A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am engaged and planning the wedding next year. But off late I have been having recurring fears about divorce. I am worried about my husband (to be) falling out of love with me when we grow older. Not because i will stop loving himbut because I am no longer attractive or something? I realize this kind of thoughts are because of my previous failed relationship that ended after so many years. may be deep inside I don’t believe in true love.. :( Any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): The fear of failure and mistakes is in the back of all our minds. It's called having a conscience! We have free-will and the ability to make choices. We have a brain and consciousness that allows us to carry out our will.
You are fully aware of what could cause failure in a marriage; so that is your motivation to do your best to make your marriage work. You must learn to have trust, or love has no nourishment to survive on. No trust, no love!
You cannot foresee the future; however, if you're foolish, you can create "self-fulfilling prophesy." If you believe it will fail, you will do things to sabotage your relationship to satisfy the unsubstantiated fears that you've built-up in your mind. You want things to be predictable or perfect; and you want guarantees of success.
Paranoia and anxiety will make you act foolishly and impulsively in an attempt to get a foreseeable outcome. Suspicion, distrust, and insecurity will reign, and the marriage will end exactly as you predicted. Mainly because you made it so. Even if it's all his fault...news flash, you'll survive! Divorce is horrid, but you have to get married first to see how things turn-out!
Young people want everything immediately. They want guarantees. They live impetuously for the sake of fun; but are overly-cautious when it comes to coping with life, and the usual challenges all humans face. They want happiness 24/7, never to feel sadness, or to hear the word "no." Rejection is considered something fatal; and promises are simply made to get what you want. Welcome to life and adulthood!
If any of this is true, how has humanity survived so long? It survives due to reality; and we end-up facing it whether we want to, or not. Have faith! Life offers the good and the bad. You must be thankful for blessings, or they'll dry-up!
It's normal to be scared; but deal with it. Life has no guarantees. Listen to the wisdom of experience from your elders, and those who know. Keep the faith, and you'll learn. Seek advice, read, study, and learn from experience.
You're not ready for marriage, if you're going in with doubt and fear. If you have no faith in love. You don't truly believe love is real; and you have a very negative opinion of men. You have to change that mindset, my dear. Nobody's perfect. That includes both you and me!
It's exhausting viewing how negatively women think of men; and can't see their own flaws and contribution to the failures in relationships. Read the posts from men, and see what we experience; and how we see things from our point of view. We share all the same fears, and feel the same pain.
Proportionately, more women write DC than men. Not because we don't care about relationships; but men and women process and express emotions differently. Wisdom comes with experience. "Live and learn," as they say!
It's not divorce you fear, it is the lack of faith that real love exists; and that men are truly capable of it. WE ARE!!!
There is a common notion that only women want a good relationship, they're all victims, and can see things we men can't possibly see. Thus men avoid commitment, and dodge this insanity; if that is what men have to endure. Freedom is a better choice; if relationships bring misery! Good men get the same treatment as the bad. Constantly dealing with insecurity, pessimism, and cynicism; and trying to prove ourselves against all futility.
Alas, subjected to the bitterness and scorn; not caused by our own doing. Taking blame for bad choices previously made, and walking on eggshells; while pandering to poorly-managed insecurities, and unrealistic expectations. Yes, there are some terrible men out there; but there are some terrible women too. So we're even! Oddly, humanity survives it all!
Love requires courage and taking some risks. If you fail a few times, you keep trying until you get it right. You own your own weaknesses and mistakes, and you fix them. That's why we marry as adults; because we are expected to mature to some degree before we do it.
Love, marriage, and all relationships require that you have faith; and the willingness to make it survive and endure the challenges life throws at us. As team, you face it together.
Being in one relationship for 28 years (my partner died of cancer); I learned that love can endure many things. I didn't fear falling-out of love; I feared being foolish and not living-up to my own responsibilities. It takes two!
So I've become a daily work in-progress; because age, time, and life-experiences are changing and testing me. I learned a long-time ago that whatever God sends my way, He is testing and strengthening me; to make me able to withstand whatever storms, conflicts, or tribulations that occur in my life. I'm battle-scarred, yet battle-ready; and I love as strongly as I ever have. I lost one love to death, and found yet another! I have love to give, and get a lot in return!
Life brings no guarantees. Love lasts as long as we both work together to make it so. You have to believe in love, and that it is something real and tangible; before you can truly feel it, and give it. Yes, he might fall-out of love. How can you guarantee it won't be you instead? He's taking that risk, and proved his willingness to do that by proposing to you. So enjoy the love that exists in the present. Prepare for what the future may bring. You have love NOW! You can only live in the present. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here!
If you can't control your fears, postpone the wedding. Don't get to the alter and decide to change your mind! Don't marry that man and make him miserable with your insecurities.
Insecurity kills relationships. I've said this thousands of times!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you that made me feel so much better! My previous boyfriend cheated on me, just when we were beginning to talk marriage. I never realized how much it has affected me as a person and my self-esteem.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 December 2018):
 Unless you are obese and unhealthy, women remain attractive for a long, long time. You may gain 10 pounds or more, some stretch marks but you also gain wisdom and understanding. These will be the qualities that hold your marriage together. Maybe you were cheated on by your last partner? Plenty of beautiful people get cheated on. It has little to do with attractiveness but the quality of the guy you picked. Your fiancé made a big commitment to you. If he is serious about it, he would actually be hurt that you suspect he would cheat on you too. He wants you to think highly of him.
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