A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am going round in circles with my feelings. Some days I am millimetres from leaving my husband (of 13 years - no children) he knows what buttons to press but then I stay - security, familiarity, finances etc etc. I'm not sure what feelings I have for him but I don't think its love. I wish things were different but they are not and attempts to say how I feel it seems to end in an argument. We tried counselling but he just used what was said during sessions as a weapon - so I gave up after two because I couldn't take it. He behaves in ways that really are getting me down and I want to describe these because I'm not sure whether they are divorce material - sometimes I wish it was cut and dry (he cheats or something) because I would be less tortured. Anyway..More often than not when we are walking along in town he walks about 3 paces in front of me and I feel like a little girl trying to keep up. He gets very stressed and irritated over things that are minor and I find myself treading on eggshells or agreeing with things just to keep the peace or to smooth over the relationship. I start talking to him and he seems to not want to look at me - this might be when he's reading a book or watching TV - but its as if I'm disturbing him from something vital. He makes sarcastic comments about the tidiness of the house and the amount of food in the fridge and often 'takes over' in the middle of a meal as if I'm incapable of cooking even though I don't ask him to do it. He allows my in laws (his family generally) to make derrogatory comments about me and my appearance and then says I am overly sensitive when I get upset and that its all in my mind. He has been on two holidays this year on his own - spending hours on the internet deciding and when I suggested perhaps we could go for a weekend somewhere he said "yeah do you want to have a look and see whats available" - he hasn't been proactive at all. He said that he's tired of seeing me with my hair up and wearing slouchy clothes but I feel so fed up I'm starting to not bother. He seems content to sit in every night watching TV and not talking much to me but is quick to take up invitations from others - simply telling me that he's out tommorow night or on a Saturday morning. Over and above this I find myself having to justify even the smallest decisions to him and when I don't agree with him he gets frustrated. I often feel tense around him. When I say what he does to offend me he apologises but it makes no difference as the same things keep happening! We started to argue in the middle of the night as he said I would wake him up fidgeting and some of these arguments became really bad. I would feel very isolated in bed because he was never demonstrative and thought it was 'odd' that people slept curled up together in bed. In the end the negative feeling I had being in the same bed overwhelmed me and I now sleep in the other room. There have been times when there has been some physical violence and his overall body language can be very aggressive. The thing is other people think he is a real sweetie and my parents think, because of his solid career etc, that I should make it work. I'm 35 now and recently gave up my job because it was also stressful and I couldn't cope with it and I want to re-train to do natural medicine which means a full time study course for 3 years. I feel quite numb these days as if I just go through the motions of life. I cannot see a solution and feel really trapped. Is it all in my mind? I feel quite desperate.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 My first question is this; has he always been like this, or have you seen his behavior change over the course of your marriage? My first impression is if you've already tried counseling and it didn't seem to help, you've tried talking to him one on one, and that didn't seem to work, I'd say perhaps it's time for a trial separation. If that doesn't wake him up then I would probably file for divorce.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): Hi Hunny,
It sounds to ms sweetheart that you are being controlled and without you knowing it, This has probably being happening for along time... I understand where your coming from as Ive been there and the only way to make things better is to do it for you not for anyone else. You should not put up with any form of pysical violence or mental abuse is there a victim support centre in your area you can talk to as they can help with all the things you have mentioned and to talk with someone that understands is a great help in itself... To make yourself feel more confident you have to make the effort with making the change in your own being I no how hard this is but believe me when you make the first move it becomes easier as your confidence will grow, As will you as a person...
Making an effort in your appearance for YOU!!!! will make a huge difference, my husband to knocked my appearance untill one day I decided I would make the change for me not him so I completely changed my look to please myself. and when others noticed it gave me the confidence he had been trying to knock out of me from the day we married.
As the marriage in my eyes was over this just help me to realise his lack of confidence in himself, It took me awhile to do as he was still abusive and I couldnt get him to leave so I got myself back to work as then I was away from him he couldnt hurt me, I started to read self help books to get my inner self strong and the stronger I got the weeker he got...
My situation may have been a bit different to yours in the end he had to leave as he threatened my life so although It went the worst way it could go I no longer had to put up with the constant daily abuse, and that may sound strange but if he hadnt gone that far I couldnt have got away these days the police will step in. Then only if it was serious there was no help for me if I called they would just put it down to domestic and he would be home to do it again so in that situation you dont call very often as you are trapped, You have to make changes for your own happiness and men like this do come across as wonderfull in other peoples eyes as they never let this show on the outside very clever, so I no how this is so very hard for you, Dont let this continue talk to someone get your self esteem back for you, And I would tell you to get out of this situation but you need to get some of your confidence back before you feel strong enough to move, The longer you stay the more down you will become. I just let my husband do what he wanted and left him to his own devises in the end to gain my strength. You really need to contact victim support they are wonderfull dont go through this anymore, from what you have said there is no marraige he is a bully, You are in different rooms and your walking on eggshells your put down by him and his family he goes off on holiday without you... Its time to do something for you love PLEASE TAKE CARE I HOPE THIS HELPED A LITTLE LOVE AND LUCK MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (7 August 2007):
 Sounds like borderline personality disorder. There is a book called Walking on Eggshells. you should check it out. i bet he has all of the symptoms. If you want to leave him, I say go for it.
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