A
female
age
,
*ouweez23
writes:I am currently separated from my husband who left me last October saying he wasn't happy. He had been accusing me for months of trying to attract other men (which I wasn't) and spending no time with him (which again was not true). Shorlty afterwards he started dating a woman from work who he had had an emotional attachment to 3 years earlier. Just before Xmas we decided to try again and he admid to ahving sex with her whilst we had been separated. I went ballistic and we ended up having such a bitter fight that he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore and I petitioned for divorce. Immediately he started seeing this other woman again and one day I found them together when I called round at his house first thing in the morning. That really hurt and I realised that if I no longer had feelings for him I wouldn't feel so hurt. Then he defended the divorce so vehmently that it suggested that he still had feelings for me. So I decided that I wanted to try again.At first he was taken aback but he did take my phone calls, however, he was still seeing her. Then He went away on holiday supposedly so he could make up his mind what he wanted but didn't make that decision whilst he was away, but he did agree to go into counselling with me. Now he sees me regularly. We go to the gym together, we go on 'dates' together and we go out as a family (with our son) together, and we have made love several times. He has stopped seeing her socially (he works with her so he cannot stop seeing her altogether) but he still gets text messages and phone calls from her. She is unaware that we are in counselling or that we are seeing each other, and I am very tempted to tell her but I feel he would see that as an act of manipulation on my part.The situation at the moment is that he says he loves me but that he isn't 'in love' with me and that he still has 'feelings' for this other woman so cannot decide what he wants.I am off work with severe anxiety because of all this but I am prepared to hang on in there for now (we have been together 18 years), but not forever. My question is therefore, how long should I wait before I give up and move on.
View related questions:
divorce, move on, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I am 45 years old and been married for 16 years with 1 child. Exactly the same thing is happening to me. I SO understand what you are going through. My stress level is really high and my hair has started to fall out in handfuls with the uncertainty of it all. He too has a girlfriend who he continues to see. I have hung on in there for 18 months and during this time he has treated me and the child terribly going from the girlfriend to us and back again. He keeps telling me he has finished with her but clearly hasn't. Anyway that is about me not you.You are the 4th lady in a month who has written on these pages that the husband has said to her 'I'm not in love with you'. From terribly bitter experience that phrase seems to mean it is over but I don't have the guts to say it to your face. They also always want to leave a glimmer of hope there somewhere for us to reach out and grab onto. When my husband said this to me I tried everything that I could to change things about me that I know he didn't like, became more sexually interested, be more interested in his friends and family etc but after a year of this he acknowledged I'd made an effort but said that he still felt the same way. We also went for councelling and I very stupidly thought if you went to Relate it meant you were interested in saving your marriage - but no - he went so I could understand why he felt the way he did. The truth of the matter is that he had grown tired of me and wanted 'out'. You did absolutely the right thing by filing for divorce. I so wish I had done. Where your situation seems much more positive is the fact that he actively contested it which to my mind shows he does care a great deal about you. You must try and stay positive through all of this and eat and look after yourself. I lost a stone in 3 weeks and cannot think clearly. I too at the moment am incapable of work whereas husband is beavering away without a care in the world.I know you don't want to hear this because I didn't but truthfully I wouldn't give it any more time. He has had plenty of time to make it up to you and change but you are the one doing all the running and chasing. You need to put it into your mind that it is getting close to being over. I went backwards and forwards like this for months calling , trying to talk etc etc all to no avail. The only time he showed remote interest was when I backed off completely, never rang or did anything to him just was polite when he came to visit child and went and did own thing demonstrating that I was totally independent of him. My husband hated neediness and desperation and I showed both all the time whereas the girlfriend was a hard career woman with no understanding of what a wife and mother feels like. I allowed this to drag on and on and it was all I could think of. I understand you love him and want him back but you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. If you can truly control yourself and leave him alone I suggest you explain to him by e-mail exactly how you feel, that it has been going on long enough, that you still love him but can't put up with the girlfriend in the background all the time and that he needs to make a decision as you can no loner live like this. To do this tho' you must be very strong and stick to it. I personally think he will come to his senses. 18 years is a long time. Funnily enough my husband also went on holiday and told me he would think about us versus her when he was away and still came back with no choice made!. I wish I had been stronger and said enough is enough as it has made me so ill but I think if you put your foot down there may well be a better outcome for you.Really good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): Please read a book I am reading called 'women who love too much' it really helps you focus on why you are stuck in this cycle of clinging, pushing away and he is being abusive and disloyal. In the meantime you need to confront this other woman and she needs to know you are back together and trying to make it work. If he is not prepared to tell her, in front of you, then he is not being honest. I suggest you get a real grip of the situation because for it to be making you this ill, and trust me I know how you are feeling, it is not acceptable to you as a human being. He commits to you or its not good enough.
...............................
|
