A
female
age
30-35,
*aime90
writes:I really need some advice from someone who has been in the same situation.. My bf has a one and a half year old daughter to his ex and we have been together since she was 2 months old. I have been there through everything but I find it so hard to have a connection with her. I look at her and I get so sad that he made this little person with someone else. She's his number one priority and that's fine but he is always breaking plans we have had for ages because his ex is always calling and telling him to have her on his weekend off.. the little girl is at his house pretty much every weekend, and the weekends are the only time we have together so we never have time alone. I find myself dreading the times she comes over and I know that sounds selfish and I feel horrible.. I'm not ready to be acting like I'm a mum. I love him so much, he is everything to me, it hurts to know I'm always second. I want to know how I can make myself more positive about this.. I really want to make it work.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (30 March 2009):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thankyou.. It feels good to just know that someone out there understands. some of the things you said its the exact way i feel. I try to help him out, i play with her and sometimes dress her make her bottle bath her just to help out, he has said before that i should be doing more and acting like a mother but i told him no thats not right, im not her mother and i wasnt the irresponsible one who had unprotected sex to get in that situation so he doesnt say it anymore but i think he still feels that way.
I cant talk to him about this because he just makes me feel bad and says well shes my first priority. it would just be so much easier if she wasnt there i know thats so horrible to say but noone can judge till they are in the situation.. I never knew how hard it would be.
It sounds the same with the exs for u.. Its like my bf will do whatever she says and he is such a doormat to her and she takes advantage of it, making him take her whenever suits her then sometimes saying he cant see her at all. I have tried to tell him stand up to her or she will use u and he says u will understand when u have kids...
Its hard.. Its good to know im not the only one feeling like this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): I am in a similar situation and my fiance has two children which come over every weekend and during some nights in the week and basically never go away. The mothers will ring at a moments notice and he will fly to get them whatever plans we have made. I too dread going incase they will be there ( this is 2 separate mothers). I am perfectly nice to them but am beginning to resent them which is unfair. There is no way round this. You are going to have to accept this as it is only going to get worse the older she gets or decide that you can't cope with it. I loathe the fact that i am always second although I know it has to be that way. Probably for you the only way round this will be when you have your own child with him as that will make you feel less bothered about it. Chilling out over this and arranging to do things like shopping or going to see your friends can also remove you from the scene so it is less irritating as you will have been out and will be tired when you get back home. I regularly make erroneous supermarket shops just to escape from the house. This little girl is very young and I appreciate it is very hard with someone else's child. I can actually feel the knot in my stomach when i see his car there and I walk up the drive knowing what is going to greet me. I know though that there are thousands of people out there who handle this scene easily and with no worries so maybe it is just a case of accepting that they are there but just doing your own thing as it is your house. You do not say if your boyfriend expects you to entertain and look after her or if he does all this stuff but if you are having to do everything then you need to say to him that it it is making you uncomfortable so he has the chance to change things a bit if he can. Good luck to you I know how you feel!
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