A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'd really like your advice..My partner and I enjoy taking holidays when we can - tramping and taking long walks and generally exploring new places together.A few years ago was the last overseas trip we took. We're home owners now so it's not as easy for us time-wise and financially, to get away. The last trip we took, my partner's mum (my MIL, who is in her late 70's) joined us for a month's trip overseas. She came to visit family that lived nearby.Having always travelled together, just the two of us, the dynamic was definitely different, moreso than I imagined. At times, I felt like the third wheel, but, in saying that, I'm sure my MIL felt the same way too!My MIL and FIL have been very good to us. They love their son and they're good people. They are ALSO very domineering and at times, condescending - possibly without meaning to be.They call and visit us regularly, mostly daily, so our trips away are something I look forward to - just us. We can do as we please. The trip we took where my MIL came, was very frustrating. Prior to leaving, I'd had to resign from a terribly stressful job, where I wasn't able to take leave.. and I was a little low on cash. My partner paid for a large amount of this trip and he was happy to. I wished I could help out more, but my partner was just happy we could be together and wanted me to enjoy my holiday. My MIL seemed to take issue with it though and would frequently say to her son, "Oh, I feel bad you having to pay for all this." "You shouldn't have to pay for all this, here, let me help you out." "This is too much for you to pay for." Whether she intended to make me uncomfortable, or she was just being tactless, I don't know, but every comment she made about money, I felt a knife through the stomach. I began to feel like nothing but a useless moocher and that I wasn't worthy of coming on this trip. We just love exploring new places. That was mostly out of the question on this trip. My MIL planned out our days. We'd be eating breakfast and she'd tell us what time we were doing this and that.. and the things she wanted to see. There were also lots of little things we unexpectedly came across.. like a theme park we didn't know would be in the area. I LOOOVE rollar coasters and my MIL knows this. There was a shopping mall directly opposite and instead of saying, "Hey you guys go have some fun and I'll amuse myself for a couple of hours".. she refused to go.. and so we couldn't very well leave a woman in her late 70's on the street or force her in somewhere she didn't want to be, and so, knowing I'll most probably never be standing on that street in my life again, we left and went back to the hotel. Anyway, we were looking at taking a trip again this year and now that my MIL has joined us once before, she seems to think from now on, it's fine for her to come along too. When we mentioned what we'd been looking at doing, my FIL, who can no longer travel, said he'd pay for my MIL to come, because she needs to travel more. I feel impending dread. I know they've been good to us but these holidays we take are our precious memories and the last one was certainly compromised. There were so many things we weren't able to see and do and our time wasn't our own.I just had a talk with my partner and of course, it creates awkwardness. I really don't want my MIL joining us but am I even right to say this? I must sound so unreasonable and petty, but it's certainly a different type of holiday with her there. Am I being unreasonable? My partner organises most of the trip and does such a wonderful job. I feel like, who am I to dictate who comes along? Shouldn't I just be grateful I can GO on a holiday like this? I'd like to hear your thoughts. My FIL and MIL assume now that my MIL has free reign to come on any and every trip we take from now on. I know my FIL is in poor health, but I feel like saying, "You had 50 years to travel together. You didn't, so why should it be my problem?" I do feel I'm being selfish and unreasonable, but still, this is how I feel.Any advice is appreciated. I'm more than happy to hear I'm being a wench about this if you think I am!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 I think you are being a little selfish here, although I do understand why you are feeling like that. Okay lets begin with the money situation, I think you took that the wrong way, I think she wanted to pay her own way, and he is her son. I don't think this was a dig at you at all, I just think you took it like that because you felt guilty that your partner had paid for most of the trip, but you shouldn't he offered. I am sorry you where in a stressful job and I hope you find another one that suits you better. Now as for your MIL joining you in future trips, well my guess is she probably doesn't know that you have an issues with this, she is an old lady and maybe she is having it tough with her husband sick so she wants to make the most off her life.
Okay so you felt put out because she did not say to go to the theme park, but what was stopping you letting your husband and his mother going to the shopping mall and you going to the theme park then meeting up with them later? What stopped you going for walks on your own? I don't think she needed both of you to be with her all the time. I think you need to be a bit more independent. I can also understand that you would want to spend some quality time alone while you are on holiday with your husband, that is totally acceptable. But try and look at it in a positive way, not many people can afford to go away on holidays so try and make the most out of it when you do get them, and don't be afraid to explore on your own. Good luck.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 March 2016):
 I don't think the money comments were directed at you, but rather, she is generous with money. Maybe she feels that if she pitches in, then her son is more likely to agree to bring her on trips. She doesn't want to feel like a financial burden.
I also think you are carrying the residues of stress from your last job to vacations like these, that you are not able to unwind and just relax, just be.
As for telling your partner that his mom should butt out, that's a lost cause. Perhaps you can suggest how much you wish to have a honeymoon, just you two together. Your partner is being a bit of a momma's boy. Everything he says, does, he reports to his mom. It's time he keeps things to himself so that you have a sense that you are a private couple. It would be reasonable that you two have a trip once a year, then you meet up with his mom, at the end of a year to have a trip, just for her.
A woman in her 70's would need a guide, an escort to the trip because of diminished eye sight that would make it impossible to navigate the roads. If she doesn't have friends to organize a seniors' trip, then the responsibility would fall on your partner. Does he have siblings who can do this for her too? I also hope you can find another job so you won't feel powerless about making decisions on holidays.
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