A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for nearly four years and I love him very much. We do have our problems from time to time but that's because "one" of us has anger issues. He has hit me one time after I slapped him but I had a good reason to get physical. He's not the most "innocent" person and does so many things he shouldn't do but I don't mention them because I love him. for the past two years he has been living in other states while I live at home. I must admit I have cheated on him because he's made me feel neglected. I was so scared to tell him but I did and he forgave me. Now I'm afraid he's being unfaithful to me. I've found things in his car that don't belong to me before whenever he came hom on the weekends to visit. I confronted him one time but he said that a girlfriend of his buddy's must havae left it there. That seemed reasonable but things progressed...marks on his body...text messaging all the time while he's with me...I don't know how to explain his behavior. I told him I was scared that we were drifting apart and I made him move back home to be with me. I told him I missed him a lot and that I wanted to be near him. I hope I'm not making a mistake. I want to know if it's worth the effort? Four years is a long time and I'm afraid to just throw that away. I'm pretty sure he did cheat but I have faith that he won't do it again if I keep an eye on him. Should I keep quiet about my suspicions? Did I do the right thing making him move? I'm very confused but I can't let him go. Is he a good guy? Can he change? Can we make this work? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2009): Are you kidding? Your relationship seems to me like its been over for the past four years. You admit to cheating, I'll presume on more than one occasion, because you feel neglected? Sometimes I get mad at my girlfriend, we argue, we yell, it even went sofar one time that she dumped a glass of milk in my dinner, though she says it was an accident (it probably was, honestly). You know what, though? I never hit her, she's never hit me. Ever. I didn't go out and bang a hottie, just because I didn't get dinner that night and I was mad about it. What we did was wait a few hours to calm down, then talked, and kinda felt things out. Ended up getting a pizza delivered, and I had sex that night that I didn't have to feel guilty about.
You don't seem like you have the maturity to have a functioning relationship. I don't condone his hitting you, but you even admit that he did it AFTER you hit him. Doesn't make him right, but it makes him a heck of a lot less wrong.
You sound like a little kid with a puppy that loves it so much, you'll end up smothering it til it bites you.
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 September 2009):
 I'm giving you the side eye right now, Kate Gosselin. Frankly, I want to know if you're going to change too. Oh poor you, you forgave him for things you won't mention...after two sentences of pointing out awful things he did. Nice job on the quotation marks too; a very subtle way of putting him down again.
The trust in your relationship is gone, and you need to take responsibility for the things you have done as well to destroy it. Plenty of people feel neglected but don't cheat. Plenty of people get angry with their partners but don't slap them. Neither of those are acceptable no matter how many excuses you have.
Perhaps you can make this work, but you both have to compromise and let the past go. Treat each other with mutual respect and love from this day forward. However, there's no guarantee it will work after all the damage that has been done.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ffogalilly +, writes (13 September 2009):
If I was in a situation such as this, I would confront him about it. I can see you've been together for 4 years, that is a long time and you feel like you cannot start over. You're stronger than you think, if he's cheating he will do it again, and he will get better at hiding it. People can change if they are willing, its up to him if he wants to change. But if a man ever put his hands on me in a way that I did not like, I would leave him.
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