A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Need some advice-if you're suspicious about your OH's online activities, do you raise it with them and ask to see their inbox, or snoop?I know snooping is unethical, but what if I say I'm concerned and he deletes the evidence? Back story is that I've been with my bf 4 yrs. A mutual friend alerted me to his sexually explicit texts to an old work colleague they both knew 5 months in. I took some days away from him and he grovelled for forgiveness. I was in love at the time and after a serious chat, I took him back. He did a similar thing at 1.5 yrs after a work colleague textes him saying she was masturbating (!) and when he replied with ibterest, she mocked him saying she was joking and asking where I was-again, I found out through a mutual friend. I let this one slide and I don't know why:/ So at 2 yrs he asks me to marry him after asking me to move in with him for one year before that. I had reservations but said yes to both as I didn't want to hurt him but said I would prefer a long engagement. He got rid of his Facebook account shortly after as he said he'd been hacked and I was kinda relieved as this is how he'd contacted the women previously. So I forgot about it all and things seemed good between us.So now we're living together, engaged and our first baby is due on our 4th anniversary. He reinstated his Facebook account a few months back and I was fine until I saw in my notification list that he had become FB friends with the woman who nearly wrecked things 5 months in:/ I confronted him immediately. He said he saw no issue with it as he's learnt his lesson. But I asked him to block her and he did.So I'm obviously feeling pretty unattractive now I am pregnant and I know hormones can be up and down. He's not being very supportive emotionally or practically even though it was him that pushed me into having a baby. And he doesn't like that I am tired a lot and not wanting sex right now.But he keeps becoming FB friends with pretty young female work colleagues right now and recently changed his FB profile pic to an attractive one of him instead of his old jokey one.I am feeling insecure about it.It might be crazy of me but I just want to reassure myself that there's nothing going on. If I snoop I know I will probably see something hurtful. If I ask him, he'll get angry that I don't trust him and may or may not let me see his messages. I've tried ignoring my feelings and telling myself I being irrational but I feel I need proof that nothing is going on:/Please help. What should I do? I have tried hard to trust him since the stuff that happened but this has just triggered my insecurities.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Update from OP:so I did it-I snooped and found nothing bad! I think I just need to try and trust in him. Is that better than snooping again at some point?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): OP here - thanks for the advice. I don't think he'd ever physically cheat but he definitely likes female attention for validation. I think I either accept yhat about him and assume he will be being inappropriate and not bother to snoop, or I snoop, probably find something upsetting, confront him and risk losing the family we've started to put together :/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): go and do some digging yourself, that is my advice. Like someone else said if he has nothing to hide what is the problem? He is previous history so find out quietly what he is up to, and then you can make an informed choice about what to do. Also dont blame the other woman for "wrecking" your relationship 5 months in, he himself chose this and honestly you deserve better. I wish you the best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): "What should I do?"Unfortunately, your suspicions are well-founded so there's not much you can do other than accept the reality that he is who he is (a lying, disrespectful, manipulative con artist who's never going to change), and respond accordingly. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and get away with it because you've given him no reason to believe otherwise; he's talked you into taking him back twice after similar incidents, he's talked you into shacking up with him, he's talked you into becoming "engaged," and he's talked you into having an out-of-wedlock child. By continuously giving in to him you're only enabling him so he has no incentive to modify his behavior. Best advice I can offer is to prepare for the very likely possibility of an eventual long-term future as a single mother, because once the baby is born his online activities will only escalate and lead to offline activities if they haven't already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): I had a boyfriend who was very secretive about his internet activity and his cell phone and a large part of his life, really. While I was with this guy, I remember being out one night, and having a small argument about his secretiveness. The owner of the place we were at made a comment in reference to our argument and said, in disagreeance with my boyfriend's mentality, that his wife had access to everything he owned. Knew all his passwords, could access his cellphone anytime, and he emphasized that's the way it should be as he has nothing to hide from her. And gladly gives her access to everything of his in order to give her security and peace of mind. Of course, my boyfriend thought the guy was an idiot. And thought that was absolutely absurd. And looking back, of course he did. It turns out my boyfriend was sleeping with my "best friend" and ended up running off with her. He couldn't let me find out without having his way with me first. So he manipulated me to thinking that I was "crazy and jealous" for wanting more access and information about his personal doings. I completely disagree with this argument that "snooping" is oh so terrible. When you are in a serious relationship with someone, neither of you should have anything to hide. And if you feel that something is not quite right, and feel insecure about it, and have tried to discuss it with your partner to no avail, then I see nothing wrong in doing some digging of your own. I wish I had this mentality while I was in that relationship. It would've saved me a lot of heartache. The problem here, however, is that you already KNOW that he is a cheater and yet you continue to move forward with him. You are getting yourself more and more deeply involved with a guy who cannot keep his dick in his pants. What are you going to do, spend the rest of your life shooing away your competition? They are always going to be there because he himself invites these other women into his life, with no regard for you. You are going to spend the rest of your life checking up on him, always try to stay one step ahead of him to prevent him from cheating on you. You shouldn't have to try at all to prevent a guy from being faithful. Your problem at this point is way past snooping. You already know. What difference is it going to make in your relationship when you snoop and find out he is still up to his same old cheating ways? Are you going to leave him with a baby in tow? What do you plan to do with this information? Which in reality is old news. Cause if nothing is going to change, if you are not going to throw the dog to the curb where he belongs, FOR GOOD, then why even bother snooping. Just continue to live with it as you have been doing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): Snoop. If he has nothing to hide then why is he. There is nothing unethical about revealing ones innocence.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): Well, simply put a woman's pregnancy hormones do not mix with an incurable flirt.But I suspect you would be feeling this way even if you weren't pregnant because of his past behaviour, which you let slide. And I do understand. Love makes us do things like that. We want to chalk it up to an indiscretion or it meant nothing or I am imagining things to he will change to he really does love me and on and on.I am not sure if he is cheating or will cheat but it is obvious that he likes female attention and keeping women friends. Is he an insecure type? Does he feel he needs validation all the time? I think he is putting himself in a position when he should not be in this position to begin with. Deactivating FB was a good thing. He should not be on it again. Men who are friendly and flirty types are playing with fire.Men do cheat when their sexual needs are not being met. Not saying your BF specifically but in general. And men do cheat when their wives or girlfriends are pregnant. They still love them but generally separate sex and love. Happens all the time and it is really wrong. It is the guy who got her knocked up and should be much more understanding and grin and bear the consequences for awhile. A man can satisfy himself. But no, why would he if he can have a quick fling? So if you can try to have sex with him and pleasure him, you won't be worrying so much. A lot of women have higher libidos when they are pregnant. You can still have sex and good sex when pregnant. Maybe not as often but it does not have to stop altogether. And believe me, pregnant women are sexy! You included. So believe that! Rock his world. Offer him sex. Surprise him. Be a GODDESS. And nobody else will exist. Try that.I do have to say though that when a work colleague texts your man telling him she is masturbating, this would draw the line. First, how would she ever be THAT comfortable doing something like this with him if he was not encouraging her? He may have been more friendly to her than he was letting on. She is bad news and he needs to have no contact with her. But you will always worry about the next girl... and the next.It is tough to be in your position. You are in a serious relationship and expecting a baby with this guy. You don't want to be hurt. You don't want to be trapped. You want a man who is worthy of you. But the red flags were already there and you chose to go forward anyway. Even if he was cheating, it is a difficult situation you are in because you are pregnant and expecting a child together.He may like having the security of a serious commitment and family but he also seems to have an itch he likes to scratch. Has he cheated? Will he? Nobody can answer those questions. Especially the former without absolute proof. Will he? Well, I think it is possible based on his past history. But it does not necessarily mean he will.The question is can you trust him because trust is the key element in a successful relationship. Without it, your relationship will fail. Either from you accusing him too much and him having enough or from you not being able to live with the paranoia and worry.I understand insecurities. I guess you can just let go and trust him UNTIL or IF he does something that shows he is not worthy of your trust. Or leave... which is more difficult, because you don't trust him and maybe should not have stayed with him once you saw the earlier signs. That all depends on how strong you are, how much family support you have and how you feel about him.I was in a similar position. I decided to trust. He had never done anything concrete to prove cheating. A lot of it was my own insecurity. And my own imagination. And I would start to predict the future and make up scenarios in my head and they drove me literally crazy. So I stopped. I distanced myself from those feelings. Just tried to be more even with my emotions. And this helped. Just think that whatever happens will happen no matter how much you worry, how much you tell him that his actions bother you. None of it matters. If a man wants to cheat, he will. But you can control your own actions. Either trust him or leave. I don't think you should ever stay in a relationship because of children if the relationship is not making you happy and you are not feeling valued and fulfilled. And especially if you cannot trust your partner and feel in your heart that they are capable of cheating on you. Only you know in your heart if you think he is.
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