversations(most of the time), but sometimes it seems like we can't find anything to talk about and we draw a blank in the conversation.She's said many times before that she likes me more than any guy she has before, and that makes me feel good, but at the same time I think I may scare her off. I've already told her I have insecurities, and she appreciated the fact that I told her and said we'd work on those together. But I'm afraid to ASK her things like "Does it bother you when I put my arm around you?" because I don't want to seem like I'm way too clingy.How can I just stop worrying about everything and just enjoy this relationship? What should I do as far as telling her about these things?
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female
reader, GettingHelp  +, writes (11 April 2010):
For the most part most girls won't let you get away with something they don't like. The girl you're talking about sounds like she is confident - is she? If so she'll probably shrug you off when she doesn't want your arm around her. If she does shrug you off - don't be offended - just go with it.
Chances are if she's with you its for a reason - she likes you. Silently remind yourself of that every day, more often if you need it.
If you really are worried about PDA (Public Display of Affection) ask her about it, but don't be weird about it. Play it cool. Sometimes you have to "fake it before you make it" i.e. sometimes you have to fake confidence and you'll eventually feel it.
If the blanks in conversation feel awkward (depending on how far along with the physical side of things you are & where you are i.e. in public or alone) kiss her or make a joke.
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous [unecessary]"
Alternatively you may be reading too much into the situation and its an enjoyable silence - revel in the fact that she feel comfortable in silence with you.
Ask broader questions than "does it bother you when I put my arm around you?" if you feel you need to ask questions. So ask about affection in general - but if you relax and stop trying to see hidden messages you may just get into the groove of things and find that you don't need to ask questions.
I'm in the same age group as you and I've started giving my long time boyfriend handjobs. But it took us a while to get there - for a long time I wasn't comfortable touching his pants - anywhere! LOL and he would try and move my hand down there - and I would pull my hand away. I know its a little more extreme than what you're talking about - but the point that I'm making if she's confident and she trusts you - you'll probably find that she'll pull away or move away when she doesn't want something. She may also tell you verbaly.
If she does tell you verbaly - respect her wishes:)It'll earn you HUGE brownie points.
Relax a little more around her & trust that she trusts you. If she trusts you she'll tell you what she doesn't like. It may surprise you but girls will often tell you what they're not comfortable with if they trust you and/or are confident.
Maybe reassure her that she can tell you what she's not comfortable with without you getting offended and leave it at that?
Try and relax & remind yourself that whilst a thousand guys saw her - she saw you - she likes you & wants to be with you. Relax.
Don't even think about these things 'cause they'll just stress you out way more than is necessary. Enjoy the moments with her.
I know how hard it is - but relax;) enjoy;)
Good luck - hope this helped!
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