A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for one year, and occasionally have doubts and concerns about him. Mainly due to at the start him flirting with other women. I brought it up a few times and it seems to have stopped, at least in front of me.In the early stages I found out he was flirting online with other women. And now says he has stoppe, although how can I know for sure?My concern is the odd times I see he was last online on whatsapp. He works night shifts sometimes and when he does, every single night he uses whatsapp at strange times, like 2/3 in the morning. I know this because he sends me a goodnight message and when I wake up in the night that's when I read it, an he was online since sending me that message. And then I'll check again in the morning when he's finished his shift and I'll check my phone, send him a message or something and saw that he was last online at like 3/4am!I feel I'm always bringing up stuff so it's awkward an embarrassing to keep on questionning him. I mean I must be doing his head in, him feeling he can't do anything, but at the same time he does strange things like this. What do you all think?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (11 March 2015):
 Hi,
What has happened in the past that your level of Trust is on high alert?
Lack of Trust can derail a relationship.
If he works alone and through the night he could just be lonely and bored.
If you feel that he is totally into you then there would be little to worry about.
But the trust thing is niggling away at you.
It is nice that you keep in touch so regularly.
Do you feel that you tend to be the one who initiates contact more often than he makes contact initially?
He's an adult and so are you. Who knows what he's online looking at? My recent browser history would show that i've researched salvia plants and new books on gardening. He could be looking at anything online.
He's told you that he's stopped flirting on line.
You are still together after 12 months.
Yes, if you still doubt him.
Then yes, your doubts would definitely be doing his head in.
But if you easily have doubts and you worry then that is your own anxiety that could derail things.
I am a great believer in getting some professional support to deal with issues.
I failed to get that sort of support over a big crisis earlier and suffered grief for far too long as a result.
Whereas today I see only good coming out of one, two or three visits to a trained professional on the rare occasions when I feel the need for such advice.
Thus I suggest that you explore your own feelings about trusts and betrayal to help you to become stronger internally when faced with situations that raise up your concerns about, ''who can you trust?''
look at his actions towards you. He does appear to be very aware of your need for regular reassurance.
If a man is going to cheat then he will.
If a man is programmed to not cheat then all the inducements in the world would not budge him if he was already committed and faithful to the woman he loves.
Try to plan ways to relax better so that you can feel more confident about this situation. And maybe sleep without waking up in the early early morning.
Look at his actions and listen carefully to his words. He does not sound like a man who wants to cheat.
If a man wants to cheat then all the worrying by a partner will not stop him cheating.
If a man does not want to cheat and has committed himself to one woman - then nothing can entice him away from his woman.
Try to develop more faith in your judgement and in your man.
Hopefully in time you can allow yourself to trust him to do the right things more often than not.
Wishing you well for the future
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