A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In September I started a new course at university. From the very first meeting there was a guy I clicked with. Within a week he'd asked me out on a date and we began seeing each other. As well as seeing each other every day, we'd spent most evenings together. I was really happy.Things progressed to a sexual relationship, and after a few weeks I discovered he was into very rough/BDSM type sex. This was fine, as I am too, but he pushed it further than things i'd ever done before, I let him slap, choke, spit on me, pin me down etc. Again, I enjoy this type of thing, but it was only because I trusted him that i'd let him "degrade" me like this during sex.Everything was great, except we never spoke about making things official. Over time I discovered that he had some personal issues, and suffered from depression. The person I spent time with on my own was completely different to the facade he put on during the day time.Despite constant texting/calling every day, since about a month ago things went a bit quiet. The workload has picked up, but even so it seemed strange.I bumped into him at a club, and he was extremely drunk. He basically ignored me, whilst dancing with/buying drinks for all of my friends (who he knows, but not well). He was also grabbing girls and just getting really close to them, whilst glancing across at me all the time. In short, it was a very obvious attempt to make me jealous. I couldn't understand why he'd bother doing that if he wasn't interested in me anymore.After that I was very upset and felt used, so I didn't speak to him for two weeks. After that, I figured that as adults who have to see each other everyday, we should sort things out.I called him, and he flat out denyed ignoring me or doing anything in the club, instead just saying he was busy with work...I'm at a loss what to do here. I hate him but I love him. He's now always with a certain girl on our course and people keep saying they're together. I don't know whether that's true or not but it still hurts to see them. I'm not sure what to think, or how to get over him if I have to see him all the time, especially with another girl... any advice? Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Time and distance are the cure-all for mistakes and regrets.
Like awful Gothic tattoos we get in a drunken stupor during spring-break; or waking-up in our own puke. We see things differently in a sober-state and in the daylight.
You exposed the freaky-side of yourself to someone you weren't emotionally-close or romantically-committed to. You "allowed" him to do things to you that "you" consider degrading or demeaning; but also admitted that you were into it. You were freak-buddies.
Your problem is, you feel now that you gave-up too much too soon. Don't dwell on the morning-after remorse, after the fact. You know his dirty little secrets as well. He isn't likely to be looking for much of anything meaningful. As far as the girl? He has to always keep up his facade and maintain respectful appearances. You see through it. What bothers you most is, he can see through you as well. Don't worry about that. You are the master of your own fate. Don't empower him, by allowing those activities to translate into your social-status or public-standing. That was behind closed-doors. Bedroom secrets. If he points one finger, three point back! She'll see through him too, eventually.
Lesson learned here. Don't do things you can't emotionally deal with afterward; or hold your head-up, when you're in the daylight. You clicked, but there was nothing substantially meaningful between you. Knowing he had some feeling behind it, will not make you feel any better. He's a fake, and you can do better than that. We all have a hidden freak within us; some are brave enough to let it out.
But you have to be strong enough to keep it tamed. Somehow, I feel you've learned how to do that; and seeing him each day will reinforce it.
Next time, for your sake, put things in proper order.
Establish the emotional-attachment, develop mutual-trust, form an exclusive commitment-agreement; then open-up intimacy according to whatever lifestyle you share. Going to sexual-extremes before discussing anything official, will establish your connection on a purely physical foundation. Women, more often then us men; attach emotion to the act of sex.
Don't feel ashamed, you know as much about him as he knows about you. Don't feel jealous; because there was nothing official between you. The jealousy is based solely on your regret for taking it as far as he wanted to go. Physically, you can't take it back. Mentally, you can. By not attaching any emotion to it. After the fact, is too late.
Don't allow guys to push you beyond what is totally pleasurable, and within your sexual comfort-zone. There maybe (or is) a subconscious feeling he took advantage of you, or took it too far. That feeds into shame. Causing your sexual-remorse. Now you wish you had something official; because you feel that would keep your secrets between you. You'll know he likes you, and doesn't look down on you instead. He's not that important. He was your guinea pig and instructor. Now you know how far not to go!
Don't punish yourself for "allowing yourself" to experiment beyond your comfort-zone. In the future, limit the use of alcohol(or illicit substances)to lower inhibitions. I went to college too, I know these things! There was a substance involved. Deny it, I'll believe you.
Maintain your ability to say "no," and mean it. You are not totally-submissive by nature. Only when you want to be. I can sense that. The subconscious mind will mess with you when you allow people to push you beyond your set value-system, or boundaries; or to that grey area where you wanted to say "no," but didn't. Now you wonder what he thinks of you? HE'S IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE YOU, OR ANYBODY ELSE!!!
I've elaborated on all this; because I've been there, and I read the sub-context in your post. I have no experience in degradation or S&M; but rough-sex, I do! Seeing him reminds you, and it makes you uncomfortable. You feel he's judging you. Not as much as you're judging yourself. You fear he will disclose very private or intimate things about you. Not really, he'd rather be the center of attention. He's not the type to share the spotlight. Not with what he's into. If he keeps up a facade, there's a reason for that.
As I said, this will take time; and you can keep your distance. Your subconscious-mind needs time to come to terms and release you from your guilt. Seeing him makes you feel you're walking the "walk of shame." It was a fling, and that's it. You are no less of a person now, then you ever were. You let the freaky side out. That's what we do when in college. That's how we learn to set our values, and create boundaries to shape our overall character.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 March 2015):
 Nothing wrong in liking what you like. NOTHING. We all have out little kinks. It's just that I would NOT call it degrading if it's something I like. If that makes sense.
I'd just save those more "advanced" ways of sexual expression with someone you are in a relationship with versus someone you are sorta just messing around with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeypie!To answer your question; I only call it degrading because that is effectively what he's doing to me- except it's an act. I genuinely do enjoy it because I can experiment with this type of rough treatment without it being "real" as such. It's a roleplay, and sometimes we switch it up and decide who's going to be the dominant one etc etc.We are both very theatrical, and it just makes it more fun. I definitely pretend to be scared/in pain because nothing he does really hurts me, but I know it's what he wants to see. Equally he pretends to be very dominating and in control, when he's not like that any other time. Usually we'd end up curled up watching a romcom straight after. I dont expect everyone to understand this- even I don't fully. Just something I enjoy!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 March 2015):
Chalk this one up to a learning experience. And I have to say getting into "rough sex" with a guy you aren't even dating? IS NOT a good idea. He will TAKE how he treats you in bed to how he will treat you OUT of bed. Which is why, he is treating you like dirt.
Next time (next guy) DATE him a while, get to know him BEFORE the sex. Not discover thing such as depression way down the line (which isn't why he treated you the way he did.)
He may or may not be with that girl. Not much you can do. He may or may not be able to stay with her long term.
Focus on your friends, school work and family.
He was NOT for you.
I have to ask (purely curiosity talking here) why do you like the degrading sex acts? Is it the pleasure in pain, freedom in submission, empowerment in letting their men do exactly as they please. I ask because I would NOT personally call something DEGRADING if I claimed to like it.
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