A
female
age
26-29,
*oveisforeverwhenitsreal
writes:Ok, umm, I really need some help with this issue. So me and my boyfriend have been together for awhile now and were really happy together but I feel like he's pressuring me to have sex with him or to do anything sexual. Now before you start thinking bad things about my boyfriend, let me explain. A few years ago, I was raped and sexually mohlested and yes he knows about it. But the thing is, it still bothers me and I've never really gotten over it. If I tell him to stop he does and then he swears he will wait for me because he loves me but it happens again later and i don't know if its just our hormones or what because don't say no and I'm just really confused. What do I do? I don't wanna lose him and I'm pretty sure he doesnt me but you never know. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, loveisforeverwhenitsreal +, writes (13 February 2014):
loveisforeverwhenitsreal is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for the advice and let me just say I took it all to heart. I've already had counceling for my traumas though so I'm pretty sure that wouldn't help. But I talked to my boyfriend a little bit about it and he said he wasn't meaning to make me feel like that and that next timetime I start to feel like that I need to tell him so he can fix it. He's a great guy. &No I don't wanna loose him because he makes me happy. Because he makes me feel good about myself and he said thathe he isn't entirely ready for sex either. The making out just went a little to far and he didn't mean for it too. But were teenagers, you know it happens. Thank you, though. Very much appreciated. I just don't know if I believe him
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 February 2014):
 Hi, checking in on you to see if you were able to get the help you need. Let us know how that is going.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 To Tyti: your testimony is interesting. You said "[...] with someone I had love for, deeply cared about, and that he felt the same way after an extended period of time."
So what went wrong, as this man didn't pressure you and there was a tender bound between you both that should have made this experience a sweet and pleasurable one ?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 February 2014):
 So here's some advice from an old dude...How about just taking a deep breath and putting the whole sex thing on the back burner for oh say 6 months or some mutually agreed upon time period? Then, take a fresh look at each other and either jump in the sack or wait until you are married.. preferably the later. At least you will have taken the stress out of your immediate life for a while and given ypurselves time to love each other safely and corectly. Just a thought. good luck
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A
female
reader, orangeswild123 +, writes (11 February 2014):
 As a survivor of rape myself I hope my advice can help you :) I was raped last year by a guy I was just starting to date. After it happened I just spiraled, I was depressed and most days didn't want to do anything. I met my current bf and I didn't tell him anything till months later. Just because I felt so ashamed and I felt if he knew what happened he wouldn't want me anymore. Early on my bf knew something happened to me because even when making out I was really tense and guarded. Not by choice, because I like him a lot! Sparks fly when I'm with him but my body reacted to him in a guarded way. So about 6 months all we did was makeout. No clothes got taken off that was it. So that helped me build trust and my guard slowly went down. I made the decision on my own to have sex with him and I had no fear anymore I knew I trusted him completely and so that made it easier for me. It helped that he went very very slow and checked in with me to make sure I was okay and that everything was fine. Talk to your boyfriend about this. They aren't mind readers but my bf was sexually assaulted as a kid so he knew something had happened to me. So by it happening to him he kind of knew what I was going through and what I needed. I went to a counselor and for me it didn't really help, but still look into it! I know it has helped others greatly. My boyfriend helped me. We had talks that would start at 11pm and end at 4am and when I had a panic attack or if I started to get those feelings he would help me through it. At this point now I very rarely think about it anymore, and if something triggers me I know I can get through it. I would check out RAINN it helped a lot as well! If your boyfriend is there for you and willing to wait till YOU are ready then he will. If he won't thats okay, leave him and focus on you :) Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 February 2014):
 You need to get counseling and deal with the past - rape and abuse you don't just hide under the rug and hope it doesn't show it's ugly head later.
Tisha gave you some good website link and a hotline number USE them. GET help.
And it IS OK to say no to sex. If you worry about him "trying" to pressure you again, then DO NOT be alone with him.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 February 2014):
If it still bothers you and you still haven't gotten over it, and you are now in a relationship where you are being pressured for sex, you need to take a big step back from seeing him. You need to see someone to work this through now, so you don't wind up traumatized further. This is too big to try to solve on your own.
I would talk to your parents, if not your parents then the school counselor. I have a website with a phone number that you can call to get local counseling help: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/ You can call this number National Sexual Assault Hotline - 800 656 4673 or go online for help here: https://ohl.rainn.org/online/tour.cfm They have trained counselors who can help you figure out the best way to help you get past this and recover.
Best wishes to you.
P.S. Don't be alone with your boyfriend until you have a way to cope with this, you are setting yourself up for further hurt and sorrow, okay? Go be brave and make that call or get the online support now. Or even better, tell your parents or a school counselor that you still are struggling with this.
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet +, writes (11 February 2014):
Trying to force somebody who has already been raped, is beyond any reasonable ethos. Your boyfriend may not be a bad guy, but let me tell you he is a CAVE MAN. That's indisputable.Nevertheless, you tell us you don't want to lose that guy ? Why, do you think he is the best choice around ? Do you think at 16 yo, he is your last choice and better him than nobody ? Do you fear to become an old maid if you dump that teenager unable to bring under control his primal drives ?Besides, frankly speaking, that's what we call a very bad beginning, as it is - admit it or not - a soft abuse. And you know what ? This case may even become a more severe issue for your future sex life as it prevents you from recovering from your previous trauma. You don't care ?Do what your want, you will have been warned by people who have two, three or four times your experience of life. You're free to think we are just old drivellers... or to break free, free of this unbearable pressure, free to be back a young lady who wants to take her time to look for happiness and not just satisfaction of urges below the belt.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2014):
 IF you lose a boy because you won't have sex with him he was never worth having (at YOUR age)
IF you have issues from your rape and molestation then you need to be working with a counselor to resolve those issues. This is too big of an issue to tackle on your own.
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