A
male
age
41-50,
*ibubhai
writes:Hi,About 2 years ago, I got out of a relationship and have been single ever since. It has been my only relationship so far, and now that I think about it, I feel I had committed too soon without getting to know my ex really well. My ex always questioned my love for her, and it used to hurt a lot at that time because when I was in that relationship, I used to believe that I really loved her. After our breakup, I pondered over it a lot, and now I feel maybe my ex was right, maybe I didn't love her at all. I feel that I am too self centered to actually love another person. I'm an introvert and I feel drained if I do not get space, and my ex didn't understand my need for space. Anyway, after our breakup, I feel I'm incapable of loving another person, and if I get into another relationship, I'll once again feel suffocated if I do not get some space..some alone time for myself. Now recently, I've taken a liking towards a colleague of mine. I don't love her...but my feelings might blossom into love if we really get to know each other well. But at the same time I feel what if I get bored of her after sometime...what if the way I feel about her is not real...maybe I'm just bored and needed a hobby and that's why I "think" I like her...at the same time...it's hard for me to ignore her and get on with my life. I feel I should tell her that I like her...but my doubts about my capability of actually loving another person is holding me back.Are my fears genuine? What do I do? I really don't want to hurt this person by telling her I like her and later finding out that I don't. I feel happy if I get to help her in any little way I can. I get a bit sad and jealous when she shares a laugh with some colleagues other than me. But a part of me feels what I'm feeling about her is not true...maybe my loneliness is making me feel this way....I'm terribly confused.Thanks a lot for your responses.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I used to feel exactly like you do until I met my current partner. I used to need a lot of alone time and I felt suffocated very easily in relationships. I believed for a long time that I was destined to be alone because I felt I could never meet the demands of being in a real relationship. However, when I met my current partner things changed. We took things slowly to begin with and I found myself wanting to see him more and more - something that had never happened to me before. We have now been together for 3 years and I am really happy. I think if you meet the right person, you will find that the alone time isn't something you need quite as much as you do now because somewhere along the line your love for the other person takes over. The fact that you think of this woman so much is a good sign too, plus you work with her so you must see her a lot and you haven't got bored yet right? I think you should go for it, I really think there will be someone out there for you as there was for me if you are willing to take a chance. Good luck!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Liking and loving a person is not enough to keep the relationship intact. You have to like the aspects of what a relationship will bring in order to stay in it. You either have to find a girl who is very independent in and out of the relationship, has the same need for space as you, or you should just date casually. You and your partner should have the same idea of what a relationship is. Some think that space is a given. Some feel that in a relationship you need to care for the other person, the kids, even when you natural self tells you you need to withdraw and retreat. Having kids in the future is also a gamble you are going to take. Some kids are quiet and can entertain themselves, while the others are needy and need your constant attention and you can't just let your wife do all the work raising kids because you feel you are entitled to your space. To be able to be in a relationship your need for your partner to love you should outweigh your need for space, and the two of you can't have needs that are unmatched.
You can like your coworker for now, you are not promising anything. Let her find out later if she is okay with your taking space. Not everyone would be like your ex. You are bored without a woman in your life, and you are bored after you get into a relationship. Man, what do you want?
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