A
female
age
36-40,
*issMuffet
writes:I'm 23 years old and my boyfriend is 22. I'm very close to 7 months pregnant and he has not told his parents yet. I have asked him if it would make him feel better if I was there too and he said yes but that was a little over a month ago. Also, he seems very distant with me, he used to treat me with so much respect and he used to always let me know he loved me, now.. it's not how it used to be. I understand that he's scared to be a parent.. I don't know, I just don't know what to do about it. Any answers you may have will help me out very much. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom +, writes (22 December 2008):
"MissMuffet", I'm afraid you may have provided the answer when you said ". . . complained that he won't have any money to buy the things he wants anymore and he won't be able to go to college . . .". Your boyfriend's personal comfort, and his affluence, are his primary motivation - he is more attached to things than to people.
This may change after your baby arrives. Speaking from experience, I was somewhat uncertain about having children when my wife & I got pregnant the first time. Sadly, we lost that daughter due to birth complications but one result of that trauma was the realization that i DID want children.
I think you are facing a problem more serious than his reluctance to tell his parents about your child. Even when children are NOT involved, I suspect that money, materialism, selfishness, or greed - by both men and women - are the main cause of more marriage break-ups than infidelity, pornography, or lack of affection.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I think its very important that his parents are told as soon as possible, next time you speak to him, be firm but friendly "babe, lets go to your parent's this weekend/tomorrow/in two days time" (so he has time to prepare himself but not time to get out of it)"I'll come with you and we'll tell them about the baby together"
I think it would be good, if they are nice and easy going everything should go well and hopefully when his parents know about it he might accept some responsibility as he seems to be shying away a little.
Let us know what you do and how it goes!
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A
female
reader, MissMuffet +, writes (20 December 2008):
MissMuffet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did not see the movie Juno, but I do know what it's about. His parents are very nice and easy going. He has complained that he won't have any money to buy the things he wants anymore and he won't be able to go to college, which isn't true at all. My brother and his wife have 3 children and both work and go to college. My brother always has the latest technology and his kids are well cared for. My boyfriend makes more then both combined, I honestly think he's overreacting but I don't want to say that to him. I like to avoid any possible arguments. Although sometimes arguing can be healthy according to some.
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A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (20 December 2008):
I suspect that your being pregnant, or even having a sexual relationship, outside of marriage may run contrary to his family's values. He is afraid to admit that he hasn't met his parents' expectations.
In most (but, admittedly, not all) situations like this the parents are actually more supportive than their children expect. Did you see the movie "Juno", about a pregnant High School girl? Her parents were initially angry and disappointed in her - but eventually became very helpful and supportive of her. OK, that's a fictional story and you are not an underage child but I think that pattern is common. I'm a parent myself, with kids in your age range. I haven't personally faced that situation (yet!) but I've been around quite a few families as they went through it.
A more important question is the long-term plan. What will be the future relationship among you, your guy, and the child? Is marriage in the picture? If so, your guy is almost certainly feeling some degree of "entrapment" by the pregnancy - whether it's true or not. If there won't be marriage, what obligations does your B/F have? Will he set you up in an apartment and vanish? Stick around for 3 months - a year - until the kid starts school - or he/she completes Medical School and is established in a practice? I suspect this is not only unresolved between you and your B/F - and contributing to the detachment between you two - but he's also afraid that his parents may not agree with the direction you two will take.
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A
female
reader, MissMuffet +, writes (20 December 2008):
MissMuffet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat does seem very helpful. We don't live together at the moment. He said he's looking for apartments for us, I would like to make sure all is well between us before we start living together though so there no hostility, you know? I've been having dreams about telling his parents. In one dream I walk past them moving my hand over my stomach hoping they'd see my belly, lol they did but then I woke up. I'll definitely talk to him this weekend if he comes over.Thank you very much, if you have anything more to say about the situation please feel free to respond again. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I think you need to take matters in your own hands. Go with him to his parents house, insist if you have to, give him a chance to tell them and if he doesn't then just tell them yourself. In a positive way, like "I have something wonderful to tell you, we're having a baby", you can say the reason you didn't tell them sooner was because you wanted to make sure the baby was fine and healthy as the early stages of pregnancy are a bit risky for the baby and that you're sorry but isn't this a lovely surprise, you're going to be grandparents hurray etc etc etc.
If you can't get to their house with him, call them and invite them over for tea. Do you live with him? You can invite them and then let him know they are coming round.
Would these plans work in your circumstances?
As for him being distant, its quite normal for him to act this way with the baby coming and everything but I suggest you just talk to him. Sit him down and just ask him if hes ok, if hes worried about being a father and if he has any other things on his mind. Try and be as approachable as possible, so its not daunting for him to tell you exactly whats on his mind. for example "I've been feeling a little nervous about being a parent, I wondered if you were worried about it as well?" So he doesn't feel like hes letting you down in any way, that you feel the same as each other and then you will have built a little bridge towards him as well which might help bring him closer.
What do you think?
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