A
female
age
41-50,
*mmJ
writes:I'm not sure if my husband of 10 years still loves me. He was my first so I'm having all these feelings that I'm not expeienced enough for him and that he thinks I'm boring. I'm not sure if he's getting sex elsewhere or if our relationship is salvagable? Does only having 1 sexual partner get boring for a man? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 May 2010):
 two things here.
What makes you think he isn't happy with you. One of the most consistent traits of men is resistance to change. He is happy with the way things are and sees no reason to put effort into change.
Two your feelings about your body are being mirrored in his behavior. It is hard for him to get excited with a body that you are ashamed of. You probably unconsciously hide and disguise your body.
Now his resistance to talking is a bad sign. Yes there could be an affair, or a fading of feelings at least. If he can't talk to you alone then get him into couples therapy. If he refuses that then it is time to talk about divorce, because you can't be satisfied with "things as the are". some times you just have to say straight out that you are unsatisfied.
FA
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Ok... You have done what you can. He is not willing to talk to you and be mature.Divorce him.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (3 May 2010):
 You should not base you self esteem on what and how a person feels, you should feel good about yourself. If your husband does not find you desirable many others will, now if your husband don't open up with you and tries to have a conversation with you than maybe you two should try counseling. You need to be able to express how feel and maybe this will help you.
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A
female
reader, EmmJ +, writes (3 May 2010):
EmmJ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of the advice. I have tried to talk but he's not the best at opening up and has just closed down and refuses to speak about stuff like that. I feel that I am totally 'unfanciable' as I'm unhappy with my figure and feel that this, along with my lack of previous experience backs up why he is acting like he is. If my own husband wont come near me then I don't have a chance elsewhere - even if that was my only option.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
Sex can get very boring, always the same routine may become undesired. Make a change in the bedroom routine, try different things and spice up your marriage. I don't think your husband is cheating unless you have proof or fact about him being unfaithful. Try different things good luck in your marriage and in life.
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A
female
reader, vicky 234 +, writes (28 April 2010):
have you asked him and has he done anything different when he is with you dose he act different around you. has he been looking very different if he is he might have something to tell you so the best way for going towards it is that if you come faces to faces with it and say to him do you love me if he say yes then ask him is there anything that he whats to tell you if you got children then make sure that they are kept out of it that can really hert them
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Well, sometimes sex does get boring and sort of routine so to speak. But I have a feeling you are assuming this, and that you don't really know how your hubby actually feels. You should definitly talk to your husband about how he feels about your sex life together. And because you feel this way, why don't you dress up sex a bit. Try new things. Talk to your husband and find out what he likes. Sex should be fun and exciting. Try dressing up or roleplaying, etc.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 April 2010):
Hi EmmJ,
I'm a serious proponent of monogamy. I believe that the idea that a person can't be happy with only one partner is an insult to all people. We as humans have huge mental capabilities. We are able to bring a lot of variety into a relationship just by using that mental capability.
Now having said that, I have to add that at times a relationship can get into a rut. Kind of like having a diet coke with your lunch every day. Pretty soon you will do anything for a new flavor. You can even begin to hate what you once loved.
Often the trouble with bringing variety to the bed room has one of these causes. One partner is comfortable with the status quo and the other wants a change. You feel afraid to try something new because you might look foolish. You may think that a certain activity is too risky for you. Often we are so afraid to ask what the other person wants, or (even more so) to ask for what we want. Communication breakdown.
There are two things to remember. Many people are brought up with the idea that sex is a "necessary evil", to be avoided as much as possible. In my opinion this is not true and will not work. Sex is the greatest game. It can only be played by adults. It is only a good game if both players are having fun. Sex is used to keep a couple emotionally close to each other. If it is used right at the end of each game, the couple has more desire to keep together.
Em, you seem to have a lot of self doubt. Apparently you are not getting enough positive reinforcement from your husband. Women need this a lot. Men are notoriously bad at giving it. We often need a wake up call. My advice to you is to talk more to your husband. And, to be open to suggestions he may make. Be sure to voice your needs.
FA
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (28 April 2010):
Well the important thing, is he cheating on you.
If he is not, just spice it up in the bedroom.
Honestly, I have gotten women to go from being boring prudes to wanting to do more to becoming complete and total freaks in the bedroom.
All it is about, is finding that person that makes you feel good about doing everything you want to do, without feeling shame that society puts women through when they do anything sexual.
If he is not cheating and he is simply unsure of how to approach it, why don't you?
If you are willing to try things like spanking, anal, bondage, whatever you want... Suggest it.
He is your husband, if you can't trust him, divorce him.
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
 If your inexperience bothers you then try looking at websites that will help to give you ideas to please him and you in the bedroom, make sure that you tell him that you did this as it will most probably get his mind ticking. tease him at every opportunity if hes at work phone him on his lunch break and tell him what you want to do to him. what you basically want to achieve his make him feel what he felt for you in the beginning, the lust!! A relationship is savable as long as you both want to try... it seems you do so surprise him come up behind him and stroke his manhood whilst caressing the side of his neck with your tongue then whisper to him "you want him now". that will get his attention. if you are concerned hes having an affair consider talking to him... dont say "you're cheating on me" be approachable tell him that you have concerns about your lack of intimacy and ask him where its going wrong and why.... he's probably not having an affair... if he thought you were lacking skills in the bedroom then i doubt you would have been married 10years!! gud luck!!!
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