| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: Okay, I am hoping someone out there can give me some advice... cause I am a bit confused. I am 25 years old and became engaged after 5 years to my boyfriend recently. Since I became engaged, I am feeling more and more clostraphobic- and am avoiding making plans or wearing my engagement ring. I love my fiance, but am so scared of marrying him, cause I suspect he might not be the one. I feel really cornered, however our relationship on most accounts is really good - we have great times together. There does seam to be a lack of spark though, as we can go through nights on end without a even a kiss.Out of the blue, someone whome I have knonwn and fancied for many years made a move on me recently and now I am thinking that I should not be engaged, instead I should go and discover what the world has for me. I dont want to hurt anyone, I am just not sure if this is all phase, or if I should muster the courage to move on. Help anyone?
View related questions:
engaged, fiance, move on, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Thara  +, writes (19 June 2011):
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) who you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANTAnd believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANTBut as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don ' t have. "Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it ' s not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I ' m crazy about her because she ' s also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not"Somewhere along the way, you ' ll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you ' re looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let ' s say your wife is melancholic by nature.You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . .."Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiettype, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.But wait! That ' s only 20% of what you don ' t have.Don ' t throw away the 80% that you already have!That ' s not all. Add to your spouse ' s 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've e accumulated as lovers.Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don ' t have.But faithfulness happens when you start being thankful for what you already have.But I ' m not just talking about marriage.I ' m talking about life!About your jobs.About your friends.About your children.About your lifestyles.Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he ' s missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they ' ve got personal videos!"I guarantee you ' ll be miserable for the entire trip! Don ' t live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?The main message???If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!
A
female
reader, Thara +, writes (19 June 2011):
In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT
And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.
But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don ' t have. "Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it ' s not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I ' m crazy about her because she ' s also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not"
Somewhere along the way, you ' ll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.
Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you ' re looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let ' s say your wife is melancholic by nature.
You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . .."
Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.
But wait! That ' s only 20% of what you don ' t have.
Don ' t throw away the 80% that you already have!
That ' s not all. Add to your spouse ' s 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you ' ve accumulated as lovers.
Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don ' t have.
But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have.
But I ' m not just talking about marriage.
I ' m talking about life!
About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.
Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he ' s missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they ' ve got personal videos!"
I guarantee you ' ll be miserable for the entire trip! Don ' t live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?
The main message???
If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!
...............................
A
female
reader, myadvice  +, writes (12 November 2008):
If there is ANY doubt in your mind you should AT least postpone your wedding.
PLEASE don't let the fear of hurting someone stop you from saying how you feel. Even though it will be difficult to talk to your fiance and risk hurting his feelings it will be a lot harder to do in the long run if you do get married and end up regretting it. Also, the way your fiance responds to your concerns is a big factor. Mine told me "now or never." That was a HUGE red flag that I ignored and after only a year and a half of marriage we are on the verge of divorce. Please don't stifle your own feelings and worries because you might hurt someone because when you do it hurts everyone more when it does come out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Listening to your response of your concerns, it seems to me that maybe you've already made the decision in your heart. If you have any doubts of not getting married. It would be wise to not wait until the last minute to tell your finance. It would be better to call of the engagement for a while then see where things go. You wouldn't be doing yourself or your finance any justice by keeping the emotions your feeling "in". It's a tough choice to make, but that's exactly what it is, a "choice" if you're not quite ready, call it off. Love is a "choice" it's a daily choice at that. Best luck to you and your finance.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2008): I hope you will all remember this: lust is a glorious thrill, passion is a burning excitement, but at the end of the day, friendship, understanding, and love are what make a successful marriage. If you haven't ever experienced passionate lust in your life, maybe you're not ready to get married. But just because you don't always feel passionate lust for your partner doesn't mean you won't have a great marriage.
Cold feet and doubts are not unusual. Deep down, you know if you truly love the person you are with enough to want to see them eating cereal across the table when you are both old and gray, so do some serious soul-searching.
But don't marry someone out of a feeling of obligation for years spent together or out of fear of being alone. That is not fair to anyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I can only write from my own experience, so that is what I will tell you. I had serious doubts before getting married, got married anyway and am now going through a divorce 7 months later. What I learned are the following things:
-Be true to yourself. Trust yourself. The one person you will have to answer to for the rest of your life is yourself (and God if you are religious). Don't sell yourself out to please someone else. Don't do what others think is right if it is not right for you.
-Just because a man is a great man, does not mean he is the one great man FOR YOU.
-Don't force yourself to get married if you know deep down in your heart it's not what you want. I believe you can love someone, but it not be the right time in your life. If you are not ready, you can't "MAKE" yourself get ready. (my situation)
- Holding on to a man or marrying a man knowing you are not ready to get married because you are afraid to let him go or are afraid of hurting him is wrong. This will rob both of you of a truly happy marriage. You deserve a man who is sure of his love for you...and he deserves a woman who is sure of his love for him.
-If you feel you aren't ready but don't want to give up on the relationship, you can try counseling, talking to your fiance, to a trusted friend and family member...talk it out. Try and work out your feelings. Don't make a decision just because you are frustrated and don't know what to do. Likewise, don't NOT follow through with a decision just because you are afraid.
-The RIGHT thing to do is not always, and rarely is, the EASY thing to do.
-Good luck to you!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2007): I know exactly what your going through! I love the guy I'm with we have been together for almost 9 years - a year when I broke up with him. But were great together. We have been engaged seince Nov.of 2006. I was fine and excited about the wedding untill he left away for work for a week. I thought I was going to be so lonely, but it was actualy cool. I got to do everything when I wanted to do it. I didn't have to wait around for him to get ready, and the house stayed clean. Also I ran into this guy I had strong feelings for when were broken up for that year, and thats when I started getting all these old feeling back. I don't think if I'm suppose to be getting married in Jan. of 2008, if I should have such strong feeling for this guy.
I'm very confussed, I don't want to leave my man again, it would break his heart.( I love him so much, but sometimes I feel like it's more just like best friends) But why do I have these other feelings. We also Just purchased a home in Sept of 2006. And this is like the worst time for me to be thinking all these cray things. But I also don't want to get married and then end up getting a devorce later on.
If anyone has any comments for me that would be great. I have alot to think about.
Confused in Miami
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2007): I too am in the same situation, and have no idea what to do. It's so scary..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): I'm in a similar situation. what did you end up doing
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (12 January 2006):
Hi there,
First off, I need to tell you that you can't fear hurting anyone. Althoug your intention to not hurt anyone, is good, it shows that you have feelings, but if let that control you then you will just end up hurting people because you will be to afraid to do anything. In relation to your situation, if you stick with your fiance purely on the basis as you don't want to break the badn ews to him that he may not be 'the one' then thats not right. Because if you stick with someone who you don't love, you will be hurting them, depriving them of someone who will truly love them.
I understand your very confused! So take your time and don't rush into any big decisions. First off I really woud like to suggst you talk to aclose friend or family memeber of yours, and see what they say.
It seems to me your gut is telling you that something is right- as you are feeling clostrapphobic and are trying to dodge the whole wedding situation.
Just one point, you won't always have that 'spark' no 1 does. Its because you just become so comofrtable. Yet you did say there are some nights where you dont even kiss each other, since that bothers you, you should alk to your fiance about it. Tell him that you would like to be more intimate with him.
You said you have fancied this other man for many years, so whats made it the big deal now? Is it because you are about to be 'offically taken off the market'- you will loose all chance of being wiht him?
Its a comon feeling of people who are engaged, that suddenly they have thesefeelings for other people and think perhaps they need to stop it and go otu and see what else is out there for him. In general, this is a fear, one that one married is overcome. Ask your fiance, if he ever gets a bit nervous that you are the only person he will be with for the rest of his life, dont be afraid! Its good to oepn up.
Im sorry if I couldnt help :( I really am, but the best thing I can say to you is talk to a friend or family member, someone who knows you well
good luck :) I hope you work this all out
...............................
|
