A
female
age
41-50,
*irl in tree
writes:Everyone wants me to have babies. My parents, his parents, him, our friends,our relatives... etc.,etc...I am 35 and married to a wonderful man. I told him when we got married that I would give him children. He has wanted to have a baby for years. I still expected to be able to do that. My issue is that I just really don't want to be pregnant. I don't want to get fat, feel another creature inside and feeding off of me, have uncontrolable hormonal mood swings, be off balance and awkward, nor stop working in my very physical job.I suppose I like my friends' kids when they are old enough to converse with me and understand what I am talking about to them. I had only held a week old baby recently and didn't feel any magic.... actually wanted to give it back immediately. I think I get a bit self concious about being around my friends kids and play that I like being around them -- how nasty of me. I know.This has pretty much been my attitude to children and being pregnant for many, many years. Every one says that as soon as the "little one" comes in to my life my feelings will change -- and I expect and am counting on that. Now, we have actually been trying to get pregnant for over a year and half. To fufill my wifely obligations, I would say. But the plan hasn't materialized and now we are looking into other fertility options.... I want to do it the old fashioned way or not at all. What is the Magic then???Am I cold? Do I deserve to have a baby after this attitude for so long? Should I just give up or tell my husband forget it? I am lost in my own thoughts... wanting him to be happy and fufilled yet dreading the outcome.
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female
reader, Little Fox  +, writes (21 February 2012):
I'm 39 and I've never been particularly fussed about children either. My husband and I love our life as it is. We love having the freedom to go to the pub and go out for food when we want. Neither of us are on a diet, there's no empty spaces in our relationship. It's never been the way that we feel like we need a baby to be complete. However, I should tell you that the last three years have been a mare due to feeling under pressure to conceive. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control, and this is what has happened to me. My father died Sept 2008. A year later we had IVF and I miscarried at six weeks. A year later we had IVF again. I ended up having a termination at 14 weeks because the baby had downs and problems with it's heart. That was Jan 2011. In May 2011 my mum died. In August 2011 we had a frozen embryo transfer which didn't take. I have just had a frozen embryo transfer today and to be quite honest with you am feeling quite ambivalent about it. They can't find any reason why we can't conceive but maybe it's because we're happy as we are! However, what I would say is that I know what it's like t be pregnant. I know what it's like to see my flesh and blood moving on the screen, and for all I went there kicking and screaming, it really is the most amazing thing in the whole world. I think lots of people are unsure. Listen to your gut feeling is my advice to you. Take care and I hope it all works out. XXX
A
female
reader, girl in tree +, writes (19 February 2010):
girl in tree is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, everyone for your input. I was really happy to read that I wasn't the only one who felt the way I do. It makes me believe there really isn't WRONG with me.
As for being scared, I can't say that is it, I am quite confidant of my abilities and coping methods. I just don't think I will ENJOY the experience of being pregnant.
I have thought about my attitude and wondered if that did have anything to do with our lack of conceiving but it is doubtable... too many friends have got pregnant in the worst situations.
I told my husband I would give him children because I expected my "biological clock" to kick in. It hasn't yet. He is a wonderful man and will be an amazing Dad. I see that and want to see him gloriously happy. I actually think I will be a wonderful Mum too... I like teaching kids and praise them through success and guide through failure. I see myself being a practical parent - not doting or fretting at the every skinned knee.
To Angzw; Thank you for your concern over me having an eating disorder but I assure you I am quite a healthy broad and LOVE to eat a lot!... heck, if I didn't eat I would very likely fall over and injure myself at work - and that is not good at the top of a power pole.
You've all helped loads... I'm going to talk to my husband tonight. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): I am just writing to say that I am your age and feel the same as you - you are not alone. I have had all the same thoughts as you - almost word for word. Its weird - when all my friends were getting excited about babies it kind of put me off. However, I recently had a heart to heart with my husband. He has always known I have been indifferent to it but I think he hoped I would change my mind. I even said that if it was his everything then I was prepared to let him go and meet someone who was keen to start a family as I feel responsible that he is entitled to his own hopes and dreams. I have not made that leap of faith to try having a baby so I admire you for trying to overcome your fears. Don't beat yourself up that you are not fanatical about it - you sound very practical like me and in some ways that will stand you in good stead if and when you do conceive. I think you are pressurising yourself and this is not helping your mind-body connection.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): You probably haven't gotten pregnant because YOU don't want too. And your body knows that.
I get the feeling it's not so much that you don't want to but that you are scared. Scared you won't be a good mom, or know what to do. You have this image of being pregnant as fat, mood swings, etc...those are all the uncomfortable things but what about having a son or daughter of your own?
No one knows what will happen or what won't. But I think you should look deeper at why you don't want to be pregnant. It shouldn't be to fulfill anything other than your desire to have a child. Do you really want to go through life without having a kid? If so, then you need to come clean to your husband and maybe look at other options. Like adopting or implanting his little guys into another woman. How do you feel about that?
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (19 February 2010):
I think you need therapy to find out why you feel this way. Its best to do it before you fall pregnant because people who use reasons like I don't want to be fat are often at a much higher risk of having a baby who is premature, underweight and sometimes with avoidable deformities because they were dieting or starving themselves during pregnancy and the baby didn't receive enough vitamins and minerals to develop properly. Don't get pregnant if you are not going to do things properly including eating properly, and above all, giving that child the love it deserves. Its not a parasite, its a human being just like you. I can't imagine how your life would have been if your own mother had felt this way about you while you were inside her.
As for ART, perhaps if you are wealthy you can look into surrogacy where another woman can carry the baby for you but it will be yours biologically so that you can maintain your figure, not interrupt your successful career and also won't have to feel it moving about inside you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2010): Not every woman wants babies, and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact it is much better not to have them if that is the way you feel.
Tel me though, why did you promise to give you husband children when you married him?
You need to talk to you husband be honest with him and work out if you should stay together, or if you should both find new partners that want the same things out of life.
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A
female
reader, meg2989  +, writes (19 February 2010):
 Well you just seem to have a different mind set about children, as a lot of women do before they get pregnant. You have a work - based mindset which is fine, totally normal. No one really wants to gain weight from pregnancy either, but if you are already in shape it will be easy to get off, ESPECIALLY if you breast feed or pump breast milk and bottle feed. I had the same concerns as you do now, and I wouldn't trade my baby for anything in the world. Its like I don't remember lfe without him, and I just had him 3 weeks ago, on january 24th. There are tricks to having a baby the old fashioned way as you say lol. After you have sex, keep your pelvis tiltedup slightly and keep your feet elevated, do this for about ten minutes befre you get cleaned up. You can also tak to your doctor about other things you can do to try to concieve. Although artificial insemination is not a terrible way to go if you really can't concieve. It is normal for women to not get pregnant for a year and a half to two years whne they start trying. Also try not to think about becoming pregnant I find that right when you let your guard down thats when you become pregnant. So give it another 6 months and try some of the things I listed. And remember it may not hit you immediatly after the babys born, but when you do get to hold your baby and are able to spend time w/ he/she, you won't be able to believe you just had tht beautiful baby. You will just feel it. My boyfriend didn't have a strong bond with the babay until he was almost a week old, but once he spent more time with him, he bonded. Now he would do anything and everything for his son. It is ultimately your choice whether you do want to get pregnant but its worth everything you go trough during labor and pregnancy. And labor really is not as bad as everyone chalks it up to be. So don't be scared! And this is coming from someone that didn't get pain meds lol. Good luck with your decision!!!!
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