A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Agony AuntPlease can you help. I am 54 years of age as is my husband. Recently I have noticed that he has been visiting porn sites on the internet most mornings and evenings. Is this normal for a man of his age?Our sex life hasn't been brilliant lately - I think it derives from the fact that he had an affair about 4/5 years ago and I haven't got over it. He never kisses me when I come into the house after work etc. or say that I look nice when we go out in the evening to meet friends etc although he will tell the female friends of ours that they look nice.I have recently put on weight (maybe because of the menopause) and this doesn't give me self confidence. I don't like to look at my body and so maybe this is reflected in what I think others will think of me.I recently got made redundant at work and have just started a new job. At the interview I thought nobody will want to employ me and so was extremely surprised when I got the job.I feel that everybody in my life has put me down, including my parents who asked me to leave school at 15 so that I could contribute towards the household expenses (at that time you could leave school at 15).As I have said, my husband had an affair recently and I put all my enegies into my job at that time. I became a super secretary in a firm of solicitors, and it seemed that my boss really appreciated what I did. During the last year of working there I went off on holiday to Italy for 2 weeks (he said on my last day not to do anything that would injure my fingers because I would come back to lots of typing), but when I did get back to work I was informed that my boss had relocated himself, lock, stock and barrel to another branch office within the firm without any notice to me. As I had put all my energies into this job after my husband's affair I didn't know how I was going to react. I left the firm some months later and had a series of dead end jobs that I didn't like.I am not sure where my life starts at the moment and ends. It hasn't helped that my mother died early this year, although I now have a job working for a firm of solicitors where they are very friendly and helpful.I am drinking a lot at the moment because I do not know how to cope with my husband visiting porn sites. It has always been my prop when things don't go well - just open a bottle and drown my sorrows - although this doesn't help in the full lightness of day and this is not helping with my weight loss. Drinking at least a bottle of Martini a day and maybe a bottle of wine as well (sometimes).I am not in a very good place at the moment and would appreciate any counselling advice that you can give me.As background information I would say that I have three children aged between 22 and 25, two of which don't live at home anymore. Am I suffering from the fact that they are growing up and getting on with their own lives syndrome?If you can help me or put me in touch with somebody who can, I would appreciate this.I do not have friends who live around here and so it is difficult to seek advice from close friends.Bye for now.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Your mother recently died as well... wow
I think you need to go to the doctor and get some counselling treatment... at the moment your abusing alcohol, a counsellor dealing with alcohol abuse will also be able to help.
You got a lot of outstanding issues.... I think you need a proffessional to talk to..
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
If you follow Jilly's advice and divorce your husband, do you think your problems will be solved and you will be happy at last..
I may be wrong, and his unfaithfullness and pornography watching may be an indication that you've been in a loveless marriage for a very long time.
Just don't believe in people getting a divorce if they don't even try to talk about the issues and at least go see a counsellor to see if they can help.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 August 2010):
It's easier to walk out on a man at 21 and say you'll be happy and content... much far harder when your 54 and got kids the same age...
Funny, you said just found out he was using pornography.. this makes me assume that it's just something he started doing.. people that say he's now addicted are being silly, if he was addicted you would have found out about his pornography years ago, and would probably now be divorced because he wouldn't be able to perform properly as a father or a husband.
I'm more interested in the affair. Did he love her, was he tempted to leave. You say you've never forgave him even though it's been 4/5 years. Have you two had sex in all this time.
You also say you feel bad about your weight and feel bad about your body.. you also say you feel that people in your life have put you down.
Is it possible that all off these things cause you to push your husband away and make him feel unloved and unwanted. It's pretty hard to feel sexy with a woman who hates her body, who resents you and will never forgive you for hurting her by having an affair, a woman who is also pretty sad because she's lost her job and is suffering low esteme for bad behaviour from the people arround her...
Rather than get angry about the porn, be glad that it's highlighted a problem that you both seem to be having. Your marriage dosen't sound either loving or intimate. Instead it sounds full of sadness, rejection and pain.
Focus on the pornography if you want.. but even if he stops looking, that won't solve anything, especially if you two are not kissing and not having sex.
You and your husband need to sit down and have a long conversation, about the affair, sex, why he looks at porn, and how it hurts you, and how it hurts that you two can't even hug and kiss normally like most married people do.
You have problems in your marriage, but there is more issues than a lonely man turning to pornography.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Thanks Jilly :) your advice is spot on. I think many people feel they have to tolerate such behaviour in a relationship, whether it be because they don't think highly of themselves, or perhaps they've seen bad relationships within the family and know no better. I'm only 21, and obviously haven't had a lot of relationships, but I always set my own standards, I think you have to in this day and age. Relationships can go from bad to worse, to abusive, and it can all become the norm if you put up with it.
I've had bouts of depression since I was a young teenager, and a while back I wasn't that well with it again, and it had been triggered off by things that had effected me in my relationship. My boyfriend, and many other men on websites like this one, would tell me I was over reacting about my problems and that it was all my problem. So for a while I held on to my relationship, no matter how much my partner continuously hurt me and made me feel inadequite.
I took counceling and it really opened my eyes. I discovered how many people are in the same boat, and that everything I was feeling was normal and expected. Jilly's advice about quality over time is ever so true. Love can often be mistaken for simply caring about someone because of the years you've been by their side. You'd probably be surprised how much better you'd feel without him. Don't fear being alone, regardless of what people may say, there are many good men out there, they are just sometimes a little hard to find :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Gosh you are going through it, and I know how utterly soul destroying it is to be in such an empty relationship. I've read all the answers before adding my slant on things, and I think blahblahblahh's answer is excellent, really feeling, and responsive in a way that hopefully will make you re-think your situation with your husband.
I'm now going to throw something else in here - You say you love your husband, so what is it you love? He does not treat you well, he's been unfaithful, he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, or take any real interest in you, and obviously does NOT consider your feelings with regards to watching porn. Making you feel even less important, what are the qualities that you feel deserve your love? And NO porn is not the usual pastime of couples in the evenings, so don't become desensitized by his behaviour.
I know I keep referring to my work on here, but only when a situation warrants it, and on this occasion, it does.
I work as a dating and relationship consultant/counsellor and what I have found in situations like yours, women soldier on within in a marriage telling themselves they STILL LOVE their husband, when in actual fact what they are feeling is ' Familiarity and habit ' YES of course there will be a great deal of affection for someone you have shared a lifetime with, but that does not mean it is love, or a love that should be endured. When love becomes destructive to one's well being and emotional happiness, then it must be questioned.
9/10 women who I've helped over the years, who have been married for some 20 years or so, who fight against leaving such a man initially, when they actually find the courage to do it, and I know how difficult it is. Tell me after 12 months or so, it was the BEST THING to happen to them, and wished they done it sooner. Human beings are creatures of habit, and even a bad marriage sometimes is better than the unknown, it doesn't make us bad, or lacking in anything just human.
QUESTION: If you were now single and you met a man and HE treated you in the same way as your husband has and continues to do so, including being unfaithful, would you be WANTING to form a relationship with him??? I ask this question often, as it seems to make women think about what they are actually doing with their life.
And I can assure you NONE of them tell me they would want to DATE a man like it, no way, is the usual answer - So WHY would you put up with a husband treating you in this way.
It's NOT the length of time you spend with someone that counts, it's the QUALITY and depth of love shared, whether it be 5 months, 5 years or 50 years, always aim for quality over time.
I really hope we have all given you something to think about, to HELP you decide what your possible options could be, and whatever you decide to do, I hope you find the happiness you deserve.
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Sadly, we men go throug some "tough times" too with the aging process, 1.) we produce less and less testoterone9slowing our drive) and 2.) we begin to have fanasies wishing we were youthfull again...this draws many of us to porn to see if we can still get that feeling of youthfull erotic stimulation. When there's a slowed response we try harder. It's dang frustrating especially if we were once the lion in the den and not the pussycat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): I think the affair is the least of the problems. I think his porn addiction and your drinking are the biggest problems here. First of all, let me explain: many will disagree with me, but men having affairs is nothing new, and people would be suprised to find out that a large population of men, even the most respected have affairs. An affair actually becomes a problem when a man neglects his family while conducting his family. In many cultures around the world other than the west, polygamy is an accepted practice. I have traveled to a lot of countries around the world, and just as we look at other cultures as being strange, I have been looked strange at for only having 1 wife! So what I am saying is that a man can sleep with another women, but still love his wife and take care of his family. Because we are not accustomed to this type of thinking in the west, it is just hidden and called an affair. Please note that I am not defending men that have affairs, I am just pointing out another point of view.
Now Porn is a problem. As an IT manager, I have seen what it does to people first hand. It takes up hours and hours of their time, and it is such an addiction I dont know where to start. I have fired many people in my time who just cannot stop. Men who watch porn can spend as much as 10 hours a day watching it, and usually masterbate multiple times a day. I had one employee who used stay at work almost every single day till sometimes 11PM. It turned out that he had amassed so much porn in his home drive that my backups were taking much longer and I kept running out of tapes. He had been warned multiple times, but he just could not control himself.
Because people who are porn addicts masterbate constantly and watch very perverse types of sex acts, they usually are to spent to have sex with their wives and gf's, and also their wives and gf's dont compare with the porn stars they see.
For your sake, the drinking should be stopped. That is only going to make the situation worse. I think that is where you should start, and next, you need to somehow get him off of porn. That is the hard part, and I dont know how to help you there
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (3 August 2010):
some women think(or hope) that we outgrow porn...not gonna happen, sorry ladies
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (3 August 2010):
Well it seems there are numerous issues here that are getting you down, and rightly so. I think the bigger problem here is the fact that your husband cheated, and understandably you haven't gotton over it. I think you need to ask yourself why you are still with this man? I know many people will stay in their relationship when one has cheated, but this isn't healthy for you.
As for the porn, I can't say whether that's normal for a man of his age, it's more common amongst younger men. So many women suffer from their partner's porn habbits, and you do not have to. It is within your right to tell him to stop. If he loves you and cares enough about you, then there will be no problem, as porn is not a 'need' it's a 'want.' Confront him about it before you feel even more down in yourself, if you need to put a stop to that for your own well being then do so.
You say about your weight gain, and it effecting your confidence, and about not thinking you'd get the job, it seems that you're not at ease with yourself and lacking that confidence you need to get by. And this could all stem from your husband cheating. You also say our husband doesn't compliment you when you go out but he does with other women. In my honest opinion, you are better than this, anyone deserves better than this, and you should strongly consider parting from him. He's not doing you any good, and as much as you love him, which you must love him greatly after sticking by him after what he's done; men that cheat are not good. They are not relationship material, and it will always be at the back of your mind taunting you. Don't you think you deserve better than him?
It's easy to go down the path of heavy drinking when you can't deal with things going on in your life, but obviously, alcohol only temporarily numbs the pain, so you must try and snap out of that. Do other things that take your mind of your current situations, go out with friends for example. It would also be a good idea to talk to your daughters, they may be able to help you to, talk to you and give you advise perhaps. From reading what you've wrote, I'm not sure how one could love someone that dissrespectfull, do what's best for you and set your own standards. Believe in yourself and others will. Respect yourself, and others will respect you. Put yourself first here and if you know deep down you're better off without him, do something about it. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): You are understandably going through a really tough time. The drinking is a crutch to help with that, but not a good one. Maybe the trick is to find a crutch but something that helps you physically and socially. Why not sign up for an exercise class or join a health club - something where you can work on your physical health and make some friends there. You really need that. If your physical health and outlook improves, it will reflect in a new confident attitude. If your husband is looking at porn all the time, he probably doesn't have time for an affair - but he is obviously wanting more. Work on your physical health (and resulting confident attitude - also try a new makeover - hairstyle, clothes, etc.), but also ask him if he would go to counseling with you to work out issues over the past affair. If he won't go with you, try going by yourself.
Don't let yourself get or stay down over the way others have treated you in the past. If you want to be treated better, you have to expect better and BE better. I always think of the quote from Working Girl with Melanie Griffith and Sigourney Weaver. Sigourney's character asks Melanie's, "Who makes it happen?" And Melanie's character replies, "I make it happen." That's right - YOU make it happen. If you want to be more respected, prettier, healthier, the only person who can do that for you is YOU. And you ARE worth it. YOU have to show yourself and treat yourself that you are worth it. Get out there and start making some positive changes in your life. You know how to do it, you just got to get out there and get started. Don't put it off. One step at a time.
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