A
female
age
36-40,
*eganw3221
writes:Hi there, My fiance and I have been together a little over 2 years. He asked me to marry him in April and we found out that I was pregnant in May (good timing huh?). We both have an interest in poker and kareoke and before we found out I was pregnant we would frequent a couple local bars several nights a week to play poker or sing kareoke. Since I am pregnant I do not partake in these activities anymore because the whole bar scene is really not the place for me. He still goes out on Saturdays with his friends to sing kareoke or play poker, this does not bother me too much. What bothers me is that he thinks he has to have his friends over to the house at least 3 nights out of the week if not more. I have friends that I do things with on occasion but I do not have to see them everyday. Not only are his friends very inconsiderate to me, they completly take advantage of him. For a young couple we are pretty financially stable and lucky to have many luxuries that others our age might not, but we both work very hard for what we have. His friends are always asking to borrow money, sleep on our couch or just mooching off of us in any way they can. My fiance has a very kind heart and is extrememly generous, which are qualities that first attracted me to him, but this is getting ridiculous! I tell him all he is doing is enabling his friends, because he makes it so easy for them to just borrow off of him all the time. He then treats me like I am cold hearted. He has even given people money without discussing it with me first. I find myself completely overwhelmed when I come home from work after an 8 hour day and there are his friends at our house, watching our tv and eating our food! I have told my fiance how I feel about this and on more than one occasion I have let his friends know exactly how I felt too. In turn he tells me I have no right to be rude to his friends. When his friends are not there, he makes comments on how bored he is, and that he might as well eat dinner and just go to bed. His comments make me feel like crap! The funny thing is, him and his friends will sit there and watch tv, basically doing the same exact thing that we do when we are the only ones there. I have encouraged him to try different activities with me and he won't. I have tried to get us into counseling and he absolutely will not go. I have suggested us making some couple friends that we could go do things with and he tells me that he dosen't need anymore friends. I feel like I am trying to settle down and make a good home enviorment for our child and he is not. We are not on the same page at all and we have lost all communication! I am starting to feel very resentful towards him. I love him dearly and I know he loves me too but I am just tired of all this. What should I do?
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female
reader, meganw3221 +, writes (29 October 2009):
meganw3221 is verified as being by the original poster of the question This pregnancy was unexpected, the funny thing is he was very excited about the idea of us having a child together. As a matter of fact, he has always been very enthusiastic about having a family of his own. When we first started dating he expressed to me that he was looking for someone that he could settle down and start a family with. This was not the case for myself. I wasn't quite sure that I wanted children especially this young, so you might be able to feel my frustration and confusion.
I have had to grow up extremely fast because I didn't have a choice, now I want this child more than anything. Don't get me wrong, he has been supportive in alot of ways. He has been to all the doctor's appointments with me and he has helped out alot with the planning and decorating of the nursery as well. A part of me thinks that maybe he is just scared and sewing his oats, as they say, but I don't understand this change in him at all. There is no doubt in my mind that he will be a good father to our child but I'm not sure if he is going to make a good husband to me if we can not get alot of these issues resolved. I realize that I have changed alot during the course of this pregnancy and at times I can be hormonal but am I really that miserable to be around?
Another part of me believes that alot of his friendship issues stem from his childhood. His biological parents abandoned him when he was 3. I think that maybe he surronds himself with the friends he does because he thinks if he lets them borrow money and take advantage of him, they need him and therefore will not "abandon" him. I guess he just assumes that I am going to be around for the long haul and that is why he is turning his attentions towards his friends right now, it's like he's afraid he is going to miss out on something if they are not around all the time.
I definitely feel like we both need counseling to make this work. What is your opinion on giving him an ultimatum?
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 October 2009):
This is the sign of a guy who really isn't in the family mindset at the moment. The serious issue here is that a baby is coming and he's playing deaf. It's time for a serious wake up call here, because if you're stressed and resentful, you're going to start falling out of love with him, your baby will have two parents who are at each others throats because they're in two different worlds and to top it off, while your baby is in your womb, it is going to sense your stress. You are pregnanant, tired and now feeling unloved. I hate to tell you this, but maybe he's not as caring or as generous as you think. From an outsider's point of view, he sounds immature, selfish and more of a serious problem than anything else.What happens when the baby comes and you can't feed it because he's partying or giving money away? To stop this, you must first realize that above all else, you and your baby must come first here. This means some tough choices. I know you love him, but you can't trust him at the moment, and I think you need to make this clear. Tell him that he IS going to be a father, he WILL have responsibility and you NEED his support, because you don't want your baby growing up in a house where it will feel unloved, which it will if he continues to put himself and his friends first. And I hate to say this, but you may even need to consider moving out to get the support you need through pregnancy, or you're going to end up hating him, and your baby is going to come into this world feeling stressed. I really wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (28 October 2009):
 It sounds like you are on different pages, you want to settle down, make a home for your new family life, he wants a party house & it almost sounds like he is trying to live a batchelor's lifestyle.
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