A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, well... This feels very awkward for me. I've always been someone who figured things out on her own. I'm to the point of breaking that I turn to you all. I'm engaged to a great (or at least good) man. I'm also pregnant with a 7 year old. Now my past has been very dark from my bad choices to being with very bad men.So we can safely say I have insecurities, self loathing, and doubt. Given my experience, I believe the steps I've made has helped me since then but now I'm at a crossroads.My partner, well it seems to me that he rather watch porn than touch me. I don't well, I didn't have a problem with porn till recently. I asked my partner why we haven't had intercourse in 2 weeks. He told me he was having problems getting hard. Now I can understand this, he works a total of 90 hours a week and sleeps maybe 10. Well I didn't push it, I still loved on him and showed my affection. That same day, I went out at his request to get something from the store. I guess I wasn't gone for enough time and walked in on him masterbating. There have been 4 other times this has has happened and each time we had not had intercouse for a period of time.I left utterly confused felt betrayed, lied too. Etc. He said he's been trying to "fix" his problem by doing this. I other hand just really hurt. The pain feels like it's growing and takes away my breath.What do I do, my best friend tells me regardless of the situation he should respect my wishes on things that he clearly knew when we stepped into this relationship. Any and all advocacy will be amazing. Thank you
View related questions:
best friend, engaged, my ex, period, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2015): The male anon had some good approach to letting your partner know there is a problem yet he failed to require any accountability from your partner or to address how unattractive this can make a woman feel. That's not something easily fixed and it would be interesting to hear from a man who admits to having this problem on the past, the thinking of a man doing this . How does a man using porn possibly imagine his partner would feel atrractive knowing he his getting iff to usually younger fitter women . Especially when the wife is ageing ir may be pregnant etcThat is perhaps another question to ask your partner. Perhaps in his eyes he thinks you should just accept that he likes getting off to perfect bodies young porn stars. Yet I highly doubt he would feel the same if the world were a different place and mrn in porn were 99 percent of the time young and hot whilst there were ordinary and often even unattractive
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): I just want to say this to the ladies in general: Don't be door mats. Play hard to get. As the saying goes, if you run you get chased.If he doesn't want to have sex with you, then be it.You don't want to have sex with him either.And see how he will be chasing you for sex in no time.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): You admitted to making bad choices, and listed all your insecurities that resulted from these choices. Then you don't seem so sure about how to describe the man you're engaged to.
Is he great, or is he good? What makes him good enough to marry? Being a provider isn't enough. Is the seven year-old his child too? How far along are you pregnant?
Masturbation in itself can be habit-forming. You can't just blame the porn. Men don't always need porn to masturbate.
It isn't always the porn that makes a guy lose desire for his partner. It can be pure selfishness, and the fact masturbation offers immediate-gratification. He can satisfy himself and go quickly to sleep. Satisfying you requires energy and endurance. Masturbation takes a few minutes.
It's been two weeks? That's not really all that long. He sure works a lot of hours! I'm surprised he even has the energy to do anything.
He apparently IS watching too much porn. Being in his early twenties and having erection problems? Apparently not for porn!!!
Here's the facts. Having real-sex is less appealing; because he has already "knocked-one-off" maybe two or three times before you're interested in making love to him. So he's all tapped-out. There's nothing left after pleasing himself several times. Maybe you're both out of sync when you need each other. The problem is, he doesn't seem to care!
Intimacy is something couples workout together. Even professionals will take your money, and pretend they have the answers; but the real answers are held between the two of you. He may have a porn-addiction; but that addiction may be stronger than his desire for you. Perhaps pleasing himself has become a conscious preference; because he's bored with the relationship altogether. Porn is an obvious and convenient alternative.
I speculate that he is turning to masturbation so often, he doesn't need sex. I also think he is a very selfish guy, and he just may not be that into you to start with. The thought of the permanence of marriage is probably getting to him. One partner for the rest of your life!
Many guys get themselves into relationships and get women pregnant. They fulfill the obligation to be there for you in-body, but not in mind and spirit. He's there for his kids, and you happen to come with the package. Perhaps he feels obligated to marry you for getting you pregnant.
For certain, he's making excuses; because he's been satisfying himself too often. Porn is only a visual-aid. The rest is in his head. Masturbation is no substitute for something warm and sexy. He has probably had this problem all along, and it's just getting worse.
You gave a mediocre assessment of him as a man. Just how good is he too you? There will be a lot of answers given to you, but they're all based on our speculation. No one knows either of you; and can't fairly advise you based on a one-sided story. The worn-out complaint that a guy prefers porn over having real-sex doesn't have a one-size fits-all response.
If you're full of emotional scars and insecurities, just how sexy can you feel?
It now all depends on how important sex is to you in your future-marriage? If he reciprocates the feelings you have for him to begin with; and if he is willing to seek treatment, if he thinks he has developed a porn-addiction?
Decide if he is good enough to keep around, or if you'd rather he just send a child-support check, and have visitation rights for the children. The outlook is grim.
If there isn't much else to keep you happy having him around, consider writing him off as yet another mistake. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to bring children into the situation; until you had a strong enough commitment with the man you've chosen to marry, and have children for. This should also include working on all the insecurities you claim are the result of bad relationships. How will either of you be a role-model for your children? You both seem to have some serious problems to attend to.
I guess your engagement to this guy presents a preview of what marriage will be like. Is it "good" enough?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): Hi hon! First don't feel too discouraged. There are a plethora of reasons why this could be happening, so don't count it as a super negative right out of the gate. Was he doing this before pregnancy? Is there any way of knowing how often? etc. As a man who has been in this situation before I can say my main reason was that it was just easier and quicker to do it myself because all I wanted was to just "get off". (ultimately selfish yes)It takes a lot out of you to try to be intimate when you are tired from work, such as he, or depressed (my case). Men are expected to perform well and satisfy their partner/wife, to please her, if he isn't trying to be a selfish jerk that only wants his then be done. That expectation, even if it's only in his own mind, is stressful and for me I would think,'well, lets just not.' so if i got in the mood i would just watch a quick video and rub one out and de-stress, problem solved, for me anyway. I had other reasons as well but they don't really pertain to your issue. I think one possible test would be to be forth right with your concerns in a non judgmental way, but out of concern. That may be difficult but you have to know what (and how) you are going to express those concerns without putting pressure on him. Example:If I place myself in your shoes I would find a moment when he isn't occupied and say, "I have something I need to talk to you about. This is important to me because I love you. would you be willing to listen to me for a minute? (he says yes/no)"First, nothing that I'm going to say means that I am trying to put pressure on you to be or do anything, I just want you to know whats going in with me. Since my pregnancy our intimacy level has gone down, while this isn't uncommon to happen in marriages, women and men tend to be concerned about it and I'm no exception it seems. After thinking on it for a while now, I find that my biggest concern is wanting to know the cause. Some men find pregnancy a mood killer, while others find it appealing. Some worry that they may hurt the woman or baby so keep hands off. Some find the extra stress of mood changes, work, and another mouth to feed to kill off the intimacy. All of these are natural scenarios and as much as you do for this family I want to know how you feel, because you are important too." See where that leads the conversation. he may engage or brush it off, if the later say OK, but I know you will be thinking about it so when you are ready to talk about it I'll be here. If he doesn't get back to you for a cpl weeks bring it up again, in a similar manner. Also, if he is receptive, you can explain that you aren't expecting him to perform any specific way, we don't have to have full intercourse, you just want to feel close to him. Touching or cuddling, or let him relax and you kiss and massage him intimately or otherwise. Keep the communication open. This may make you feel like a servant at first but it may be necessary to break the cycle and let him know its OK to touch you if that is his hang up. It could simply be that he is too tired to initiate the whole process of sex (hence the quick masturbation sessions), which is where letting him know that he doesn't have to do anything but let you love on him. If you let him know that he can come to you so you can be his "masturbater" then he can feel more comfortable with initiating sex, it also relays that he is desired by you which is important to men as well as women. You being the initiator and performer is OK for a while at first but remember not to get into a habit of it. Sex is a two way street and I wouldn't want you to start feeling resentment, or him thinking that his obligation is gone. But that will be something you have to work out bt you. The worst case scenario is that he's addicted to porn but if that were true he may have shown signs of it before now unless he was super stealthy. In which case its marriage counseling that is needed, to help you two work through it. I hope this helps in some way, if only to dig out the reasons behind it all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 May 2015):
 The guy "loves" his hand more than he loves you. Is THAT much clear????
Doesn't sound like "boyfriend/hubby" material to me... Is he the "baby daddy" of your pregnancy?
I don't see much of a future here, for you... BUT, I also see you admitting to yourself that you're doing a lousy job of picking men-friends. Dump this one (guy) and work on this last item...
THEN, spend all of your time paying attention to your kids...
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2015): ok, the pregnant+ 7 year old thing really confused me (your sentence " I'm also pregnant with a 7 year old. " do you have a 7yr old from a previous relationship or are you 7 months pregnant???)
IF you are pregnant-are you pregnant by your fiance? IF so - why not discuss "sex whilst pregnant" topic? Weirdly enough (for me), men seem to be put off from sex with pregnant women. Many STILL have unfounded fears like "oh, maybe I'll hurt the baby", which I thought everyone knew was an old wives' tale ,but apparently not...
It might not be that. He might be put off by another aspect of the pregnancy- unless you ask him directly and push till you get an answer, you may never get an answer.
...............................
|
