A
male
age
30-35,
*jguy01
writes:So my girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now, we are both in college (i am 20 she is 19) we hit it off from the start and have known eachother for about a year and a half. Dated all school year, basically lived with eachother, slept together all the time. We know everything about eachothers past, the good, the bad, the ugly. I am great friends with all of her friends including the guys she has had sex with and who even have feelings for her too. This summer I had to come back home while she stayed out by where she lives (by the college). I explained from the start i am not the jealous type, I know she is I never expected anything from her other than an honest relationship (honest the way she thought was honest). So the last two weeks I have sort have turned over an unturned rock. She went to a friends house (who she had sex with in the past but I love the guy he is awesome) and when she got home we talked and told me about the panties she was wearing, jokingly i asked "oh did you wear them for BOB" she answered back no but was laughing. I sort of pressed the idea a bit and soon found out that yes guys flirt and hit on her a lot of the time. The idea didn't bother me at all. I wanted to know more about this, I was interested in how guys flirted with my girl and how she responded back. She is very attractive, about 5' 1" great curves and an amazing body. So I get it, guys like her but wow, I was a little surprised when she told me how many guys and how often, but again it didn't bother me at all. I told her I was okay with it, I told her she could even flirt back, that I didn't want to stop her from doing anything. I feel like that makes a better relationship, no secrets, no holds or restrictions on her. She feels bad because she isn't okay with me doing the same (she is very jealous) I tell her its okay, I really am okay with it. I dont have the type of girls around me that I would hit on and such.So we've talked about a 3some with another guy and shes thought about the idea and loved to think about it while she masturbated. So to a degree she likes the idea. I asked her if she'd rather have sex with a guy she finds attractive (we were talking about having group sex with a friend of ours but she responded with she wasn't sure because she doesn't find him attractive) she responded with yeah. I asked her if it had ever crossed her mind and she told me it did. She felt kind of weird telling me but I try my best to make her feel comfortable and she opens up greatly to me I love it. I told her I was honestly okay with it if she had sex with another guy, she then asked if I meant while I was there I told her yes, but I would also be okay with it if I wasn't present. I think this surprised her a bit. She said she just doesn't know how she should do with telling me about it, she said she might be too nervous.So I told her it would be okay if she didnt but I would prefeer her to tell me about it. I know a lot of you out there may think that I am insane for letting her do this, but I know what we have and what we have is not something that everyone has and it is not something I feel we will loose just because she has sex with another guy, yes if she got emotionally attached maybe it would cause a problem but if it is just physical and hormonal who am I to stop her. So I was wondering what you guys think, am I crazy for letting my girl be like this? I don't expect it in return and I explain many times to her I would never hold ANYTHING against her, I would never bring it up as a reason against her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): Just don't bullshit yourself about something. This is a one way street. She is probably never gonna wake up one day and be okay with you screwing other girls like you are letting her do other guys. If she was gonna be able to handle your flings like you handle hers then I think she already would be.
That kind of openness is not something that most people will ever grow into. Major league jealousy over sex outside the relationship is the normal way to be. It's not something she is likely to just "get over" because you have been so generous about it yourself.
A
male
reader, njguy01 +, writes (31 August 2010):
njguy01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Universe man and gabrielle stroker. It is not that I am wanting her to find better sex, again I know the type of sex she has had with these men in the past, I just feel like changing her is not my place in our relationship. We have been able to talk about it the last two days with out any little uproars and last night she even told me that she did have a few close encounters, at first she said she felt really bad but after we talked she said she was doing a lot better and understood what I was saying.
As much as it would be interesting to have the tables turned on me and allow me to do things even just flirt with other woman. I know the thought makes her sick and maybe down the long road it will happen.
Thanks for the help, I'm glad its only a few on here that when they don't see eye to eye with someone just totally throw the idea out
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I have to question why a 19 year old has to have so many partners. I think there are other issues here at stake. I don't envy you.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Unusual, but not unheard of. If it's something you're both comfortable with I guess that's fine, but I should warn you that introducing a third (or a fourth and so on) person into a relationship can often lead to issues in the long run.
I wouldn't call you 'crazy'. I've known men like you and if circumstances had been different might have married someone like you by now :)
Good luck, but be careful. It's not a road strewn with roses ahead of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I think you are not crazy and the way you are honest with her will help her be honest with you. I have a question for those who think you are insane or a whimp or whatever, how do you know that your girlfriend never cheated on you?
Well I know so many guys who cheat on their girlfriends and wives, on the other hand almost every girlfriend I had had cheated on me? I had sex with girls who had boyfriends and some were married
What does that tell you?
Open and honest relationship is the best way to go. just make sure you don't get a disease.
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A
female
reader, Philosophyzer +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Lots of couples experience sexually open relationships. This isn't an insanely "out there" idea. However, there are some things to consider.
Primal human beings were, indeed, promiscuous, extremely sexual, and very open about such relationships. Some people still retain this primal urge and it isn't extremely uncommon. However, like Universe Man said, this isn't the social norm anymore. Most people either are monogamous or claim to be. You must prepare yourself for backlash and for much misunderstanding from your peers and friends. But this is just a minor problem of sexually open relationships.
Frankly, I would not enter into a sexually open relationship if it is unbalanced such as yours. To take part in such a situation, you both must be sufficiently emotionally mature to handle it and the side effects that might ensue. If she is too selfish and jealous to allow you to do what she is allowed to do, then it is my personal opinion that she is truly not mentally fit for such a progressive relationship, at least at this point in time. These things must be reciprocated and mutual. If they aren't, it creates a strange imbalance of power and inequality in the relationship.
However, she can be eased into allowing you such privileges, just as Universe Man said. Test her fantasies. Ask her if she would ever consider entertaining the idea of you with another woman. Would she ever like being with you and another woman? What about just her and another woman? Just get her mind running! After some thought, she might like it. Also, with a bit of patience and time, she might warm up to the idea.
However, you must both agree that this is strictly sex. You two are committed to one another emotionally through love and your sexual experiences will not compromise that. You must build trust and remove any veils of dishonesty and ambiguity. You both need to have a serious conversation about this before entering into this tricky and sometimes sticky situation, or you might be very hurt in the end. You must promise to tell the truth at all times and that once a certain relationship seems to be moving beyond sex, it must be admitted and confronted. Though you two are negating the bounds of physical cheating, emotional cheating still exists. Telling her your goals and desires for your progressive relationship might also help her overcome her jealousy. If she sees you are committed to her and only her, she might not be so quick to judge and become devoured by her jealousy.
This isn't my cup of tea, personally, but I will not be a negative nay-sayer. These relationships do happen and some often are rather successful. However, we must be realistic and know that often feelings get hurt and trust gets destroyed in these sort of situations. Opening this door can result in it never being shut again. Be prepared to reap what you sow. However, you are both so young and this could just be a fun experimental time for you both. Just be safe with all sexual partners, be respectful of each others boundaries, and try to make this an equal and reciprocated experience, enjoyable for not just her, but also you. Enjoy yourself and enjoy your life. I wish you the best, my progressively sexual friend! ;-)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): If you can handle doing things this way then great for you. I sure could not. Would not.
But I would worry about your GF forming an emotional bond with another guy. It may threaten your relationship. If she has total freedom to screw other guys then it's rolling the dice. Keep rolling the dice long enough and sooner or later she may find someone that she likes more than you want her to. You may never have a problem with the open situation but what if the other guy does? What if he gives her an ultimatum to pick him or you, and she goes with him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): It seems a bit silly to me, I mean soon she's going to think she's allowed to basically sleep with other men without your permission and get away with it since you gave her permission to flirt back etc.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (31 August 2010):
Just seeing the first two answers come up after submitting my reply. Wow. Look at how they actually resort to calling you names. "Wimp," "idiot". They don't even have a point. They just have a completely emotional reaction to the idea. Do you see what you're up against with these kinds of progressive ideas?See, people who would let a lover go explore her sexuality in other men's bedrooms think something along the lines of, "I have a lot to offer any woman. Probably those other guys aren't going to measure up to me in a lot of ways. If they are even better than me, then good for her, she deserves it. But if that happens, I'll probably find someone even better than her!"People who react to the idea with fear and loathing, on the other hand, think, "She only likes me because I keep the bad parts hidden. Other guys are more deserving of her than me, and if she finds that out, I'm done for. And then I'll be alone forever. I'd better stop her from even thinking about other guys."By the way, it's called "polyamory," and it's not common, but not altogether uncommon either.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Better you than me, and your way would never be my way.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (31 August 2010):
I think the vast majority of modern American men, especially young ones, would probably say you're completely crazy.I, on the other hand, feel the same way as you do. If a girl is honest with me, I don't want to stop her from doing anything she wants to do. If I'm the only man a girl could ever want, well okay, but I mean how can I be everything to her? I am kind and smart and good looking. But I'm not a beefcake or a badboy or in a rock band or on a football team. Doesn't she want a little attention/affection/sex with some other type of guy every once in a while?There is a theory that prehistoric men and women were very sexually promiscuous, and not secretive about it. There are societies that live like that today. It honestly sounds like utopia to me. If you want to read about it, look up a book called "Sex at Dawn."My friends that I tell how I feel about sex generally think I'm crazy. I have no problem with that; I think modern society is crazy. My friends cheat on their wives and don't think twice. I could never do that. How can I keep huge parts of my sexuality hidden from the most important person in my life? I can't.If you're interested in converting your girlfriend to your way of thinking, you might ask her to try thinking about you with another woman while she masturbates. Maybe a woman she herself finds attractive and non-threatening. Or you might ask to show her what kind of porn you like. Tell her what turns you on about other women. Hopefully she can handle that.Anyway, keep doing what you're doing, and do it proud. The world needs more people thinking like this.
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A
male
reader, njguy01 +, writes (31 August 2010):
njguy01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell her and I just talked and you both wrong thanks anyway tho for the useless advice
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 August 2010):
 yes it's perfectly "normal" if you have No respect for her and no feelings for her to "let" her sleep around. So, if you're looking for "permision" to be an idiot sure you have permission but i think it's too ate anyway.
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