A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am a 29 year old male living with my fiancee. I am really struggling with my past abuse, and while she, too was abused, it did not affect her in so many ways as it has with me. I have come to realize that I do not really know what it means to love someone, nor do I really know what it means to be loved by someone. I view myself as nothing but a burden on her and on my friends, and nothing seems to help me look at myself in any positive light. I want to show her my true love for her, but I don't know how! All I do is cause her hardship!RK
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): Have you tried Family Constellation Therapy? think it was devised by a guy called Hellinger but workshops are run in the UK and I would imagine US as well - or similar. it provides a way to position your family in a group situation and express feelings - without the direct conflict with those in you family i.e. it is like role playing but obviously a lot more sophisticated as a process. I have heard it works very well for people in your situations and means you can free yourself more physically and literally than simply talking through in a counselling session. Its just an idea - I am trying it in a couple of weekends time as I have many issues to deal with and, at 35, have felt the impact for too long. I hope you will find something to help you set yourself free you clearly deserve it very much.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear rcn...I will certainly try your advice and get back to you... I know what forgiveness is, being a Christian, and have tried forgiving my parents in my heart, but something never clicks, because I still feel that anger... I will try what you say, and I will post back here.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
 This has to be a very difficult way to live. I really wonder if the abusers realize the long term detriment they cause others?
This is going to be a process. First let's look at the pain. I know our conscious and subconscious have many areas, different transmitter and such. For this example let's split it up into just the conscious and subconscious. Take your subconscious, it records everything we see, feel touch, hear, learn, pain, love. The pain from abuse is a growing mass in the subconscious, as it expands, our ability to feel good starts to get smaller. Once the pain grows past the subconscious, it starts peeking into our conscious state of mind, and there you go the way you feel now.
I recommend you first write a letter, you don't have to send it, that is not the purpose of this exercise. In the letter I not only want you to describe in detail what the person did to abuse you, but also how that abuse is affecting your life, and how you feel about them doing something that is causing this behavior now. Be extremely emotional, just no violence toward the girlfriend. Cuss, yell, tell them what you think about them, and what happened.
Next comes the more difficult part. Now that you've gotten everything painfully laid out and let it rip, it's time to forgive the person who inflicted the abuse on you. I know what you're saying "do what !!!!" You're not forgiving them because they deserve your forgiveness, you're forgiving them so you can live the life you want to develop. This releases the burden of carrying the pain they caused. I did the same thing with some cheaters years ago, and it felt as if the weight of their actions immediately released off me.
When you're done with that, you can start learning how to develop new behaviors. The pain is the underlying cause of what is going on, so working on other things while the pain still exists is not worth trying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is a response to phiatiger:Thanks so much for your encouragement. Yes, I am in counseling, but I haven't seen too much of an improvement. My problem is that I know when to stop the downward spiral into negativity. I know when I am starting to slide down that slippery slope. I know in my heart that there are people who care about me and love me, but when it comes down to it, I don't feel that way. There is a difference between feeling and knowing...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Im not sure that I am qualified to answer this question as I have never personnally suffered abuse in any way,shape or form but I can share my thoughts and hope they help.
I feel that there is more than surface damage done here. The way you view yourself and your mentality is very negative.
Its hard to know how anyone that has not been shown love through the most important times in their lives can know how to love someone but they can. Infact usually alot of cases will say how they are over affectionate to compensate.
It sounds to me like you have identified a black area in your ways and now you are trying to correct it. Well done to you and your girlfriend for turning out so well balanced. perhaps it still wouldnt hurt for you to try and speak to a councillor or someone neutral about particular issues that may still cause you pain.
To me, to love someone is to want the very best for them reguardless of any decissions they make, to stand by them and support them at all times and to enjoy their company and find pleasure in making them feel good about themselves, wanted and respected.
Everyone has a different idea about love, you have obviously based yours on your partner.
I would like to tell you that is a step forward that you want to know how to show love to your partner, that you are far more than a burden to her and she must love you dearly to cope with her own issues as well as yours.
I hope you can take a positive outlook on life and have a very happy future together x
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