A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i'm not getting what i need out of the relationship i'm in. i feel like i'm putting in full time effort, and only receiving part time at best in return. my girlfriend works hard and long hours, and has a son from a previous relationship to worry about, and i understand it's hard and she's tired. although honestly, i spend more time with her son than she does due to her schedule. i'm pretty much his other parent. i pick him up most days from school and spend time with him.that aside, i feel like i'm the only one holding us together. for example tonight we had plans together when she got off work to cook and have dinner at her place. but she called after she got off and said she was extremely tired and wasn't sure if she could still see me. i was a little bummed, but i'm usually always pretty understanding. so instead i offered to just come by and tuck her in and spend a bit of time with her before bed. which is what wound up happening. but things like this happen all the time. she cancels, or she just wants to go home and do nothing. and to me that's okay when you don't have a two year committed relationship you're trying to maintain. it takes a bit more effort than that, in my opinion. i've just gotten to where i'm not getting my needs met by her anymore, and if i don't make the effort, we would just never see each other and our relationship would eventually come to an end. tonight i tried to mention this to her to just talk about it because it's been really weighing me down. i told her i'm having a hard time because i feel like i haven't been able to see her and spend time with her like i would like. and her response was to tell me that she's way too tired to talk about how i feel right now and that i shouldn't have even brought it up. she then proceeded to lay in bed, pick up her cell phone, and ignore me. i can't imagine treating her like that. not to forget to mention, her mentality was that SHE did ME a favor by ALLOWING me to come over and see her tonight when she was so tired. not that i did her a favor by driving over there for just a few minutes to tuck her in. anyway, so when i leave, she texts me and tries to act like everything is normal and says i love you, glad i got to see you tonight. i'm sorry we fought, etc. i mean, i feel like she's completely in control of this relationship. when we can spend time together, when i can and can't communicate problems to her, everything really. i've gotten to my wits end. so i told her i'm not happy anymore and i'm not sure what to do. she then makes me feel guilty because i should "understand she's working hard and going through a tough time." but this has been going on for a very long time. months now. i don't see it ending. i understand people make sacrifices in relationships and people go through tough times, but this is really unfair. her mentality about love is this: you give what you can when you can. and she believes right now she's giving all she can. but i don't know what to do anymore. because i'm not happy. and it's getting worse and worse every day. please, i need some advice.
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female
reader, amazingk +, writes (21 April 2011):
 You have the right to want what you want, and what you're asking for really isn't unreasonable, especially given the circumstances. Some relationships can function off of very little time spent together. It doesn't sound to me like that is the kind of relationship that's best suited for you. You need more than what she's able to provide, or perhaps even wants to provide, at this moment. So, your options are to either ride out this time, since school doesn't last forever, or leave her alone for now. In fact, I wonder why she's even wanting to be in a relationship when she barely has time for herself? Basically, no favors are being done for your girlfriend or yourself by you staying some place that makes you miserable. Have a talk with her and encourage her to get it together a bit better, and if she continues to blow you off, then it's time to start looking for happiness elsewhere.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): Hi there, first of all I am very sorry for you that you are not happy with your relationship. It sounds like you are really having a hard time and I can understand that you question yourself what to do. I don't know your girlfriend so I don't want to judge on what she does but to me this relationship sounds kind of toxic. I mean everyone of us knows some hard times and being tired from work especially when you have a child to worry about but I think it should be possible to talk about it at least. To me it seems that she is avoiding to talk about any problem at all in your relationship so to say she doesn't want to take responsibility for what she is doing.Why don't you gve her a little time to think and to REALIZE at first that something is wrong by leaving her alone for a while? Give her the chance to come to you instead of you being the one always trying to make things work. I think it is really important that she realizes she can't treat you the way she does if she wants to go on with you. Set boundaries and SHOW her what's ok for you and what not. How could she learn that she has to treat you in a different way if you constantly allow her to do and say things that hurt you and make you feel unhappy? It might probably be a good idea to write a letter to her telling her honestly but without blaming her (= using expressions like 'I feel..., I think..., To me...') what you feel and how you see the relationship. You want a girlfreind that treats you with respect and love so you should tell her. You sound like a man a woman can count on when she is having a hard time but maybe the two of you have different expectations from being with someone. I have to say I would be very happy if I was feeling tired and my man would just come around to spend some time with me to make me feel better!!! I don't know many men who would do so.I think it is important that you figure out what you want first of all and then try to get her to open up what she wants if you can. I know this can be very hard and some of your dreams might become destroyed but I think you need to be honest to yourself. We all deserve to be happy and staying in a relationship that makes you constantly feeling unhappy is definitely not the way it works. We all deserve to be happy but it takes two to tango...Good luck to you!!!
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