A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've recently gotten involved with a guy and we've been seeing eachother for around five weeks. It's basically just a "Friends with Benefits" setup and no matter how much I try to convince myself I'm ok with that, I'm not.I'm starting to fall for him and he told me he really doesn't want that. He's arrogant and self-righteous and as a strong young woman I'm being completely submissive in this sham of a "relationship". I can't seem to let it go. I know that may seem stupid but when we're together he can be affectionate and wonderful. We get a long so well and I want to keep him in my life but he makes me so miserable and unhappy a lot of the time. It seems his words say one thing but his actions say another.The worst of it is that we share mutual friends and if it doesn't work out I don't want to know how he is doing or see him for a while when it's over. He told me the other night he'd only end it if he thought he was leading me on into the hopes of a relationship but we often act like a couple so I don't know how we distinguish what we are doing to that of being in a relationship... It certainly feels like a sham anyway...I need advice badly. I'm a very committed person and his nonchalance and selfish attitude makes me so upset. I just need to hear some unbiased advice as to what I should do...Thank you. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 The other aunts/uncles are spot on - if you are not prepared to accept the situation as is (and I am glad to hear you're not!!) then you have only one option - end it. He's not going to change things - why would he?
All the other 'bits and pieces' will fall into place - there may be pain and discomfort socially for a while, but that will settle too in time...you know you don;t have any other choice.
The weight lifted off your shoulders on this will be worth any pain - you'll see.
Best wishes. x
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (19 July 2008):
 First off, take a reality check. You describe yourself as strong but are at best a mistress without the upkeep or at worsed a hooker without the payments.
Strong women don't fall for this. They can smell the bullshit and steer well clear or use him as he is using you.
He has made it clear what he wants, hoping he will change his mind is futile. Why should he change? He got what he wants. Oh sure, maybe once you are gone he will realize what he missed out on and repent. I mean, millions of women have hoped for this so by the laws of averages one day it must come true.
Of course he is nice and affectionate when he is with you. You catch more flies with honey then with vinegar. If he really was that nice you wouldn't be feeling miserable and unhappy a lot of the time.
Simple fact: If a man wants sex from a woman he knows that the best way to get her on her back is to at least pretend to give a damn about her. Very few women respond well to openly expressed disdain and loathing. Believe me, I tried.
He has been very honest with what he wants, now its time for you to start listening to what he is saying.
Stay with him and you are no more then a sextoy, a hooker without the price tag. If you are not able to see him as a sextoy, a gigolo without the price tag then you should get out and do it before you get even more involved.
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