A
female
age
30-35,
*hic999
writes:i slept with my fiance's friend back in december when we were not together not by choice but cause he was drunk and wouldnt leave me alone for anything! he has been living w/ me and my fiance for 3 months and [my fiancé} just now is finding out after we lied 2 times about it. im pregnant with my fiance's child and now he doesnt know if he wants to be with me anymore. i need advice on how to keep him what i could possibly do for him to trust me again and us be happy again it happend a long time ago but he was living with us! i cant lose him what do i do? please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): Why do you need him? Because you love him? So I guess he holds all the power here and you're just going to sit back and do nothing about it?
Good luck to you then OP, love alone is never enough for anything and it's not going to fix this. Only you can fix this and only if you're strong, otherwise you're screwed. He can pick you up and drop you and there's nothing you can do about it unless you actually do decide to do something about it.
A
female
reader, chic999 +, writes (20 May 2012):
chic999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says its not considered cheating cause we weren't dating we were just talking. but if you gonna tell someone you love them that's more than talking. and we were even talkin when this happened. we stopped for like two weeks. he tells me now that we are gonna work things out but earlier i read a text to his friend sayin he was gonna leave me?! I'm totally confused i go from one day to the next not knowing what to do or believe and i need him in my life. i love him so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2012): Wow OP.
All I can say to you is you should fear more that he might not go than whether he should stay.
You really sound all wrong for each other. He cheats you forgive him and you have sex with a guy when you weren't even together and he wants to break up? He's an ass.
Why are you letting him treat you this way? Why did you have sex with a guy when you really didn't want to?
I can only advise you to go seek counselling OP. You've let both these guys walk all over you and don't seem to have the strength or courage to stop guys treating you this way.
You're going to be a mother soon OP. You can't let guys treat you like a doormat because they'll be treating your kid like a doormat through you.
It sounds to me like you live your life with too much fear of hurting or losing other people. You let them get away with far too much and for the wrong reasons.
You didn't want to have sex but you did because you were nervous?
Go to counselling, go learn some proper coping techniques OP. You're not dealing with any of these situations in a way that serves your best interests and you really need to learn those skills so you can put your child's best interests first. What happens if your kid gets bullied at school, or if the father just decides not to live up to his responsibilities are you just going to let those things slide because you're nervous and don't like conflict?
You need to take control here OP. This guy can piss right off, he's being an absolute ass and you're the one trying to make things right? How does that make sense to you? Other than the lies you really didn't do all that much wrong. Certainly not in comparison to what he did and you forgave him.
OP if you can't deal with this situation then how are you can deal with the huge number of obstacles that will come your way as part of being a mother?
"but i gave him a second chance and he has straightend up tremendously"
Obviously not if he's thinking of leaving you and maybe even has a kid with another woman.
The best way to deal with this is with strength. Make him remember the time he cheated, all the things he did and ask him if what you did is really worse than all that and if you can forgive him, why can't he forgive you?
It's time to stop being meek and apologetic, it's time to change tactics and be the strong one. Do not allow him to treat you this way, do not let him use this as some kind of excuse. Accept nothing other than he'll work through this with you and move forward. If he can't give you those assurances OP then you're better off without him.
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female
reader, chic999 +, writes (19 May 2012):
chic999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk this happened in December we quit talkin due to i found him talkin to 3 other girls and having sex wit them as well. I'm 8 weeks pregnant. i understand i could have done somethin about it but i tried to tell him no so many times i had never been put in this situation before i was just nervous in all honesty i have no reason to lie to yall i didn't want to do it! didn't at all! at the time me and my fiance had only been talking for 2 weeks and not to mention his ex girlfriend is claiming her child is his which would have been in Jan and he ya playing me then to. but i gave him a second chance and he has straightend up tremendously. that's a little more detailed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): "not by choice"
So you were raped? You need to go the cops then OP, if it wasn't your choice then it was rape. If it wasn't rape then you have to stop saying it wasn't by choice. I wouldn't trust you for a second if you kept saying that because you won't even take responsibility for what happened and then you try to cover it up with lies.
"he was drunk and wouldnt leave me alone for anything!"
Then how can your fiancé trust you OP? If that's how easy it was for the other guy to get you. There will be other guys who will be as persistent as him in the future and you can't say no to drunken guys?
OP you were split up and while it wouldn't have been the end of the world that you did end up having a rebound with this guy, you lied about it and said it wasn't by choice so in effect you made yourself in a guilty party.
Personally if I was your boyfriend I wouldn't be happy that you slept with someone else when we were split up but I would be furious that you lied about it and I would lose all trust in you over the "it wasn't my choice" thing. How can you trust a girl that doesn't take responsibility for her mistakes? If this wasn't her choice then how do I know she's not just going to let other guys take her and use the same excuse? Sorry OP but if it's something you really didn't want to do but did it so he'd stop pestering you then that shows a distinct lack of strength of character to be able to say no to guys.
You see technically what you did wasn't a bad thing. You had a rebound shag. But how you've handled the whole thing has made you look very bad.
"I'm sorry, it's just I was a mess from our break up, he was there drunk and I ended up sleeping with him." That's a mistake OP and one which can be looked past.
"I didn't have a choice, he was drunk and just didn't leave me alone, I had to lie to you twice because I didn't want to lose you". This is consistent attempt to lie to him and makes what was probably a meaningless shag into a huge reason to doubt you as a partner. I have never in my life accepted the "I didn't want to, I had no choice" excuse for anything and frankly I can't see how your boyfriend is going to resolve this in his mind while you still have this kind of attitude to what happened.
If you want him to trust you, if you want him to be able to see that you didn't cheat because you weren't together, that it was a mistake that won't happen again you have to take responsibility for it and he lies.
Oh and kick this other guy out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2012): Put yourself in your fiancé's shoes, he's found out you slept with his mate even though you weren't together that is too close to home. When you got back together you could have been honest and said "look I slept with him but we weren't together" but instead kept it secret and now it's all come out for all he knows you could have been sleeping together before you split and since you've been back together because this guy lives with you. Also just because he was drunk and wouldn't leave you alone is not an excuse, unless he's physically forced you after you have said no (which if he did you should have reported him to the police and not have him still living with you) then you have to accept that you consented to sex with him, you could have told him to get lost and locked your door so when talking to your fiancé do not try to use this excuse or any excuse. Be an adult and accept that you've made a mistake sleeping with this guy.
So in your fiance's head he may be doubting that the child you are pregnant with is his. You don't say how far along you are in pregnancy but is there a chance it could be the other guys? It's not fair to say its your fiancé's if there is a chance it's not.
I think you just have to sit down with your fiancé and promise him that it was only once, you never have and never would cheat and that you only didn't say anything because you wanted a fresh start and because it happened while not you were not together you felt you didn't want to discuss it. I think that friend of his needs to move out if you stand any chance of saving your relationship otherwise he will never be able to trust you, even in your own home.
Best of luck xx
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