A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Been in a long distance relationship for 4 years now.. too long. In the past 4 years, we started out visiting eachother every other month, then after 2 years, visits were every 3-4 nonths. Now we visit twice a year. In the beginning of our relationship, our plan was to move in together after 2-3 years. That didn't happen because he couldn't secure a job where I'm at and I'm not quiting my job to go live with him because the payrate there is half of what I currently make. He is still trying, with minimal effort, to secure a job here with me, and as soon as he does, he will relocate here.We are having issues. We don't spend time together anymore, rarely call each other and don't have much to say when we're on the phone. He is always "so busy".. and I'd rather sleep than talk to him. He doesn't think anything is wrong.. but I'm feeling pointless being in this relationship. I don't even look forward to seeing him anymore and would prefer taking my vacation elsewhere.Do you think this is over or just a phase?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (5 June 2018):
 It’s over.
I agree with Malvern, LDR are pointless. Why would you date someone you have no physical relationship with? Someone you speak to over a phone or video chat? It’s a waste of both parties time.
Find someone close to home that you can actually spend time with.
A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (5 June 2018):
 To be perfectly honest I think long distance relationships are a waste of time. How can you possibly ever get to know somebody when they're never there? It's definitely time to move on and find somebody you can see much more often. Time is ticking by, don't waste it because the older you get, the harder it is to find somebody, so do it now while you're still young enough.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 June 2018):
 I think the relationship has run it's course. There is no future here.
If he in 2-3 years!!! couldn't secure a job where you are at... how hard did he try? Or how possible is it that he EVER will get one near you? Like you said, it's minimal effort and NO effort between you two.
And I get not wanting such a dramatic pay-cut.
Neither of you are willing to make the sacrifice needed to live together. And that is OK, but... why then "saddle" yourself with a LDR that has no real future?
Talk to him, break up. Wish him well. And then cut all contact so neither of you will be tempted to try and renegotiate and waste MORE time on something that isn't going to work.
Sometimes (more often than not) this is the way of LDR's.
And then GO on that vacation elsewhere - recharge, take some time re-configuring your standard, what you want in a partner, what you have to offer - and then WHEN you are ready to try dating again, DON'T date someone who lives far away. Stick to your geographical area.
You two still might care for each other but right now? you are both just dragging it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2018): If after four years he hasn't moved in, hasn't made much effort to secure employment in order to be together; it seems pretty clear...it's over.
He doesn't bother coming to visit, because he's probably pretty much over the relationship; and he's waiting for you to finally give-up on it. He doesn't want to seem like a jerk; and you don't even look forward to seeing him anymore.
It's like the game of "hangup, no you hangup first." Only it's; "breakup, no you breakup first."
You gave it a go, it has puttered-out. Now officially end-it; so you may get on with your life, and find someone who really cares about you. You're treating your relationship like an old-habit. It's gone on so long, it's hard to break it.
If it's a phase, I guess you can consider it the "final-phase."
You can make a final-visit; and do it in-person; or you can call him, and tell him over the phone. I guess it's got to be you; because he might be too busy.
Why do I get the impression that if you did, you wouldn't be all that broken-up and hurt about it?
Plan yourself a great vacation, and enjoy yourself. Then you can comeback and tell him it's over.
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