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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: How can I deal with husband masterbating instead of being with me? I am young and attractive, I have a very high sex drive and my huband who is 12 years older than me doesn't. I've caught him materbating numerious times and it disgusts me because of things that happended to me when I was little. Long story but he knows about it all and my problems with it. Worse than that he lies to me about it, completely lies about it when I confront him about it. Any suggestions how to deal with this? I would rather him not be waisting himself instead of being with me, his wife of 10 months now. I'm ready to call it quits...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): Well it sounds to me that you need to sit down and discuss why you are upset that he releives himself. End of the day as a Man I can tell you that I do the same and a lot of Men would agree. I think Males are conditioned to think of sex more than Women do and of course its not always available. So we relieve ourselves and that takes away the tension.
I do not think it has anything to do with your Abuse also stop thinking its just men that abuse Children there are some very sick women out there and I know as it happened to me from the ages of 4 - 12.
Please seek out help and try and look at what is wrong with your Marriage. If you expect to find any Man that doesn't want to do that then good luck. I very much doubt you will unless he has been castrated.
Steve
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): hi there i have the same issue as you not the past thing but i have caught my husband maturbating, a few times. And i was not invading his privacy either i just kind of walked up just like you would on someone in the washroom INOCCENTLY.. and i confronted him and he lied, i asked him why he did not just come to me and we could have made love or something, and he had nothing to say he was imberassed, it really bothers me makes me feel like i am not good enough, i know this reply does not really offer you any advice, but i thought i would let you know i am going through the same thing you are not alone or on a high horse, just know you are not alone but try talking with him and letting him know really genuinely how you feel and that it hurts.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): Sweetie.
You have much anger inside of you and much hurt. This hasn't been properly addressed and you still need closure on your past and lets face it; most of it is just going to have to go unresolved as people who molest and sexually abuse children; don't care and don't want to be found out so...let them deny. Justice will come in time and if not in this life; the next.
Worry about healing yourself and dealing with your past; face the ugliness of it and say...you are now no longer that child, you no longer need to fear-you are in control of your life and your emotions and thoughts.
Seek some counselling about this and get some couple's counselling.
Brow beating your husband when you don't really know why he does what he does and what he rationalizes why it is acceptable and okay to do it... and ignore your feelings.
And Sweetie...you need to stop seeing it as he doesn't love you enough, doesn't care about you...even if in a way he is failing you and letting you down and it is tearing you up inside; he is oblivious to what really goes on inside of you and what his lack of self restraint is doing to you.
Still. This is no cause to believe this can not be overcome and that the two of you can have a happy marriage.
Counselling and Fast.
Also, pick up a book by Beverly Engle titled "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" and don't use this book as a means to beat up your husband; you are transfering your past onto your husband and justifying your emotional abuse and verbal I suspect onto him. Don't.
Best wishes.
*Hugs*
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 December 2006):
 You may be scorned but that doesn't make you correct. Just because he put up with your hang ups doesn't change anything. As you said, they're your hang ups. Not his. Keep getting help. You sound very bitter.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (21 December 2006):
 I say you should call it quits and give the guy some peace. Then you can spend your time trying work out your problems with your past. I'd certainly get a handle on them before I started a new relationship. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (21 December 2006):
 Another set up. Why would being raped and being sexually abused as a child make you hate his masturbating (the correct spelling whilst we are at it :-)?)
Why should he stop something perfectly natural. If you are real and this is a real problem, I suggest you get off your high horse and get a grip!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was raped and sexually abused as a child and in my previous marriage. You have no idea what I've been through so don't start name calling and making him out to be the victim. I have had issues in the past and I have been to a physcologist as well as a counseller many, many times in my life to try to help with my past. I have dealt with my issues but some things that happen in life can never be forgotten. I've been seriously hurt and even before we started dating he knew all my hang ups. He new the reasons why and still continued to be with me. I never hid anything from him. I know it isn't all about me but I'm the one post this not him. As far as a nasty little attitude, it's call intelligence and a woman scorned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): all men masturbate. every day, sometimes more than once a day. they can and do masturbate before and after sex. but i always hear that sex is better. so if ur not having sex becuase he would rather masturbate, then its a problem.
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Hi anon, well, its quite normal for a man to masturbate i can assure you and has no reflection on you at all. Even men that are in happy and loving relationships masturbate. Its just a quick and easy release for them when they're maybe too tired or dont feel like indulging in sex. Please dont give up on your marriage because of this. It really doesnt have to be a problem if you can talk about it reasonably. You dont divulge what exactly happened to you when you were little but it sounds like you still have some issues that need to be resolved and that are affecting the way in which you view sexual activity. You say your husband knows about it and therefore should quit masturbating and that he lies about it. I would imagine that because you've told him he's not to do it then its like the forbidden fruit to him and he lies about it because you confront him in a way that causes him to be defensive. I think that you need to talk with someone, a counsellor about what happened to you in the past. This really will help you come to terms with it and look at what your husband does in a different way. Dont give up yet. If you love each other then its worth trying to save. Please talk to each other and a counsellor and things will improve. Hope this helps. good luckx
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (20 December 2006):
Is he ever with you sexually? How often? Masterbation is quite normal. You say it disgusts you because of what happened to you in the past. Have you ever thought you might have some issues to deal with?
Here's my suggestion about how to deal with this. I think you need to get off your high horse and be a little realsitic. You sound like a tirant !!... You say..."he knows about it and my problems with it"...."completely lies about it when I confront him about it" Lay off the poor guy, it's not all about you!! Quit sneaking up on him and give him some privacy. Take stock of yourself, talk to him, but I can tell by the tone, you sound like you have a nasty atttitude.
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