A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I think my relationship might be coming to an end. Ive been seeing my boyfriend for 10 months now and the last month or so I have been feeling unhappy and we have been talking and trying to fix things, but i still feel unhappy. I dont know what to do, and i dont know when you have to try harder, or when to accept that maybe we arent ideally matched. We met each other and its been a stressful period of time since, I was writing my PhD thesis the first 4 months, and then he got a new job, bought a house, moved back with his parents until the new house is fixed up. Since the beginning of the year i have had a new job 50 miles away so we are doing long distance relationship. It isnt that far, but we only see each other 1 night/day a week, and that is in his parents house normally - which isnt conducive to an intimate relationship. I find this so hard and i dont feel like i am part of his life, nor he in mine. I dont get excited to see him at the weekend at the moment and for 2 months to be honest I havent really wanted sex with him, or at the times that I do he doesnt. All in all, im feeling pretty down and unhappy and I dont really know what to do to improve things. I dont want to break up with him really, cos i do love him, but i need some passion and sponteneity in my life. Is there anything that can be done, or do i have to accept that we may not be destined for each other?
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female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (20 May 2007):
 Unfortunately, no one can tell you if you are ideally matched except you. I think it is promising that you are both working to improve things--communicating about problems is a very good sign of a potentially healthy relationship.
However, I am also aware that if you have been feeling passionless towards him for the past two months, that that is a big chunk of a 10 month relationship. It is possible that you have gotten through the infatuation stage and now you're finding that you may not be as well-matched as you initially seemed. Alternatively, as you pointed out, all relationships have rough patches and require work. There is really no way to know, really, except to examine your feelings.
For example, you say you love him--why? Because you think you ought to by now? Because he is a good friend? Because he makes you feel good? If you can get to the root of why you love him, I think you'll have a better feel for what you should do.
Best of luck.
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