A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just found out I am pregnant and I think I am in shock. I am a 21 years old, senior in college. I am a biology major and I planned on going on to medical school, dental school, or some other graduate school. I am an excellent student with my whole life ahead of me. My boyfriend and I have been together since November 08, so not that long. I want to say I am scared or freaking out or something, but I honestly can't feel anything. I am in complete shock. I have no idea what to do. Do I tell him? We suspected I could be but I was stupid enough to think "that could never happen to me." He has a good job and works every day. He already has one child; she is 6 and a sweetheart. He is 25. Do I tell my friends? They are all on their way to medical or veterinary school as well. I am starting to freak out while I type this. If I have this baby, it would mean no graduate school. I would simply have my bachelor of science in biology. I don't know what kind of money I can make with that or if I can even get a job I enjoy. If I have an abortion, what will that do to my mental state and to my relationship with my boyfirend? My mom will absolutely take this badly. It has always been her dream for me to become a doctor or a pharmacist or a dentist, something professional. And it is completely within my grasp, except for this extremely big bump in the road. I have explained myself the best I can. Please give me some advice. I'm now officially freaking out and I don't know who to share this information with. Please please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): Daer friend:
You still have your life ahead!!!!! What the heck are you talking about! I'm got accepted to med school on Feb this year and I just found out I'm pregnant! I understand the fear to the unknown, specially when we are pursuing such demanding career.
Just like you I'm an excellent student, I'm graduating highest honors this May, got 34 on my MCAT! well... the works... but these things happen and we have to face it. Your boyfriend should known as some one replied to you before; you didn't got pregnant by yourself. Don't expect anything from him, he may have a great reaction but probablity that he may panic are very high. Please, don't marry this guy "for the baby" you obviously don't know each other well enough. Get to know each other throughout this time.
If you still haven't apply to med school yet... great, take a year off, manny students do. It will be better... YOU DON"T HAVE TO FORGET ABOUT YOUR DREAMS!!! You still can go to med school and be a mom! I am going to do it, no matter what! (did I mention I'm not married?)
Many schools have flexibility with their pregnant students. YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST MOM STUDENT!!! many have done it before you and me.
Having a baby is a big responsability but it is also the greatest source of inspiration and it should give you the strength to thrive for a better future, not only for you but for that new life that is growing inside you.
If you are as smart as you said you are, you'll have no problem moving forward and achieving your dreams.No matter how hard it seems at times... if I can do it and others have done it, you can do it to! with or with out the father's presence.
Good luck to you. God bles you and help you make the right decision.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTHank you all for your advice. It makes me feel better just to have some outside opinions. I have talked to my boyfriend and he was wonderfully supportive. He will support me in whatever I decide to do. He wants me to keep it, but will also understand and support me if I choose to abort. It is a huge decision and I am stll completely clueless mainly because I am still in shock. It does not feel real yet. Thank you all again and if you have any other advice, please let me know!
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 You are biology major. You are in college. You have easy access of literature, online as well as paperbacks, on pros and cons of adoption and abortion.
Now, before you freak out some more.
1. Take a deep breath. Drink some chamomile tea. Light aromatic candles around you (or take a long warm bath). Get your notebook or piece of paper and a pen.
2. Research this very site (Dear Cupid). Use keywords "adoption or abortion" or variations of keywords on issues on which you would like to educate yourself. Make your notes (don't print them - save them electronically or just write down notes in your book - save paper save trees - save planet earth).
3. Research other sites on the web for more appropriate literature on abortion, adoption, support group, teen moms, and family support. Take notes again.
4. Sleep. Let your brain digest it overnight.
5. Repeat steps 1-4 (over the whole weekend if necessary). Think of this as your most important project. Think of it as all the information you can obtain will be the backbone of any debate or scientific and rational defense that will make or break your approval to continue in your school's matriculation.
6. Talk to your boyfriend. If he is in a long term commitment with you, he would want to be involved in this stage (but you need to have some back up reading before you start the discussion with him). If you think he may not be there for you for longer term, he still has the right to know about the future of his unborn child.
7. Talk with your family and friends. Talk with your professors. You will be surprised how supportive they will be or can be, toward whatever you decided to do. Ignore any snipe or judgmental remarks you hear (or hear them, but do not take it to heart). They do not live your life.
6. Weigh the various options they offer to you. Yes, if you decided to have an adoption, I would think that it would haunt you for the rest of your life. But I do not live your life. If you kept it, your dreams may have to be put in the backburner temporarily. If you give it up, you will miss him/her but you know s/he will have a good life in a loving home - of couples who really really really want to have a child.
Here's just an example of my personal take on your internal debates:
Yes, if you kept it, you may have to POSTPONE your professional career dreams.
Yes, you would be stressed trying to juggle baby-work-study-bf/partner/hubby.
Yes, you will have a beautiful baby.
Yes, you will be so ecstatic when you see your baby smile and making cute baby faces/noises/words/steps.
No, you don't have to feel bad about giving up your baby, particularly if you could choose the parents to be and you have open access to communicate (or at least get updates his/her life from time to time from the adopted parents).
No, you may not need to give up your baby. You may find that your family and friends (or new friends) would love to help you in looking after your baby if and when necessary. You just have to work it out with them responsibly.
Yes you may be financially strapped for a while.
No, you don’t have to forgo your dreams to be a doctor/dentist/vet .. There is no age limit per se (unless you are already in your 40s now) to be enrolled in these faculties.
No, you may NOT necessarily be a single mom for long. You might just find your knight in shining armor soon! Who will be so supportive that you don't have to worry about your baby while you are back getting your medical degree (I have seen that in real life, actually)
Job wise, not everyone has the luxury to get a job s/he likes or loves to do. I have known people who became doctors simply because they can, and they know that there is good money in it professionally. Not all medical professionals are in it because they love their field of subject, or love to help others.
There are also people who we think are successful financially but very miserable in their personal lives.
There are people who do not earn enough to have a proper pension plan, or money to put their children to higher education. Yet they are very happy in their lives, and learn to enjoy themselves within their financial means.
There are people who will be the first to help those in need, within their capacity and means, regardless of how much they are worth in the bank.
Life is a mysterious journey. It is an adventure. If we all have all our journeys mapped out before we venture out, it would be very boring. But at least, do get you a map of this one journey. Your new map may still match with the one you had before.
Good luck, and keep healthy. You are now officially ordered not to freak out anymore. Well, just a bit should be OK I guess.
Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): It sounds to me like you had a really wonderful life plan, and now something has come along that completely unsettles it, and you feel like your only two choices are (1) abandon your dreams of the wonderful life plan and settle for something less, or (2) destroy the evidence.
But the fact that you're freaking out makes me think this choice matters to you -- a lot -- and it doesn't sound to me like just sweeping this under a rug and trying to pretend it never happen is going to be the most emotionally healthy thing for YOU in the long run.
That doesn't mean you have to raise this baby. The defining characteristic of a good mother is that she is selfless, self-sacrificing and loving. Sometimes, the most loving, selfless thing a mother can do is recognize that she is not well-equipped to provide for the new child, and to entrust that role to someone else who is.
The right way to deal with this pregnancy is the same as the right way for dealing with any difficult problem -- own up to whatever it is that may seem impossible to own up to, take a deep breath, understand that life may be harder for a time, and trust in the fact that you will come out a stronger, better person on the other end.
I think that there are situations where an abortion can be the answer, but it sounds to me like you're considering an abortion due to feelings of shame, humiliation, and/or a desire to just have this chapter in your life ended. Those things are all pretty trivial in the grand scheme. See a doctor, get some pre-natal treatment, find some adoptive parents to help cover the costs of the pregnancy (particularly important, I imagine, because you're in school) and then trust that you are making the best choices you can, for both you and your child.
And yes, whatever you decide, you have to tell your boyfriend. These kinds of things are not to be kept secret -- you wouldn't be able to look at yourself in the mirror and feel proud of the woman you've become. And every young girl deserves the opportunity to feel proud of the woman she's become.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): This all sounds like a conversation you should be having with him. You did not make this baby by yourself. He has a right to know. Then the two of you can sit down and make some informed decisions together. Best of luck!
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