A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 15 and I have recently gotten myself a boyfriend and he is 16. Lately I've noticed that maybe my feelings for him aren't there completely for him. I mean I've liked him before and everything was great but I feel it deep in my heart that I'm just going out with him to get back at his ex which is 18. I mean I don't like the girl because when I liked him, she went out with him. She didn't know I liked him but it pissed me off that she had something that I wanted. He knew that I liked him when he asked her out...but he swears that he was drunk when he asked her out. But some friend of hers pointed out that my bf must have gotten drunk every single day for 2 years. My bf denies it all but I think he's with me bc he wants to get back at his ex. But he swears and swears that he never liked her but I found later that he did in fact love her and he even asked her to marry him. How am I suppose to feel when my bf is secretly still clinging to his ex gf? I saw him when he went through the hardships trying to have her back...for some reason he kept pulling back bc he was scared to "hurt" her. I saw when he cried and cut himself for her...and her, I noticed that she slowly got over him. The reason being was because he in fact cheated on her...with me. I had forced him to kiss me...because I wanted to ruin their relationship bc I found out that he had given his everything to her and she the same back. And for some reason she always stood quiet about it...she swallowed her tongue. She never hated me or held a grudge from him. And she did, in fact, forgive him but they broke up. After they were on "break" he kept telling her that he loved her. And I was stuck because I was being the "bad guy" and I'm not sorry. I hated seeing them kissing. I hated seeing them holding each other and I hated seeing him look at her as if he loved her. They had a big fight on a saturday because he said he was once again confussed about what he wanted and she did something different this time...she turned her back to him and he got angry at her and hated her for rejecting him, and for the first time, his "love"...the next day he asked me out and I immidiatly said "yes" and I don't know why. Its obvious what it is but I didn't care if I hurt him or what his feelings for me are...I just wanted her to break apart again bc I just didn't like her. When she found out that we were together...she called him out and said around the lines of this, "I can't believe that I didn't see it from the beginning...you little hypocrite! You little pathetic coward! U talk behind her back and yet u rather go to all lengths to piss me off and get back at me. I stood quiet for a year and I'm not gonna be quiet this time! I regret you! You're nothing but a kid to me..." That's what I heard from the other room. And I kept thinking to myself just how much he did talk behind my back and if he was with me to get back at her?...but then again I couldn't be a hypocrite and say that I wanted to see her break down too...well she never did. Apparently she had gotten over him fairly quickly and it pissed me off...I didn't do enough damage. When my bf and I see her I try not to pay attention to her....but him, he's a different story...he stares at her...but he doesn't say anything. And I don't know what to think? What do I do? I hate her and I want her to feel crushed...how do I do that? Am I really the "bad guy" here?
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Look anonymous, I don't know what else to say to you. But I can say that I do think you really need to seek counseling. I had to mark one of your responses "unapproved" yesterday and edit the response you have below because we cannot post text that refers to violence in the way you've written.Because you were so graphic in how you want to (and in some cases already have) carry out some of your actions - to yourself and to this other girl especially - and also from the other posts that were approved here, I strongly suggest counseling of some sort. The feelings you have are not good for you. Perhaps you would like to talk to a counselor in your school if you feel as though you can't speak with your parents.You shouldn't have to live with these horrible feelings festering in your mind. I'm not trying to be nasty to you - I'm trying to help you. You can learn to overcome these feelings of yours. Please, don't laugh at my suggestion, I am truly concerned for your wellbeing after reading some of your responses.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHaha. Yeah, I need couselling? Haha, yeah. Whatever. Can't you see? Can't you see for what it really is? Its all her fault...its all her fault. I want to hurt her. I want to see her cry because when she had him I cried and I hated her for making me feel like that!! I want her to feel the way I did!
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (12 January 2007):
First off, I have to say that I completely agree with Lilly in all that she's stated.
Why do you care about this girl so much? Maybe you should strive to be more like her. She seems very mature and does not let people like you mess with her emotions. She stands strong, proud and is able to live her life the way *she* wants to, not according to the mind games of anyone else.
I know that you're not going to do this, but I feel compelled to suggest it anyway. I think you need to seek counseling for your anger problems. Perhaps you could speak with a parent about this. It's not healthy for you to be so enraged over things like this. In counseling, you could learn how to better control your emotions, so they don't control you. I think you would be a much happier individual and you wouldn't end up hurting people for your own sick pleasures.
Again, I stress that you need to let this boy go. You are not with him for him, rather you are with him to USE him to make the other girl angry. How can you do that to someone? That's awful! Do you not see that this is a terrible thing to do to someone? If you were in his shoes, how would you feel? Honestly think about that.
It seems to me it's time for you to start fresh with a MEANINGFUL relationship and seek counseling for your anger issues. You shouldn't be filled with such hate (or the idea that it's okay to use people to fuel these feelings).
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (12 January 2007):
 Obviously you don't want advice from any of us because you have completely dismissed and refused to acknowlege anything that any of us posted. It certainly does verify to us how immature and genuinely selfish you really are, we all believed that we could help you when you posted and asked for our help. That is not possible. Do exactly what it is you feel you need to do to win. Be the villin, and continue on your self destructive path of vindication, this is one of those cases where you will only learn when the consequences of your actions eventually come back and burn you in the end. I am simply sorry for your, so called bf, for getting tangled up in a situation like this, and sorry for his ex-gf that she is being attacked with no provication. I am sorry for you that this is what you need to do to make yourself feel better. Eventually this will all self destruct and you, hopefully, will be able to look back on this and realize what you have done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here's the deal. She finally found out about the lies. The lies I've been telling my friends. I don't want them to know the truth. I don't want them to know that I was the bad guy. I told them that my bf and her were "nothing" (obviously they were)...that she was the one plotting against me. Well, she found out...I don't know how but she did. She saw us together and I kissed my bf to make her jealous...I never knew she had truely gotten over him. I don't know why but I don't mean to actually do it, it just happens subconsciencely. My bf can't know that I'm lying about him...I'm just sooo scared that she'll tell him something. My friend tells me that she won't bc she doesn't care. I mean, why doesn't she care? She should! I know I would! But, am I really being immature? I mean, she's the one that isn't facing her problems....why doesn't she tell me something? She's scared of me...she's scared that I have the upper hand... My bf is quiet when he sees her...why? Why does he care for someone that didn't love him back (if he ever loved her)??? Why does he look at her and pretend everything is okay when its not...??? I just don't want her to win. Bc I know this is what she wants, she wants to see him unhappy...I mean, he did kinda betrayed her...But, I don't want her to know what I have in store for her. I just hate her.
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A
female
reader, fueledxhate +, writes (11 January 2007):
Jerk! Geez...what the hell is the matter with you? This girl didn't even hurt you in one way or the other...how would u like it if someone tried to do the things u did to her to u? I know you wouldn't like it...karma! What goes around comes around. And if you haven't noticed he's lying to you! He asked her to marry him and yet u think that he never loved her? Geez, you're really a pathetic excuse for a girl. She obviously is more mature that u bc she didn't waste one minute with u, in the end u lost. Yeah, stina is right ur only pissed off bc u didn't get ur way. Move on and stop waisting ur time with kid games....
I'm more worried for this girl....she was innocent since the beginning. Why don't you go and ruin ur own life, geez.
Why don't u just break up with this guy and leave them both alone. And yet u pride urself with going out with someone that is using you, dang ur really something, aren't you? It seems to me that u ruined a great relationship, home-wrecker....
Have a nice day :)
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (11 January 2007):
You're gonna get a Mom reply on this one. Sorry you asked for advice/opinion, so I'll give you one.
Yeah, you are a "bad guy" here. Why on Earth would you be so vindictive? She did nothing but date a guy you "liked." Why would she need permission from you to do that?! It's not like she broke the two of you up, you didn't even have him then. And now that you have him, you only want him to hurt her? What a messed up situation. I'd suggest you re-read your post and think about what you said and what you are doing. I am simply stunned at the immaturity of this... I would expect something like this out of a 10 year old, not someone on the verge of becoming a woman.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (10 January 2007):
Anonymous,
Leave this poor guy and girl alone. The only reason you're with him is because you want to piss off the other girl who really didn't have anything against you in the first place. Are you getting any satisfaction out of being a brat? No! So stop being one and find someone who you genuinely like and who likes you back.
Just because she dated someone you liked is no reason for you to be a jerk to either of them. How would you like it if someone "forced" a kiss on a boyfriend of your's and caused you guys to split up because she "hated" you? Why do you want to make this poor girl feel like crap? It sounds like they really did have strong feelings for one another before you wormed your way into their relationship. Now look where it's left everyone. He's confused, she's hurt, and you're still pissed off.
Look, you need to just cool off a bit and figure out what you really want in a guy. You aren't always going to get what you want, and if you think things through rationally and figure out how to go about getting what you want (even if that means not getting it) then people won't point fingers at you and say you're the bad guy. It's usually upsetting when a person doesn't get what s/he wants, but it's not like your world is ending. It just means that you're going to have to move on. And in this case, it means finding someone who *wants* to be with you as much as you want to be with him.
I suggest distancing yourself from this guy and apologizing for the agony you've put him and this girl through. Be a responsible, mature young woman if you don't want people to have a negative perception of you. Accept what has happened, and move on. It seems like that's the only way you're going to stop being so angry - at least in this particular case.
And I think instead of asking "Am I really the "bad guy" here?" you need to go through your actions and then ask yourself "Am I really the good guy here?"
Take care.
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