A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I posted before but was asked for more context/ info, so I'm re-posting with more detail. I split up with my long term partner a few months ago - we broke up after a big argument which was involved some big misunderstanding then we both said things we regretted - he was depressed because of all the money he lost in his divorce (when i met him years ago he was estranged from his wife and she was with someone else but the divorce only became final a couple of years ago) - he seems to have had some sort of breakdown over his divorce - he has been verbally abusive in the past - whilst we were apart i saw it as a case of us being 'estranged' or on a break, rather than properly split up and we spoke every day on the phone and there was still affection etc there.There were various history issues, such as earlier in the year he had wanted to come back but i played it cool because of how he had behaved in the past and he took it to heart and felt refected then another argument happened. I think he does have a bit of a slight mental problem and I have asked him to get counselling. We were together for nearly 8 years and went through a lot together and we both still care for each other. He hasn't seen anyone else since we last saw each other and he seems very withdrawn and insecure at the moment but I do love him and I would like to at least try again. I'm actually really out of sorts without him - and I do miss him. The thing is that but we met up this week and we arranged to meet up again next week but I feel as though it's very tenuous. Is it best to take it slowly and meet up once a week and rebuild a friendship/relationship rather than rush? I'm a bit impatient and I miss him a lot but I can also see the sense in just taking it slowly. It's tempting to just jump into bed with him cos I still really fancy him but again, I wonder if it's better to take it easy in that area as well. I'm not sure what is the best way to approach this situation as I've never got back with an 'ex' before. The other thing is that he and one of my daughters don't get on (my daughters are 20 and 18 yrs old and he is not their father). We agreed to meet up next week on Christmas Eve and he is spending Christmas day with his son and ex wife and we agreed to meet up in the New Year also so I guess things are moving in the right direction but I just feel impatient and I am worried about him going over to the ex wife for Christmas as she has split up with her partner recently but he told me that their grown up kids didn't want him to have to spend xmas alone (this was arranged before he and I met up this week) so they asked if he could join them for lunch and she said yes ok. Any advice would be appreciated as I have been quite stressed and worried and I feel as though it's been affecting my health etc.. Thanks. Tanya x
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 I don't understand well if you both wish for a reconciliation or if you've even discussed this, if so, work up a plan to learn from your past differences so you can be together without the extra drama. I think you are right in that you shouldn't rush things. You should develop some techniques in order to not end up in hospital during season's holidays, if the situation is that energy-draining for you. For example, counterbalance each negative thought immediately with a more optimistic one and remind yourself you depend on no one, not even your ex, however much you care and miss him. The success of a relationship with the ex doesn't merely depend on you. He has just gotten out of a divorce which, not surprisingly, does take time to get over, even if there was no love involved, given that they had a cold war marriage for quite a while. Tell him you will allow him time to recover after a recent divorce and in the meanwhile you can be friends, before seeing if you can take it any further, at some point in the future. If you are both available, you will like that, for now you will support him during his harsh time.His mental problem, slight or not, I hope isn't neglected by him because it could make matters worse and get in the way of his recovery or having better relationships, would he be bothered if you expressed this concern to him, kindly? I do think this problem makes things seem more difficult, if you can't count on a stable person and especially one who doesn't work at improving himself. After 8 years together, you should know if he is resistant to (kind) suggestions, treatments, and working to improve your circumstances. This indeed doesn't seem the best time to discuss these issues due to his divorce, but knowing him as you know him after 8 years, you can guess if he will bear a hand to help nurture the relationship if you get back together or let the hard mostly rest on how the wind blows. Because the biggest challenge is not to get back together, but to have a less troubled relationship, less arguments, more harmony, no verbal abuse, is that correct? He should be made aware of this and give it a thought. As for his having lunch with the ex and his kids for Christmas, this shouldn't worry you, that is not exactly the problem either, isn't it, the problem is you don't trust his stability, I don't know if it's because of his disease. Don't torment yourself with these thoughts now, it does no good. To sum it all up, your idea to start as friends sounds good to me, he should know that you suggest this because you think you are both unprepared for more at this point, that's all. Best of luck.
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