A
female
age
41-50,
*eth0029
writes:My husband no longer talks to me except to argue if I say nothing it's still my fault.I've been married all most 10 years. Everything I do or say is wrong. I feel unloved and definitely unwanted. I'm always a bitch. I've been sleeping on the couch to try and keep the fights down.I know that I've gained weight but after 10 years and 2 kids who has not? I don't know what to do any more and I'm thinking of divorce. I'm not lazy and I try to take care of everything but I'm wore down and I don't know how much more I can take.Why am I always the bad person? Can anyone help please? I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): you should forget the counseling and get away from him. if you have to fix up to impress him to show you love then you don't need him. your kids don't deserve to live like this. He don't love you. If he did he would not yell at you all the time and make you feel bad about yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): You deserve a better life thsn this. Maybe you are both just in a rut and so do not know how to change things. As already suggested marriage guidance if he'll go. If he wont talk write him a letter saying first how much you love and want your relationship to last. Then say how you are feeling at the moment. And lastly ask how he's feeling and what he'd like to change. It'll make your relationship or break it. either way you'll be happier in the long run.
Good luck mate
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Then get him into counseling. If he won't go, go by yourself. Therapy will help you learn ways to talk to him so you can be heard, it will help you make a decision about whether or not you want to stay or go in this marriage....the only person you have control over is you, so if you change, guess what he has to change to meet you where you are.
If you are talking talking and trying trying, do something counterintuitive. Stop trying. Start putting your focus on yourself and your kids. Take them places. Start doing things for yourself, get a baby sitter and go out on the town with some girlfriends....start dressing up more than you normally do around the house....trust me, then he will start noticing and paying attention to you, he will wonder what you are up to for a change. When he comes home from work and ignores you, just sit there and pet the cat or something....sometimes men will come closer if we stop trying and start moving away. Don't stay in the room when he is ignoring you and watching TV, go to another room in the house and do some ironing or watch a different show, but ignore him and see if he doesn't get up and come in where you are.
And listen, cheating is about him, not you and your weight, so don't beat yourself up about that. If you really think he is or have proof, why do you want to stay and put yourself through that. You could file for divorce and have the upper hand that way. But since you have kids I think you need to try a few of these suggestions and see if you can't get him to go to counseling...then if you all still can't be happy, you have earned your way out of this marriage and have nothing to feel sorry for.
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A
female
reader, beth0029 +, writes (30 March 2009):
beth0029 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice .no i dont fight in front of my kids .when i try to talk camly to him he refuses to listen . he has cheated on me in the past and i wonder if he's doing it again . he will not talk to me at all
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): You are not the bad guy here....your husband isn't being very nice it sounds like.
You have been married 10 years, like since you were 18? Sometimes when people marry that young, they marry before they know who they really are and what they really want, and you change a lot between the ages of 18 and 25....so you guys are having trouble with that I bet. You sort of have grown apart and living sort of parallel lives maybe?
Some night fix a nice meal for your husband, fix your hair and makeup and put on a dress and then invite him for the meal. Calmly ask him why he is so unhappy and listen to what he has to say as if you love hearing it, don't defend yourself just listen. And then when he is done repeat back to him what he just said, so he knoww you heard it and understand it. Then ask him what specific things he would like you to change or do, then repeat that.
Next ask him if he would be silent and let you speak to him. Use I statements, say I feel about this......tell him how you are feeling when he yells at you, and tell him what you want and what specific things you need to feel loved. Don't feel badly if you can't accomplish this in one night, but it is a place to start.
If you have health insurance or something, ask him if he will go to marriage counseling with you. It sounds to me like you have some negative relationship patterns, bad ways of communicating that are pretty easy to fix, you just need a professional to help give you some new tools and some new behavior to trade for the old.
I hope you two are not waring and fighting in front of your two children. It is a myth that kids are resiliant, they aren't. Hearing their parents fight is a scarey, hurtful thing and it changes who they are forever....so don't do it and tell your husband to stop yellin in front of them if he is.....wait until you can be alone to fight and raise your voices....get a babysitter if you have too, especially on the night you want to talk to him about how you are feeling.
If you just take a step towards each other and start to communicate better things can turn around for you....and you have to learn how to grow together and not apart for the sake of your marriage and your kids.
I wish you the best....and take care.
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